Heywardisms

 

Jason Heyward is actually in your computer. He can be two places at once.

Like Tebowisms, except better.

• At 6’5″, 245, Jason Heyward has surprisingly never hit a home run before. However, many a fastball have stopped dead in their tracks and run 450 feet in the other direction out of sheer terror.

• In November of 1989, two Dartmouth graduates wrestled a baby boy from a vicious pack of wolves. They called their new prize “Jason.”

• Long Branch, NJ native Bruce Springsteen still calls himself “The Boss,” but checks in with Ridgewood’s Heyward every so often to make sure it’s okay.

• Eventually chosen as Baseball America and USA Today’s 2009 Minor League Player of the Year, Heyward struggled to impress scouts at first because they confused him with a bird, then a plane.

• After Jason smashed the roof of his luxury car with a towering BP shot in Spring ’10, Braves assistant GM Bruce Manno almost confronted the right fielder before thinking to himself, “Nobody’s ever gone manno-a-Heyward.”

• Sporting jersey No. 71 during spring training, Heyward settled for new No. 22 when numbers 23 through 70 said, “No thanks. I don’t wanna have to live up to that.”

• Jason Heyward was born August 9, 1989… 7,021 days later, the Philadelphia Phillies captured their second and final World Series title.

• Though only 20 years-old, Jason Heyward rarely gets carded. But when he does, he pulls out the only known copy of his Donruss Elite Status Auto.

• A strapping lefty, Jason Heyward does not know the meaning of “opposite field power.” In the eyes of Heyward, all power is equal.

•  It took Jason Heyward a grand total of 238 minor league games to reach the Big Leagues. It would have been sooner if not for the 238-game quota.

• Bryan Holt extra: Raised a Yankees fan, Heyward decided that he did not want to play for his childhood heroes when they told him he could not have his very own Monument Park.

• Billy Corgan extra: I once sang, “I fear that I am ordinary, just like everyone.” Jason Heyward can’t relate.

Suggestions welcomed. The best will be added. 

- Robbie

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