“Panic Mode” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

 

This can't be good.

This is part two in a two-part installment. To read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sport, please click here. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.

Before we get started, I’d just like to say for the record: Greece, you suck.

You’ve given us Andy Milonakis, couscous, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the inspiration for Little Caesar’s and Brutus, or as I like to call it, “nothing.” And now, as it were, you’re dangerously close to sinking our already fragile financial markets.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up from a fabulous, tequila-induced night’s sleep Thursday morning to find that, Hey!, the Dow’s down 998 points! Alright! Rock ‘n roll! I just blew a third of my life savings! 

My first three thoughts upon stumbling out of bed and flipping to CNBC: 1) I’ve really just dreamed the last 24 or so months – it’s really still May ’08 2) Erin Burnett looks really hot when she’s in a panic 3) EFFING GREECE.

The perk of financial meltdown.

In case you missed it, amid violent civic protest, our friends over in the Greek parliament took a page out of the Tim Geithner playbook and agreed to an IMF-funded $110 billion bailout package (like they had a choice). Does this mean Americans get a discount on lamb shish kabob? Hell no.

Luckily, the market rebounded about 600 points in the same day, meaning a handful of eyes-peeled traders got more lucky than a Eugene Robinson on Super Bowl eve. Plus, the Euro is tanking like the ’07 Boston Celtics – perfect timing for all my friends that bailed on me to travel France and Austria and Germany and all the other super white countries that are good for a war every few decades or so.

On a separate note, it looks as if Tiger Woods – not Greek – is going to make a cut today, which means I’ll have something to do this weekend besides contemplate my loneliness in 110 degree heat. 

__________

Now, if you were one to plunge all of your hard-earned pay into the stock market this week, I hope you at least counteracted this act of abject stupidity by taking my gambling advice from last week. If you recall correctly, I told you to “bet your house, your dog’s life and your grandmother’s estate against” each of the teams/athletes I liked to do well in the near future. So how did we do?

1) San Antonio Spurs - In an 0-2 hole against the Suns and looking older than Larry King and water combined.

2) Detroit Red Wings - In a 1-3 hole against the Sharks and looking gimpier than LeBron’s elbow.

3) Looking At Lucky - The Derby favorite finished 6th to the chagrin of rich people loaded on mint juleps everywhere.

4) Angry Germans - Last remaining angry German Dirk Nowitzki was bounced from the NBA Playoffs. I’m sure there are Germans still playing hockey. But nobody watches hockey.

Like I said, can’t-miss moneymaker. If you didn’t bet the farm against these guys, you have nobody to blame but yourself. 

Small guy, big money.

In further news of the SC Jinx, in January, I cashed in on a quarter of my Visa stock to load up on shares of Transocean. Roughly 3 months later, the former company hit an all-time high and the latter watched one of its deep-water rigs burst into a ball of fire in the Gulf of Mexico… So, uh, sorry about that, Millions and Millions of Dead Sea Creatures and Cratering New Orleans Fishing Industry.

My bad.

As oil continues to seep out into the Gulf, environmentalists are condemning BP and Halliburton among others for the bursted drill and countless aquatic casualties. Non-environmentalist Pat Riley, on the other hand, gave the new water cosistency nothing but glowing reviews, citing savings on personal hair products.

Oil spill.

On the 4/29 episode of “The B.S. Report,” Bill Simmons and analyst Matthew Berry both proclaimed the death of the fantasy draft, shilling instead for ESPN’s fantasy auction.

Auctions? Come on, America. Aren’t we past paying for Black men?

Speaking of paying for things, Thursday brought us news that Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor may or may not have raped a 16-year-old prostitute. 

The sex wasn’t consensual. But LT did stay at a Holiday Inn that night.

In related news, a bunch of hacker golf courses in Miami just lost their star patron. And, uh, apparently Nutrisystem forgot to list the “increased sexual appetite” side effect. Hey, but look at the bright side, LT: at least you’re already used to eating crappy food.

Enjoy prison.

And to think, if the guy would’ve just waited 4 more years for this girl, he would’ve gotten nothing worse than a botched investigation and a 4 to 6-game suspension.

Sticking with NFL news, the Oakland Raiders cut former No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell Thursday. While some are using the word “bust,” I’m of the belief that Russell has a bright and productive future as either a…

• flotation device
• garbage disposal
• Lazy Boy
• clipboard holder
• plus-size model
• bouncer
• black hole
• check on Al Davis’ ego
• left tackle
• partner at the firm Carr, Couch and Russell
• cautionary tale

Chin up, big guy. The sky’s the limit.

