“Lost”: Season 6, Episode 12 Recap

 

Dammit, Kate! We said business casual.

Much like Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse six months ago, I have absolutely no idea where this show is going.

Thanks to you, the loyal Casualtist, we’re now six algorithm-busting “Lost” recaps into the season. As your unfettered enthusiasm inspires me to new literary heights, you can be reasonably assured that Sports Casualties will be the go-to destination for all your Jack and Kate Plus Eight news for the remainder of the season. Here’s what “Lost” Recap fans are saying:

“You’re ripping apart so much that I hold dear, Robbie. So. Much. Fact checking. Needed.” ~ Sarika

“Seriously, though, ‘Not Penny’s boat.’ Nothing? How do you not remember that?” ~ Amber

“Everything the above said.” ~ Tom

“That was the most stupid bunch of cr@p I ever read! Why do you bother?? You are clearly not a fan, and no one is interested in you making fun of a show you can’t possibly comprehend, you obviously are not intelligent enough to understand any of it!! ROFLMAO!!” ~ Dee

“If you dig the main chick from ‘V’ you should check out Firefly/Serenity. The show was cancelled after one season because Fox decided to air the episodes out of order. But she looks a lot better with long hair and she plays a prostitute. So, um, yeah.” ~ Kyle

As you can see, SC “Lost” coverage has been an unqualified success, no thanks to the 13-year-old perverts who frequent our site looking for soft-core pics of Kate (click here). Island time. Let’s do this.

___________

We know right off the bat that Hurley is a huge fan of the KFC Double Down. In fact, he’s something of a fried chicken visionary, or so we’ve been led to believe by the opening Colonel-inspired slide show. After being honored, Hugo’s hot latino mother, Madre Hugo, scores Big Hurley a date. I hope it’s with Karen O. That always been my dream – for my mom to score me a date with a hipster princess.

That was the side flash. Now we’re on the island where we find out that Karen, or whomever the date would have been, uh, is dead. But good news, Diversity! You’re lone black character is back to save the Islanders! That would of course be the star of “Matrix Revolutions,” Link. Or as he’s known to me and you, Harold Parrineau.

Apparently Harrold – or Michael Dawson as he’s known to Jack – is a figment of Hugo’s imagination, much like my arts position paper is still a figment of my imagination. Remember that total out-of-his-league blonde from the island? She’s back, and her name is Elizabeth. She’s jabbering on like Gilbert Gottfried at a Comedy Central Roast and, just like GotFried, is an inmate at the Santa Rosa Mental Hospital. That’s “Santa Rose” Mental Hospital for all you non-Miami natives.

"This post is a bigger disaster than 'Problem Child 3'"

After a huge explosion rocks the island while I was trying to figure out how to translate “Rosa,” Smoke Monster Locke, Sayid, Kate and Sawyer privvy us to a group powwow, after which Sayid leads SM Locke to the sixth member of Pearl Jam, Desmond Hume (in the foreground). Unfortunately, Sayid couldn’t find a better man, so he tied Des to a tree. You know what I always say, “It’s better to be tied to a tree than to smoke tree… before writing a ‘Lost’ Recap.”

Commercial break shoutouts: chin up, Ben and Alan. Our Methods paper isn’t nearly as disastrous as this post. 

Back on the island, I’ve found out that Ilana just blew up in the massive dynamite explosion. To celebrate, Hurley orders a bucket of Mr. Clucks chicken in the sideflash timeline… and washes it down with a conversation with Desmond.

I’m going to offer something groundbreaking right now: Des is totally the new Jacob. He’s fulfilling all of Jacob’s roles, except with a deep baritone and better looks… so I’m told, by the ladies. I personally have zero preference. Zero.

Seriously. Not that there’s anything wrong with having a preference.

In the island timeline, we find out that Chuck Widmore zapped Des “with experience.” I wish Bobby Cox could do this to Axl Rose lookalike Tommy Hanson. Of more importance, we find out that Smoke Monster Locke might actually be Locke Locke (as in the guy that did more for the Shaved Head than Michael Jordan and Bruce Willis combined, not the philosopher). Also, something else just blew up – and given that this is circa 2004, I’m guessing it was either Usher’s “Yeah” or the Yankees bullpen in the ALCS. One or the other.

"Actually, Hilson, we're not in 2004. But yeah, we totally choked."

More shoutouts: Taylor, if you’re still reading, you have a higher pain threshold than I do. Kudos.

Michael told Hurley to detonate the remainder of the dynamite so that the rest of the islanders couldn’t blow up the plane. Strong move. “Dead people are more reliable than live people,” Hurley says. Especially if the live person is John Edwards and the dead person is Lou Gehrig. Back in the mental hospital, the hot blonde tells Hugo that she dreamed of a plane crash, that they were in love, that she’s seen the future. If Tom Hanks would have had this same dream, he probably wouldn’t have gotten on that doomed FedEx flight… and you wouldn’t have had to sit through a 2 1/2-hour movie with Helen Hunt. 

