Longoriaisms

Evan Longoria's smile has been known to make girls melt and pitchers defecate.

Like Tebowisms, except better.

  • Evan Longoria was born on October 7, 1985. In less important news, inferior third baseman George Brett won a World Series ring 20 days later.
  • Announcers have been told not to use the term “routine” when describing Longoria defensive plays as this quickly leads to redundancy.
  • On Opening Day 2010, Longoria hit a 473-foot home run off of Kevin Millwood. This feat was deemed even more impressive when Longoria later admitted that he was actually attempting a bunt.
  • Longoria is a native of Downey, California, which is also the hometown of MMA fighter Dan Henderson.  Longoria once fought Henderson. Henderson hasn’t returned to Downey since.
  • How do you watch football games? This is how Evan Longoria does it:

  • Rays television announcer Dewayne Staats has repeatedly compared Evan Longoria to Phillies great Mike Schmidt. This idea is preposterous. For comparing Longoria to any mere mortal, Staats was quickly disciplined for his blasphemous ways.
  • Evan Longoria played for the Chatham A’s in the Cape Cod Summer League in 2005. One can only assume that Jessica Biel was involved.
  • Longoria’s first two career playoff at-bats resulted in home runs. This is in contrast to Alex Rodriguez, whose first two playoff at-bats required two seperate pairs of pants.
  • Longoria’s New Era commercial is marked with a “dramatization” disclaimer. The reason: The only person to ever attempt to steal Evan Longoria’s cap did not intitiate a massive chase scene. He instead was immediately struck down by a mysterious shower of hard-hit line drives.
  • When asked “How do you keep Longo from going longo?” for an MLB 2K10 promotion, Josh Beckett responded: “You pray that we can buy him.”
  • Since entering the big leagues, Evan Longoria has used “Down and Out” by Tantric as his walk-up song. This song choice is ironic because the title illustrates a feeling that Longoria has never had.
  • Evan Longoria shares a bond with actress Eva Longoria because of their identical last names. After the Rays’ last Anaheim road trip, Evan now also has something in common with Tony Parker. Eskimo brothers.
  • Jonah Keri extra: Done eating planets, Longoria will now birth new universes with his mind. Because he’s that good.

Suggestions welcomed. The best (read: any) will be added.

-Bryan

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Longoriaisms

  1. Upon his mere association with Longoriaisms, Freddie Prinze Jr. was inspired to make another baseball chick-flick that went straight to DVD.

    Evan Longoria once encountered Greg Oden in the showers. It was here for the first time that Greg Oden felt shame.

    Though born in different centuries, Longoria has always felt a special kinship to 26th President Theodore Roosevelt. To Evan Longoria, there’s intrinsic appeal to “walk softly and carry a big stick.”

    Strong work… The bunt and routine lines are classics.

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  4. dre

    just wanted to comment that longo’s original walk up song was “yeah” by usher. this only last a few weeks when he was first called up, but it did happen!

    • bholt11

      Thanks Dre, I stand corrected. I think he changed for the better. It’s a little difficult to imagine Longo coming up to bat without the electric violins chiming in.

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