In a startling turn of events, Bryan Holt knows rappers.
As you probably already know, the writers here at SC go to great lengths to congratulate themselves when self-congratulations is due. “When self-congratulations is due” is usually always, but last Friday, something so unexpectedly laudatory happened that Bryan – or “B-Holt” as he’s known in the clubs – initially had trouble fitting his already massive ego through the double doors of Gainesville’s finer drinking establishments.
Already a wildly popular hip-hop duo on par with Rubin/Simmons, Tampa’s The White Kids all but cornered the redneck and hipster demographics with one of the more memorable shout-outs in radio history…
SC Love at 40:00>>>>>> The White Kids on Bulls Radio
As a Beastie Boy might say, OH MY GAWD, THAT’S SOME FUNKY S***! You can probably tell that we’re excited, beside ourselves even. So to commemorate our own awesomeness and the awesomeness of our rapper friends, Sammy Mull and Vinny Edwards, I’m gonna review TWK’s new mixtape, “Suburban Menace.” Stream it here in all of it’s blazing glory.
Now let’s do this.
1. Suburban Menace (Intro): Like a Knux track except crunkier and catchier. Pretty much the soundtrack to a hazy Saturday afternoon in your favorite souped up ’65 Impala. Not that I’d know.
Choice Line: “I’m hiding my eyelids because I’m puffing fire/so I’m rocking shades blacker than Richard Pryor”
2. S*** Faced: A tribute to Doc Gooden, I assume. More rhymes than Jamaica’s got mangoes and a hooky chorus, but damn, it’s depressing. A backhanded public service announcement. Nobody likes a downer drunk.
Choice Line: “We’re just livin’ to die/so f*** dyin’ to live”
3. Mixing That: The White Kids like Crown. That’s cool with SC. A looped t-t-t-t-t-ting beat with some whack synth wwwomp running through it all. If that sounds incoherent, it’s because this song got me drunk 30 seconds ago.
Choice Line: “Touch down/ I’m in the zone feelin’ hazy/Coronas got them bitches buzzin’ round me like I’m Shwayze.”
4. A Blunt and a Brew: Disclaimer – SC does not endorse smoking marijuana. Unless you can get it cheap. This one’s a slinky, little accordion jam that name drops many a Kevin Smith character. The vocoder on the chorus makes these guys sound like an apocalyptic cousin of Biz Markie. Tight.
Choice Line: “I crank the bass and treble like a heavy metal rebel”
5. Black Tie Affair: Straightforward R&B with typically agile delivery. Smooth as hell. Play it for your girlfriend… if she’s a whore.
Choice Line: “Baby, after this, you’re gonna need a cigarette”
6. Get Low: Sounds like a hit to me, uh, but I listen to Radiohead. A mid-tempo island jam that Fiddy could’ve written on one of his better days some 7 or so years ago. Baby-makin’ music.
Choice Line: “Delta Gamma, streak shooter/ I knew she was a Seminole”
7. Gray October ft. Sam Lagos: An out-of-left-field acoustic ballad that sappy white people can relate to. This one speaks to me. The vomit noises are pretty gross, but that “mooooo-oooo-oo-rr-eee” in the chorus is solid gold hits.
Choice Line: “I can’t find the stars/so meet me at the bar/Can I get another round?/To wash the pain down”
8. Came Here to Party: Some sick back-n-forth flow with plenty of flowery imagery. Play this one for your mom. She’ll love it.
Choice Line: “She gave me withdrawal/ so I made my deposit”
9. Majic Moments: A romantic ode to one Mary Jane. Don’t know who she is, but she’s probably putting out tonight. Lifts the sample from the classic Drifters song. Mad love for Ben E. King, allegory, weed.
Choice Line: “Damn man/this girl sounds amazin’/and she’s blazin’/What is she, Asian?/Caucasian?
10. See You Dance: Sparse hip-hop beats mean plenty of breathing room for Sammy/Vinny rhymes. This is a good thing. Also borrows the cadence from “Get Low.” This is an even better thing… You could probably replicate the backing track with a cheap drum machine. Can’t buy that sick flow.
Choice Line: “So try to beat us/We’re America’s best crew/No NBC, no ABC/It’s just a couple cool kids named Sammy and V”
11. Place to Be: Twelve inches? Really? Is that you, Greg Oden?
Choice Line: “Those security guards, they ain’t phasin’ me/cuz if you look around the place, you’ll be amazed to see/that me and Sammy somewhere just blazin’ trees”
12. Knock, Knock: Struts ahead on a cool, idiosyncratic warehouse stutter that you can probably find on an old Beck record. The chorus sticks like Velcro.
Choice Line: “Either way, the party ain’t stoppin’/I think I hear the cops knockin’… nope“
13. Apu: Another funky mid-tempo jam with some of the best rapping on the album between 1:30 and 2:13. Sounds like a wild night in the Bahamas… with Michael Cera.
Choice Line: “A modern day hippie/I kick it with no shoes on/your girl gave me so much brain/Jimmy Neutron”
14. High in the Booth (Outro): A track that makes you want to hit up Taco Bell at 3 a.m. I imagine that’s what they were going for. Nailed it.
Choice Line: “(Damn!) I think I smoked too much/(Man!) there’s no such thing/It’s a serene routine”
In Tallahassee, and STILL awesome.
Once all about smoke and mirrors, Sports Casualties is now primarily about smoke, mirrors and street cred. Tonight we spin “The Chronic” for you, White Kids. Cheers.