Good for Hurley. He totally mans up and asks the crazy woman out on a date. I’ve done this several times. 

“There’s nothing special about me, brotha,” Des says to Locke. “This island has it in for all of us.” Then, out of nowhere, a ghost boy appears. Is that you, Jeffrey Maier?

Meanwhile, Hurley lays down an ultimatum for the Ageless Wonder “Not Diane Lane” Dick Alpert: Blow stuff up or come with me. Jack’s got Hurley’s back – they’re going to find Locke. The 13-year-old version of me opts for blowing stuff up.

Old... And hot.

Says a green M&M during a commercial, “Boys, it’s all about the poles.” That sounds dirtier than a Longoriaism.  

Sun and Frank are also in the Hurley/Jack entourage, and Sun still can’t speak English after a vicious bump to the head. Jack tells Hurley that he can’t ever fix Juliet’s death. This is exactly how Leonardo DiCaprio felt just a handful of films after “Basketball Diaries.”

To obscure?

After a heartfelt talk between Michael and Hurley, we’re jettisoned to the sideflash timeline where Hurls and the blonde are having lunch on a sandy beach. SOUND FAMILIAR!?! Foreshadowing, Casualtists. Or backshadowing. Sideshadowing. Whatever.

Hugo: “Why do you want to be with me?”

Blonde: “Because I like you.”

I’m sorry. We were looking for “because you’re rich.” But in all seriousness, an intimate kiss brings back all kinds of alternate universe dreams. “If you die in your dreams, you die for real,” says a character in the “A Nightmare on Elm Street” trailer. Does this apply to “Lost” as well? Much like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsy Pop, the world will never know.

Bad job by you, J.J. Abrams.

Now then, Locke escorts Des to a well – the same hand-dug well that causes compasses to spin in circles. “Why aren’t you afraid? You’re out here in the middle of the jungle with me, the only person who knows you’re here,” Locke tells Des before pushing him into the well. Geeze, most unceremonious canning since Josh Homme dumped wildman Nick Oliveri from Queens of the Stone Age. Brutal. 

Moving on… I just got chills. Hugo calls his friends out of the woods. Jack confronts Locke face-to-face for the first time in weeks. And Jack looks pissed – much less generous than when he offered to pose for the cover of the Arctic Monkey’s debut.

During the sideflash, Des mows down a crippled Locke in a brand new 330i. How’s that for product placement? BMW is not happy. Neither is Ben Linus, who just got blood on his new V-neck vest. See what I did there? “V”? 

Cheers, Kyle.

Please send questions, complaints, hate mail and Covering the Arts position papers to robbiehilson@yahoo.com. The latter would be much appreciated.

- Robbie

“Lost”: Season 6, Episode 11 Recap

 

Hanes has kidnapped our Kate.

Kate Lost. Lost Kate. Kate Lost Hot. Evangeline Lilly. Evangeline Lilly swimsuit… As always, you can suck it, Google. I wanna talk “Lost.” Let’s do this.

First, to the cute brunette in Library West: I very much enjoyed that half-hour game of awkward semi-eye contact. I hope I see you again. Niceties out of the way. Island time.

We know right off the bat that this episode follows the life and times of Eddie Vedder impersonator Desmond Hume, which delights me to no end because I have a bottomless reservoir of Pearl Jam references to drop on you as this night progresses. 

Good old Charles Widmore is already pissing people off. He’s the first guy Desmond sees upon waking from his time-traveling space nap. And Desmond wastes no time at attempting to decapitate him with an IV stand. Said Widmore upon separating himself from a rabid Desmond: “Ohhh I, ohhhh, I’m still A-liiivvvee!“

Oh yeah. There’s plenty of these coming.

The Widmore Others – led by one Zoe (Deschanel?) – have apparently built a massive time travel machine that one can only assume was engineered proper by my man Daniel Fairskin. Apparently, the kinks haven’t been worked out because somebody just got fried while standing in its beams – think Fourth of July hotdog left on the grill for 45 minutes. Desmond is next in line for the frier. As he’s not a Twinkie, this is an unfavorable situation in which to find oneself.

Not Desmond.

Widmore seems to think that Desmond has intrinsic qualities that make him conducive to time travel. Basically Marty McFly, but a foot taller and with a Scottish accent, brotha. By the way, this time machine looks like two massive fire donuts on parallel sides of each other. It creates a time-traveling frosting beam that zaps Desmond Star Trek-style into some netherworld.

Flashback time, people. With short hair, Dez looks more like Hugh Jackman, but instead of flirting with Barbara Walters, he’s trying to pick up another hot blonde at the airport – namely, babe Claire. Interestingly enough, the driver at the airport functions as a pimp, offering Desmond women with his car ride. I say “interestingly enough” because this is not Miami. Desmond, in an exceedingly classy move says, “I’D RATHER BE WITH AN AN-I-MAAAA-AAAAAAAALL!”

But seriously, he says no to the ladies, because he’s late for a meeting with budfriend Chuck Widmore. I, for one, saw that coming like I saw Bryan Holt’s mid-blogging beer-grab tonight. And trust me, I saw that coming. 

So we’re back from a commercial, and it turns out that the Lord of the Rings hobbit/junkie from earlier seasons is actually supposed to perform for Dez’s lady tonight, and by Dez’s lady, I of course mean, “Daughter Widmore.” This is a twisted web we weave, Casualtists. A twisted web. 

So get this. Charlie, the junkie hobbit, was actually dating Evangeline Lilly at one point. That’s on par with Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett if you ask me. Also, Charlie and The Desmeister discuss love, life, choking on a full bag of heroin and other sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll stories. Des says to Charlie, “There’s always a choice, brother.”

This is how Justin Upton tried to talk brother BJ off the Mendoza Line last year. Happy opening night, Rays fans.

Crazy white girl: not turned off by .241 batting average.

You should know, for the sake of visuals, that Hobbit Junkie looks very much like ’94 Thom Yorke, a comparison that he does not take kindly to… because he just drove Desmond’s Mercedes into the ocean. Trapped underwater, Charlie presses his hand to the glass a la Rose in “Titantic.” It reads, hauntingly, “Not Penny’s Boat.” “Lost” expert Amber probably has some clue as to what this means. I, on the other hand, can only think of song titles with “Penny.” 1) “Penny Lane” ~ Beatles 2) “Pennies” ~ Smashing Pumpkins 3) The Mary Kate and Ashley club jam “Get Your JC Penney On.”

Commercial break loose ends: A big Sorry About Your Man Brad Stevens shoutout to Butler bandwagoner/superstar journalists/Casualtist/friend Hilary Lehman, who I promised a big shoutout to about a month ago. I hope this was worth the wait, Hilsworth. At least 63 people will see your name tonight.

Back from commercial. Desmond, at the hospital, can’t seem to answer the “Do you have any hallucinations?” question. Did Des have an experience with bad ‘shrooms, too? I know what question he can answer: “Have you ever been experienced? Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful?“

This tendency for acid trips really bites Desmond in the ass when he’s put into one of those GE CAT scan units. He flips, but then runs into Dr. Jack (not Ramsay, Black, the Ripper, McDowell, Nicholson, Nicklaus… that should narrow it down). And then he finds Charlie running around in a hospital gown, playing an awkward game of semi-eye contact with the hottest nurse in the ER. Made that last part up. Really, though, Charlie’s like, “Is your name Michael Diamond?”

“Nah, mine’s Clarence,” says Desmond, before running after Penny.

"Lost" fan Mike D with The King of Beers.

This alternate version of episode 11 brought to you in part by insomnia, in association with Beastie Boys lyrics. Also, did “FlashForward” hijack the entire cast of “Lost”? Because in all seriousness, I can’t stomach another hour of Junkie Hobbit Charlie.

Another big reveal: Mrs. Widmore, who’s gotta be about 20 years older than the already older-than-water Mr. Widmore, is totally in this episode. And that’s really all I can say about that. I can also say that this is definitely an instance of TV magic – there’s no way in hell a couple as heinously wrinkled as Mrs./Mr. Widmore could spawn the vixen that is Penny “I’m Also in ‘FlashForward’ Hume. Ms. Widmore explains to Desmond that he’s not ready to see “the list.” This is exactly what George Mitchell said to Bud Selig.

George then erased Albert Pujols’ name, and proceeded to show Bud the list. 

Desmond storms to his limo, (much like Bryan Holt) pounds a shot of Jack, and rolls down his window to greet a Neil Young-circa-1972-looking Daniel Fairskin. ”We need to talk,” says Fairskin, who also claims to be the son of the Widmores… Just got a “V” commercial with alien sex. Lou Dobbs is frowning upon this.

Lighten up, Lou. It's not all bad.

“Do you believe in love at first sight, Mr. Hume?” Fairskin asks Desmond… Well, do ya, punk? 

Funny thing. Musician Fairskin woke up to find a bunch of quantum mechanics written in his diary, only he doesn’t know anything about science… in this life. Seems like everybody’s starting to “flash” now, and all of a sudden, this show has become, uh, “FlashForward.” To me, this is a more barefaced attempt at marketing synergy than ESPN’s Easter “Boston Day, For Catholics Only,” which was mildly offensive to me, an avowed Protestant. Shame on you,Worldwide Leader.

Daniel Fairskin tells Desmond where to intercept his future wife, Penny. They meet in a soccer stadium. Wayne Rooney introduces them. Back from the flashback, a reinvigorated Desmond is totally cooperative after being zapped by the double donuts… which is good, because he just got re-kidnapped by Sayid. After another flashback to the stadium, Desmond asks Penny out to coffee (double donuts, anyone????). She accepts. He then goes back to his limo and asks his driver, Harry Shearer, to find the passenger manifest from Flight 815. Cue horror movie violins… Why is this important?

Because much like Eddie Vedder, Desmond is given to fly.

- Robbie

“Lost”: Season 6, Episode 10 Recap

 

My mom will not be happy about this. Little Jimmy will.

Time moves slower on Tuesdays. It’s 9 o’clock. Guess who wants to talk about “Lost.”

Before we get started, I have a couple things to update you on. For all of you who did not have me in your thoughts and prayers last night as I was battling death – aka either a spider bite or bad aspirin – 1) for shame! and 2) let’s just say I woke up looking like an American Gladiator, hung like Greg Oden and shooting web from my wrists… Alright, so the Oden part is a lie, but the rest is 100 percent true. I also want to tell you that if you happen to be a journalism grad student at the University of Florida, don’t expect the school to offer any actual journalism classes during the upcoming fall semester. This would be both logical and practical. You’re in Gator Nation, people – we don’t do logical or practical. So to Bryan Holt, who’s holed up working on some paper that has zero chance of helping him get a job, Ben and Alan who are killing themselves at stats for nothing, my entire Research Methods class, and, uh, me: this “Lost” post is for you. My Spidey senses are heightened. Let’s do this.

__________

We got a Sun and Jin episode in the works. All I can say about this is, HOLLA, HOT ASIAN GIRLS IN LIBRARY WEST! The first scene is brought to you in part by epilepsy inducing night vision goggles, so I could be concussed for the rest of the review. I also might be drinking. Proceed with caution.

So we’re on the island post-crash and the big elephant in the room is still which Kwon’s name is written on Jacob’s cave dwelling. Instead of just telling us straight out, the writers – per usual – make us jump through hoops, or in this case, a flashback to the “crash never happened timeline.” The Kwons check into a hotel room in this universe. But that’s neither here nor there, because back on the island, the night-visioned people are going to town on Sawyer, Jin and crew with poisonous darts. I’d usually finish this paragraph with my trademark dry humor and wit, but a Victoria’s Secret “Naked” commercial is currently on my screen… Priorities.

Who said supermodels don't watch intelligent TV dramas?

Of note, the night-visioned “others” stole Jin – the Kwon, not the Bombay Sapphire. Back from commercial, we’re treated to a powwow between Ben, Ilana, Jack and a pissed-off Sun. Jack tells Sun about destiny and the lighthouse and whatnot, but she’s having none of it. ”I just want you to go away and leave me alone.” Uh, yeah, that was Sun, not the girls at The Top on Saturday. Back in the no-crash timeline where Jin is a total prude – he checked into two separate hotel rooms – we learn that Sun is totally hot, and kind of a whore. She starts stripping for Jin a la Pants on the Ground. 

Back on the island, Smoke Monster Locke uses the lyrics to a Zwan song to tempt Sun into joining his camp. He says simply, “Come with me.” She hauls ass, so I guess she’s not a huge Billy Corgan fan, which is unfortunate… because my ideal woman is Asian and loves the Smashing Pumpkins. 

Midway through the chase scene, we cut back to Jin and Sun in the hotel room looking very much like Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts during the first post-sex scene in “Notting Hill.” Not that I’ve seen it or anything. Hey! So get this. Sun has a scratch on her face from ANOTHER timeline, much like our least favorite character Jack. Also, the guys that tried to kill Sayid are knockin’ on the door. They have Papa Johns.

Back on the island, Jin’s trapped in a room that the writers apparently conceived while watching “Saw IV.” Great movie. “Where am I?” he asks. “Room 23,” says the Tina Fey lookalike that also tried to take Sawyer… So DHARMA built a room for The King? Classy move, DHARMA. Classy Move. You know what this means…

Gratuitous King.

I don’t know what Tina Fey Sans Scar’s name is, but she works for Charles Whidmore – not to be confused for Charlie Whitehurst, the former Clemson QB who was inexplicably traded to Seattle for a third round pick despite throwing a grand total of 2 career passes. On the island, Jack says to Smoke Monster Locke: “Pete Carroll is a dumbass.” 

After another long commercial break, the hitman breaks into the Kwon honeymoon suite looking for Jin and his $25,000. The hitman makes a series of racial slurs, which doesn’t seem to sit well with Jin, who’s not fond of being associated with “Godzilla.” Especially since he’s Korean. 

As if this show couldn’t get any more batsh*t insane, Sun hits her head back on the island and, wouldn’t you know, totally forgets how to speak English. I wonder if Sammy Sosa hit his head before speaking to Congress. Never mind. We got more important things to discuss: namely, a stare down/meeting of the minds between SM Locke and Whidmore in which SM Locke says, “War is comin’ to this island.” I’m pretty sure Cuban psychics were saying this in 1897. Listen to these people, Whidmore. They’re always right. 

Sneaky. Sneaky. Sneaky. That’s what Sun is, Casualtists. She once again fakes not being able to speak English (at least, that’s what I think) so that she can have a private discussion in front of everybody with the apparently-Korean-speaking Richard, aka ‘Lil Dick. Back in the no-crash universe, Jin is getting tied up in a kitchen, which means we’re seeing the scenes before Sayid breaks in and start kicking hitman ass. Also of note, both of the timelines are matching up for the first time – Jin’s locked up in both places. I don’t know if this means anything, but I’m trying to bring something to the party besides crappy jokes. Speaking of crappy jokes, Charles “Not a Comedian” Whidmore shows Jin his daughter that he’s never seen before. This is cold, holmes. Colder than Santonio Holmes throwing a wine glass at a helpless woman in a nightclub… The end game in the Whidmore storyline is that he wants to keep all of our favorite “Lost” characters, plus Kate and Jack, from falling prey to Smoke Monster Locke.

Commercial break shout-outs: Emily, Nancy, Brittany… What. Is. Happenin’? Brittany, way to rock the plaid today. ’92 Seattle would be proud.

'92 Seattle.

Commercial break over. Sayid busts in to save Jin from the Hitman. We saw this coming. Literally. Jin finds a gun, and quite graphically for a 9:56 p.m. shooting, busts a cap in the hitman’s eye. Tiny problem: Sun took one for the Kwon team – she’s bleeding everywhere… Back on the island (my go-to transition), Jack shows Sun a tomato. This is a common pick-up line in Korea. Also, Jack is officially the Charlie Rangel of “Lost” – on the winning team, but totally marginalized anyway. Did Jack cheat on his taxes, too?

Sayid “The Impaler” is using some crazy Navy Seal tactics to spy on Whidmore’s people, when he runs into the cool Australian mate from seasons past. I believe his name is Frank Lapidus. Just kidding, overly sensitive, diehard “Lost” fans. It’s totally Eddie Vedder lookalike Desmond. And Desmond – as Sayid’s facial expression can attest – is actually a reason to stick this trainwreck of a season out. See you next Wednesday, Asian fanbase.

- Robbie

“Lost”: Season 6, Episode 9 Recap

 

Kate's lingerie provided by Project Dharma.

Still so many questions. Still so many freaking questions.

Would just like everyone to know that I turned down an invitation to watch this with real people so that I could be with you, the 12-year-old digital perv surfing the web for hot pics of Evangeline Lilly. Shame on you, little Jimmy. Either stay off our site or start clicking some more damn links. There are at least 4 SC readers on here at any given time – you’re taking up valuable hosting space. By the way, how ya feelin’ about that Kate photo up top? In a word, baw-chicka-baw-wah. Pervert. Also, here’s another hot picture of Kate.

Sucker. Let’s do this.

I guess the big reveal tonight will focus around Lil’ Dickie Alpert’s inability to age. We’re not talking about “Oh, he looks great for his age” like Diane Lane or Jo Jo White or your friend’s hot mom. No, I mean the guy DOES NOT AGE. (Random aside: what’s it gonna be like for Clark Kent when Lois Lane starts letting herself go? The guy’s the freaking Tim Tebow of superheroes – he can get any woman he wants. You’re telling me those two are living happily ever after? No chance. I’d give that relationship 3 more years, tops, before he’s spotted at some swanky nightclub with Kristen Stewart or Lindsay Lohan. Men are pigs… Come to think of it, I’d ask the same questions of Ashton/Demi. Are they even still together? Gross. She’s gotta be like 58.) Back to Alpert. I say he’s a cyborg and that this entire show has been one massive plug for the yet-to-be-unveiled “Terminator” sequel: “Terminator: Stuck in a Moment He Can’t Get Out Of.” Music by U2. 

Okay, so maybe "gross" was a stretch.

 So we start off with Ilana – of “Ugly Betty” fame – in a body cast in the pre-crash timeline. Jacob comes to her bedside and tells her to protect the 6 remaining Jacob-replacing candidates. So, uh, Jacob knew he was going to die? Bizarre. Must be how Mike Dunleavy felt about his career about 6 months ago.

Back on the island, Richard Alpert – who will hereto forth be known as ‘Lil Dick – gives a rah-rah! campfire speech to the other main characters. Actually, he tells them “we’re all dead” and this “is hell.” Commercial break aside: Top 5 “Hell” songs in no particular order… “Hells Bells,” “Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be,” “Highway to Hell”…

Another fun fact about ‘Lil Dick. Not only does he possess eternal youth, but an innate ability to keep a perfectly coifed head of hair even on a jungle island. Moving on to our first batsh** flashback, The Ageless One is riding horseback a la “Wuthering Heights” to some shack on the island back in the early 1800s. His lady is sick, but as is usually the case with TV, still totally hot. Also, both of the Alperts speak Spanish – problematic since I like to listen and type at the same time. I have no idea what’s going on, but hey, that’s par for the course.

‘Lil Dick then goes to visit The Count of Monte Cristo for help. The count is unwilling, though, and accidentally bangs his head into the table in a struggle with The Ageless One. He’s dead, and unfortunately, so is Miss Dick, aka Isabella. Alpert is sentenced to jail, where he’s visited by a Catholic priest. You know what Catholic priests do to boys like Dickie? 

Refuse absolution, that’s what… You sick bastard.

Mr. and Mrs. Little Dick

Another commercial break gives me an opportunity to think about more songs with “hell” in the title. So far, I’ve only got three AC/DC tunes. And we’re going to round out the top five with Flaming Lips’ “Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell” and the Meaty One’s “Bat Out of Hell.” They don’t call me “Robbie the Music Man”…

Really, nobody calls me that. To Casualtist Amber, this is for you. Enjoy.

Return to action… I tuned in for “Lost” but instead got a third-rate “Pirates of the Caribbean” knockoff. So far, this episode is a total bust… until the ship Dick’s aboard en route to Devil’s Island runs into the now-just-a-foot Colossus statue. Bad news for the prisoners below deck: the captain is going to town on them with a sword. This is the most one-sided slaying I’ve seen since Lesnar-Couture. You’re welcome, Bryan. I know you’re only skimming anyway.

As I was thinking of clever UFC references (an abject failure), The Black Smoke – aka Ron Washington on Halloween – was busy saving ‘Lil Dick Alpert’s life, an act that would seem courageous if he wasn’t an indestructible black pillar of smoke. As we roll on into the commercial break, I’d like to point out that Kate has yet to appear in this episode. I will make this up to our horndog readership by adding extra hot kate pics. By the way, I’m a big “V” fan, and by “big” I of course mean that I think the main alien and her daughter are totally hot. Also, I hope all these instances of “hot” pay off with extra hits.

As always: suck it, Google. 

Here's to you Casualtists i.e. horny teenagers

Back to the shipwreck. Apparently the Black Smoke saved Alpert’s butt and gifted him with eternal life, but didn’t think to unlock the chains. But, hey, his dead wife is back and talking like a hopped-up Pentecostal preacher, gibbering about “Devil! EL DIABLO!” and what not. I’ve yet to explain how Isabella rose from the dead, but really, it’s a moot point because 1) it’s not been explained and 2) she just got killed. Again.

Good news for Dickie A. Not only have I thought of a new way to refer to him, but a well dressed gray haired man has come to his rescue (think Richard from the first “Survivor” during the reunion show). And he’s got keys to the chains. After a little chitchat, he uncuffs Alpert, who upon release feels like Ray Bourque after he was traded to the Avalanche. Says Well Dressed Gray Haired Man (WDGHM): “There’s only one way to escape from Hell – we’re going to have to kill the Devil.” I’m no theology expert, but I can tell you from the horror movies I’ve seen that this is almost impossible. Remember the end of “The Devil’s Advocate”? Yeah, this will end badly.

Back from commercial. Alpert is chowing down on monkey brains, when WDGHM drops this bomb: “I am the Black Smoke.” Alpert’s response:

WHATCHOO TALKIN’ BOUT WILLIS?

So the Black Smoke asks ‘Lil Dick to stab the devil with a knife. Again, I’m not feeling this plan – especially since Sayid’s attempt on Smoke Monster Locke was a disaster – but Dickie is a gamer. Surprise of surprises, “the devil” turns out to be none other than our Biblically-named man Jacob. For all those who didn’t go to a tiny private high school, let me point out the symbolism in this interaction: Jacob – by dunking ‘Lil Dick in the ocean and screaming “YOU THINK YOU’RE DEAD, BITCH?!” – is in effect saying, “I am gently baptizing you, my son. Now you will live forever. I am not the devil. I love you. BITCH!”

Gratuitous King. Miss you, Bron Bron.

Commercial break aside: I’ve been warned that this episode goes an extra 6 minutes, which means this post could run a little long. Does that stop me from writing pointless crap like “commercial break aside”? No. No, it doesn’t. Also, to “Lost” fans Amber and Sarika: since I’ve given “dap,” as the kids say, to both of you, I fully expect this post to reach 100 hits by Wednesday night. That is all.

“Are you the devil?” No, Jacob is not. I think I’ve established this. But he is a master analogist (if that’s a word) – he’s likening the Island to the cork in a bottle of wine. It’s basically a “hell” buffer, swallowing up all of the world’s “malevolence.” Jacob asks ‘Lil Dickie – who’s rocking some Jerry Garcia-worthy facial hair at this point – if he will be his intermediary for the people he (Jacob) brings to the island. Sure, why not? WDGHM is less than thrilled when he finds out about this, but says Dickie’s offer to join the Dark Side and revive Isabella from the dead still stands. This show is totally heading for a “Luke, I am your father” moment. 

*heavy breathing*

Back in the “current” timeline, ‘Lil Dick’s like, “I changed my mind. Does the offer still stand?” No answer. HOWEVVAH, as Stephen A. would say, Hurley’s been talking to Dead Wife Isabella… Did you ever see the clay sculpting scene in “Ghost”? This is pretty much what’s happening now between Invisible Isabella and Not Invisible Husband. I can’t describe it with any more detail and still keep this post PG-13. 

Last line: “You have to stop the Man in Black, because if you don’t… (in Espanol) WE ALL GO TO HELL.” Cue evil organ music and pan to Locke.

In closing, WDGHM and Jacob have a little heart-to-heart. Jacob passes WDGHM a bottle of wine, which Gray Hair smashes. They both promise to kill each other. Diehard “Lost” fans lose their collective s***. First one to tell me what WDGHM’s real name is, uh, gets a big shout out in the next post… and a digital cookie.

We’re done. But if you still haven’t gotten your “Lost” fix, check out two bloviators go toe-to-toe, theory-to-theory on the 3/5 episode of Bill Simmons’ “B.S. Report,” which you can download here. Also, thanks to Bryan for the word “bloviate.” He has a surprisingly expansive vocabulary for a NASCAR fan.

- Robbie

Hits, Fits and Tits: Sports Casualties at 101

 

Two of our favorites here to help us celebrate.

In honor of our 101st post, Sports Casualties would like to commemorate this blog’s march to triple digits in the only way we know possible – with self-congratulations and sordid humor. We’d like to sincerely thank those of you who’ve been with us since our first 20-hit week. Your active readership means the world to us and we’ll be sure to remember you when we’re famous. For those of you who have just recently come aboard, we’d like to say welcome… and what the hell took so long? And now, because we’ve never been ones for smooth transitions, we’re going to dive right into this little three-month overview with three words that have carried us this far.

Kate. Lost. Hot. I mean…

Let’s do this.

Top Posts

The following were ranked based on number of hits and overall cultural impact.

1) Jersey Shore: A Sports Celebration: 2,211 hits… A post so groundbreaking that it spun off two more posts and an entire reality TV show.

What we said: “Much like a Seaside Heights boardwalk brawl, there are no rules or regulations here. Teams from every sport, college or professional, are eligible for an eternally embarrassing connection to one of the most famous guidos or guidettes in the world.” ~ Bryan, from original post

“The Snooky/FIU comparison was a stroke of genius (especially since I was fully expecting Rudy T), and I have to say, this column completely wasted an hour of time. Five to read it – not a waste – 55 deciding whether Angelina was Koufax, Len Bias, Bill Walton or Daryl Strawberry.” ~ Robbie

What you said: “Gators wear jean shorts and Situation loves GTL… The facts of life.” ~ Bradley Crone, Casualtist

2) Jamison to Cavs and Other Madness: A Final Dispatch from the NBA Trade Post: 221 hits… A post that True Hoops blogger Scott Phillips stumbled upon while aggregating blurbs from legitimate news organizations. Oops. All hell broke loose in the wee morning hours as Canadians everywhere proved that they, too, can lose their collective s***.

What we said: “For his part, Colangelo thinks the Raptors have more than the shot I give them to resign Bosh. I give them a shot in hell. The Raptors will essentially let walk one of the premier all-around forwards in basketball – this after they spent about $50 million on Hedu Turkoglu. The lesson here as always: Canada sucks.” ~ Robbie, from original post

“Congrats on our first 300-hits day. ‘Canada sucks’ may be the most effective words that you have ever written.” ~ Bryan

What you said: “Well judging by your lack of hits, I’d say your website sucks. I’d also say you’re a typical American who lives in a bubble and thinks your tanking economy and embarrassing political system makes anyone outside of the USA jealous. But yeah, man do I ever wish I could move to Detroit or Milwaukee!” ~ Dan, from Canada

“‘The lesson here is Canada sucks?’ How about the lesson here is ‘the arrogant, ignorant, fat-ass American Empire will fall hard and fast and the rest of the world not only won’t give a rats ass about it, some will be quite thrilled.’” ~ Doug, from Canada

3) “Lost”: Season 6, Episode 4 Recap: 1,160 hits… So two out of SC’s top three posts are are primarily based around television shows. I’m not sure what this says about our potential as sportswriters. Regardless, Robbie’s ability to discuss “Lost” by relating the show to sports made this column enjoyable for even the most novice of “Lost” amateurs (read: Bryan Holt).

What we said: “Danny Ferry has heeded my cries. Jamison to the Cavs. Lindsey Vonn picks up her first Olympic gold medal. Lindsey Vonn is way hot. Now let’s talk ‘Lost.’” ~ Robbie, from original post.

“I decided before I ever watched an episode of ‘Lost’ that I’m not smart enough to watch it.” ~ Bryan

What you said: “I know this is stalkerish, but are you the one who writes the ‘Lost’ recaps?” ~ Attractive Blonde Casualtist to Robbie at a bar

Evangeline Lilly: The inspiration behind Kate Lost Hot.

4) An Olympic Masterpiece: 27 hits… Just when you thought we were unlikeable egomaniacs, Bryan wrote this. There is plenty of joking and sarcasm to spare at SC, but stories like the one of Joannie Rochette are what make sports great. As this is is being written, 2,184 more people have read Bryan’s “Jersey Shore” post than his column depicting Rochette. However, there isn’t any question at all of which column was more rewarding for him to write.

What we said: “Therese Rochette passed away on Sunday. On Tuesday night, her daughter captivated the world.” ~ Bryan, from original post

“I did not know you had this in you. Strong work.” ~ Robbie

What you said: “Anyone who watched that and didn’t at least fight back a tear doesn’t have a soul.” ~ Charlie Johnson, Casualtist

“You wrote something nice for once.” ~ Bryan’s mom.

5) Crittenton Goes All In: 12 hits… And so it all began. The initial idea for SC was built in the strenuous confines of a University of Florida reporting lab. With these 330 words, SC went from being a discussion to ease nerves before an early morning in-class writing assignment to a reality. We’ve progressively gotten wordier and more arrogant ever since.

What we said: “And now Crittenton has gone and spawned the decade’s first worthy pop-culture catch-phrase: gonna pop a cap in your reconstructed ACL.” ~ Robbie, from original post

“Ladies and gentlemen…the always articulate Mike Miller.” ~ Bryan

What you said: “I’ve never blogged but do enjoy reading your comments on Crittenton.” ~ Tim Schaffer, Casualtist

SC Loves… Our Favorite Athletes/Teams/People/Search Terms

Because if there’s one thing that we don’t take part in here at SC, it’s objectivity. Here’s some of the people that it’s hardest to discuss fairly.

LeBron James: Simply put, he’s the man. The King is often the primary subject of Robbie’s “Roundball Roundup” posts, and even causes Bryan to take notice of the NBA from time to time.

Juice Hellmanns: For those of you new to the site, this is how we refer to The Artist Formerly Known as O.J. Mayo. Get used to it… It will help you understand our Twitter page.

Tiger Woods: When the rest of the world turned its back on The Promiscuous One, SC continued to ride out the storm. We don’t care what insults people throw around about Tiger these days. He is the best golfer in the world, and we will treat him as such.

Florida Gators/Tim Tebow: Both of SC’s co-authors reside in Gainesville, Florida. Both typically enjoy living in Gainesville and would like things to remain that way. Therefore, this is a given.

Tim Tebow on his way to a dry after-party

Bill Simmons: It doesn’t take much time researching SC to see that “The Sports Guy” is one of our larger influences. Love it or hate it, his career has opened up a new aspirable writing style for young bloviators everywhere. Robbie is 587 pages through “The Book of Basketball” at the time of writing, a fact that haunts his Research Methods grades. Bryan wants his own podcast.

Braves Baseball/Jason Heyward (Robbie): This bias, along with the next, will be heavily showcased during the summer months. Expect to see plenty about both of these entities from Robbie as the dog days approach.

Rays Baseball (Bryan): A Tampa native, Bryan will seldom turn down an opportunity to discuss his favorite hometown teams. This will all come to a catastrophic clash on June 15-18 when the Braves and Rays meet in Interleague Play.

USF Bulls (Bryan): As corny and cliche as this sounds, watching USF athletics grow has been like watching a child mature for Bryan. Few things bring more personal joy than when USF succeeds in something on the field or court. Expect many a Skip Holtz feature when the fall arrives.

Miami Hurricanes (Robbie): Robbie wakes up next to a picture of his parents on his nightstand. He’s then greeted by a picture of himself with a young Andre Johnson above the refrigerator. ‘Canes posts are really just an opportunity for him to get everyone involved.

The SC 101 Awards

The Trophy: Beats the hell out of an Oscar. Available at your local liquor store.

Recognizing other highlights of our first 101 posts.

Best Tweets: “The mohawked guard has to be the modern day Jim McMahon of BYU Athletics. No way that dude is sticking to the celibacy contract.” ~ Bryan, 1:59 p.m. March 18

“Once you go black, you never go back… Either ESPN’s new motto or my cable provider sucks.” ~ Robbie, 9:50 a.m. March 18

Most Loyal Casualtist: In our typically indecisive nature, we’ve decided that we simply cannot pick one and will instead use this award as a brief “thank you” note. We never got to be rock stars, so look at this like the inside of our album cover.

Bryan: I’ll try to keep this brief. [Pulls out crumpled acceptance speech notes] First and foremost, my loyalty award goes to my family. Mom, Dad, Bulldog, Grandpa, Shirley, Dave, Aunt Susan, