Steve Lavin and The Heartbreak Kid: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

Like Gainesville, except more cloudy.

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.

It is a perfectly beautiful Friday morning in Gainesville, and I say that with great personal trust in my iPhone’s weather application because I am actually writing this post on Thursday evening. Yes, you are once again experiencing the groundbreaking technology of literary DVR. I’m sorry. I love our Casualtists everywhere, but I’m still not sure whether or not you take priority over the possibility of an amazing pool day.

After the beginning of a week that was cloudy, busy and stressful, the current weather is far more rewarding than it should be. I’m not saying that it’s making everybody a little more cheerful, but I did see Urban Meyer and Jeremy Fowler split an 18-pack of Busch Light beside the Royal Village pool Thursday afternoon. The mood only became better when I realized that we are less than one month away from the non-DirecTV season premier of the show that I will be writing weekly recaps of in a very Hilson “Lost”-esque kind of way. I won’t ruin the surprise for you, but let’s just say that the torch will be passed from “kate lost hot” to “julie taylor hot” in the spectrum of SC horny 13-year-old Google magic.

SC: Terrible at surprises.

But anyways, did I mention there’s not a cloud in the sky? No, literally, not one. Let’s do this.

Alright, I’ll go ahead and get it out of the way now. On Tuesday, Bill Simmons wrote a Wrestlemania diary for ESPN.com, further increasing the social acceptance of sports entertainment, and making me feel obliged to briefly discuss Wrestlemania during my Friday freedom. For those of you who did not watch Wrestlemania (read: everyone reading this who was not at my house Sunday night), you missed what was a good, solid event.

To be honest, it was good, but nothing special up until roughly 10:13 P.M. when The Undertaker and “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels took to the ring. The set up was pretty simple, The Undertaker has never lost at Wrestlemania, and he was putting his 17-0 streak on the line against Michaels, who if he lost, would have to retire. As in most things that I write about, I was biased here. Shawn Michaels is my favorite wrestler of all time, and while I had a feeling that he had decided to call it a career, I did not want to see it happen.

Numerous tombstone piledrivers and a legendary match later, Michaels took a three count for the last time. He left a ring that looked miniscule in the center of University of Phoenix Stadium with tears streaming down his face and soaked in a giant standing ovation.

The following night on “Raw,” Michaels, a man formerly known for his hard-living lifestyle until he became a Born-Again Christian, stood before an adoring audience and made a farewell speech that was as personal as it was moving. Michaels thanked everyone from Vince McMahon to long-time friend Triple H to a red-headed kid named Adam at WWE headquarters that puts together wrestler entrance videos.

“Night in and night out, you guys were the only ones in the world that ever made me like me,” Michaels told the fans in reference to life during the 1990s.

There are obviously few times when the acts that take place inside a wrestling ring are real, but when they are, there are few things more special in television. Here is Shawn Michael’s farewell speech.

Now to real sports.

This week, rumors surfaced that a disc jockey in Dallas had legally changed his name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com in exchange for $100,000. ESPN reported the news a few hours before it was determined that the entire deal was a complete hoax. While Dallas’ Terry Dorsey may not have had the guts to go through with a name change, I strongly believe that I can find somebody who will. Therefore, here is the offer: If you are willing to change your name to SportsCasualties.WordPress.com, I promise you that there will be a reward.

That reward will be a drink at the local watering hole of your choice. As long as it’s happy hour.

Former ESPN analyst and hair product connoisseur Steve Lavin was named the new head basketball coach at St. John’s University on Tuesday. Lavin has not coached since 2003 when he was fired from UCLA for his hair’s violation of California’s strict environmentalist restrictions.

However, on Wednesday, the big news was not Lavin coming to coach the Red Storm. According to the New York Daily News, the major ordeal revolved around Lavin’s wife, Mary Ann Jarou, who the Daily News referred to as an “accomplished actress.” You know Jarou. Who can forget her role as “Sherpa Girl” on one episode in the first season of “Entourage?” Or what about that time she played “Groupie #1″ on the hit series, “Girlfriends?” Oh, nevermind, she’s attractive. I understand her accomplishments now.

I suddenly feel the need to slick my hair back.

The Tampa Bay Rays announced this week that they are still 2,000 seats shy of selling out Opening Day. In a season that is supposed to be the most anticipated in Rays history, ticket sales are looking worse than they have in a few years. In other news, vultures have been seen circling every baseball field in the St. Petersburg city limits.

In other Rays news, Melvin “Bossman Junior” Upton has become something of a spokesperson for the Tampa Bay area in its quest to host the 2012 Republican National Convention. Upton was the focus of a welcome video that was played to the RNC selection committee when they visited Tropicana Field on Tuesday. Does Upton’s pandering to the GOP ruin his “Urban Baseball Super Hero” gimmick that the always idiotic Scoop Jackson thew upon him in this 2008 column? Warning: The previous link takes you to one of the worst columns ever written.

Tim Tebow has been known to unify Gator fans every Saturday afternoon for the past three years. However, last weekend, he did some unifying of a different kind. Tebow helped initiate a man’s proposal to his girlfriend during an autograph/photo session in Palm Beach Gardens. The man certainly did not put himself in the most beneficial of positions posing next to one of the greatest college football players of all time. I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to have Jordan Shipley or Tom Brady assist me in my future proposal to my currently non-existent girlfriend.

OMG! Tim Tebow’s proposing to m…Oh wait.

In a shocking move, Lane Kiffin decided this week that USC football will no longer be run like a giant media free-for-all reality show. Imagine that, Pete Carroll. Maybe they’ll beat Stanford this year. Hell of a concept.

The Oregon basketball coaching job is still vacant which means that the contest is out to see who can win Nike chairman Phil Knight’s man love more than anyone else. Is it just me, or is this the big offseason break that King James is looking for?

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

Bieber fever, duh.

“See, they need to change the name of the show to ‘America’s Funniest Shots in the Nuts.'” – Tweeder

AND NOW…Introducing

Tweet of the Week

Because too much television makes you fat and undesirable, but too much Twitter just makes you unproductive and socially awkward. Follow SC on Twitter, the awesomeness of your life depends on it.

This week’s Tweet of the Week comes to us from Pat Dooley, veteran Gators beat writer for the Gainesville Sun and quite the budding dirty old man. Dooley’s tweets usually say things like “Sitting in the O-Dome, Parsons looks like he’s in the zone tonight,” so you can imagine my shock and enjoyment when he rewarded us for following him with this mildly creepy side note:

pat_dooley finally watching The Wrestler for first time. Don’t think it will end well. But I got to see Tomei’s breasteses.

Happy Easter.

-Bryan

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

One response to “Steve Lavin and The Heartbreak Kid: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

  1. Pingback: “Jason Heyward” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s