JaMarcus in the arms of His Future.

In non sequitur news, DIVERSIFICATION ONLY HELPS IF THE ENTIRE MARKET ISN’T CRASHING, JIM CRAMER!

We’re in the heart of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, which means its time for sports analysts and talking heads from all over to start sentences with, “Now I don’t know very much about hockey, but…” and then go on for 20 minutes like they know very much about hockey. Or as this phenomenon is more commonly known, “The Tony Kornheiser Show.” 

While discussing the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Monday’s airing, our good friend Mr. Tony described celebrity guest bartender Rachel Maddow as “smoking hot.” Perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, Kornheiser is also a huge fan of broadway musicals and the Fox hit “Glee.”

Just sayin’.

To Beadle news, during the greatest “B.S. Report” in the history of the world, Simmons said to “SportsNation” co-host/uber-babe Michelle Beadle of Pittsburgh and QB Ben Roethlisberger, “You’ve won two Super Bowls. Let the guy get a fresh start somewhere else. Get a fresh start as a city.”

Though Steelers fans had mixed reactions to these comments, they were pleasantly surprised to hear Pittsburgh and “fresh start” used in the same context for the first time since the Industrial Revolution.

Please click here for analysis of other NFL cities that suck (and a few that don’t).

In further “B.S.” news, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney said on Monday of his odd sleeping habits, “Peter Angelos, the Orioles owner, is very much like that. He sleeps about two or three hours a day during the week.” Unfortunately for Peter, th0se two or three hours are always during major decisions.

Discussing how decreased amphetamine use has coincided with a decline in alcoholism, Olney also said, “One all-star caliber player, I remember hearing a story about how he drank 24 beers on an East Coast to West Coast flight.”

Look, I knew Bryan Holt was a good ballplayer, but all-star caliber? 

Among other musings, Olney told Simmons that Jason Heyward “will be a guy we’re talking about for the rest of our lives.” And though ecstatic, I temper this with his assertion that Jamie Moyer is one of the “five best sports stories of our lifetimes.”

I leave you with two bits of super hero news:

1) “Iron Man 2″ has already reeled in $121 million overseas at the time of writing. 

2) Golf fans in attendance for practice rounds at the Players Championship at the TPC Sawgrass were shocked to learn that the player they were following was not Tiger Woods, but in fact the Incredible Hulk with a vicious double cross. 

Probably just weights and protein shakes.

Don’t get caught, Tiger.

- Robbie

“Spring Break” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

 

My people.

oi upaerwunq0489rtya089pehgfp. No, just kidding. I’m totally sober. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll up, lazy ass.

As I just recently explained to Bryan Holt from my humble abode two blocks down from The U, I forced myself to start this review late Thursday afternoon out of both healthy compulsion and a sense of good time management. Why? You mean other than compulsion and time management? Well, because it’s Spring Break in Miami, and if all goes according to plan tonight, Friday morning will not be the best time to express my coherent (read: any) thoughts on the week that was. And let’s be real, the “week that was” was pretty freaking great. Got to hang with best friends, sip lemonade from a pool chock-full ‘o pretty ladies, bury myself via procrastination under a mounting pile of grad school to-dos. Even got to spend some quality time with the grandparents, something even this hardened heart can’t knock.

Gotta admit: I’m in a pretty good mood. SC’s generating big hits, blog buzz, even a growing Twitter allegiance. Hell, this week alone, we picked up four more followers, which is four more than you picked up (anybody without a Twitter account). Now let’s get down to business so I can hit up The Grove for a dinner of raw fish and vodka spritzers, or as I like to call it, “a man’s meal.”

Just like anywhere else, only 100 times better.

Early this week, The Philadelphia Inquirer’s Stephen A. Smith reported that Allen Iverson was struggling with gambling and alcohol addiction. ESPN then reported Iverson’s response via Twitter:

“To my fans: you all know that my life isn’t perfect. I am going through some very tough times right now, like I am sure that we all do from time to time. However, I will stand tall like always with “rhino” thick skin. Even though I have become use to people saying things about me that aren’t true, it still hurts. I encourage you to continue your ongoing support and I want you to trust that this is another obstacle in my life that, with God’s help I will overcome. God bless you all.”

Terribly sad turn of events for a guy I’ve always pulled for. But here’s what I want to know: how the hell did he get around the 140-character rule?

Mad props for the tight punctuation, Answer.

In an even more tragic story, child star Corey Feldman died this week of an apparent drug overdose.

On Monday, University of Alabama football visited the White House in honor of the team’s 2009 national championship. Head coach Nick Saban gave the president a No. 1 “Obama” jersey, Heisman winner Mark Ingram shook the president’s hand, and Auburn College Republicans Chairman Allison Kajs just threw up in her mouth a little.

Also on Monday, the UConn women’s basketball team broke the record for consecutive wins by defeating Notre Dame amid a wall of well-deserved media hype. To celebrate the game, ESPN and ESPN2 preempted coverage for William and Mary-Old Dominion and Temple-Xavier women, respectively.

From all of us at Sports Casualties: congrats on 71 Coach Geno.

Greatest of all-time, unless you count any men's team.

Bill Clinton expressed his support this week for an initiative that has reduced school shipments of sodas and sugary drinks by 95 percent since 2004. When asked if he’s enjoyed these kinds of beverages from time to time, the former president declared, “I am not going to say this again – I did not have relations with that soft drink.”

Bubba: combating childhood obesity one triple bypass at a time.

It’s been a tough week for Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger, who looked to match his pair of Super Bowl victories with a second sexual assault case. Big Ben did admit to physical contact with the accuser, but alleged that she slipped and hit her head – hence the hospital visit. Now Milledgeville cops are asking for D.N.A. in what is becoming an increasingly fluid situation.

Week in Review without a dirty joke: like Wrigley without the racial slurs.

During last Friday’s Cavs-Pistons game, Quicken Loans Arena put a Snuggie under the seat of every fan in attendance. Hell, this made me uncomfortable. Can you imagine how The King felt? Surrounded by 20,000 white people in hoods?

Bad job by you, Snuggie.

Now multiply by 20,000. Scary.

In further evidence that Scott Van Pelt’s Ego has killed Scott Van Pelt and hidden the murder weapon, SVP prefaced a question on his radio show to Warriors rookie Stephen Curry with, “In Ryen [Russillo] and myself, you’re talking to two guys that could both play – ball a little bit.”

SVP then dunked all in Steph’s mug and gave the throat-slash gesture to Spike Lee who was across the studio. If you’re keeping track, Van Pelt is currently third in ESPN’s all-time narcissist standings, but within shouting distance of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann.

Speaking of Olbermann, MSNBC’s Bearer of the Pelosi Flame found himself buried knee-deep in a blogosphere feud with ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons. The two fought over, among other things, who has the bigger social networking following, who is more qualified to use the word “blowhard,” and who is more likely to get fired from his day job.

I speak only for myself – and Bryan – when I say that Sports Casualties backs Simmons 100 percent and will gladly cede this platform should the Sports Guy ever need an outlet to launch more KO invectives.

In related news, SC is considering waging a faux war-of-words with whomever will stoop to our level. The 13 of you who read this will be in on the joke. Everybody else will not read enough to actually be aware of the fake feud, which admittedly presents a logistical problem that we have yet to work out.

Moving to the financial sector, CNBC babe/anchor Melissa Francis tore into the government-backed “Build America Bonds” that U.S. financial companies have exploited to the tune of over $1 billion.

Said Francis, “They’re the definition of a leaky sieve.”

Nothing further to report. Just wanna say kudos to Melissa for using “sieve” apart from “Hurricanes offensive line.”

Always room in the SC for Melissa.

On Thursday’s “Tony Kornheiser Show,” columnist John Feinstein, explaining how high ticket prices persuade fans of Duke and UNC to stick around regardless of whether their teams gets knocked out early in the ACC Tourney, said, “Sure, there are some Carolina fans who get tickets from Florida State fans leaving or Miami fans leaving…”

John, let me stop you right there. There are no University of Miami basketball fans. And even if they did exist, they wouldn’t be caught dead buying tickets to go to Greensboro in the middle of March.

We have South Beach. Enjoy your snowstorm.

Sticking with basketball, media speculation points to a college coaching return for P.J. Carlesimo at Oregon. Given the Ducks recent history of choke jobs, this seems like a good fit.

Tiger Woods this week reportedly turned down a 5-year, $75 million endorsement deal from Irish bookmaker Paddy Power, though you can’t fault the company for trying. I, too, would bet everything on Tiger.

Quick: three individuals form a partnership and agree to divide all profits equally. X invests $9,000, Y invests $7,000 and Z invests $4,000. If the profits are $4,800, how much less does X receive than if the profits were divided in proportion to the amount invested?

Huh? What? Sorry, that was more random and pointless than asking a football player to answer.

I’m short on time. Here’s your buzzer beater. In the words of Livan Hernandez, I low you Meeami.

“Are you kidding me, Dave O’Brien!?!”

- Robbie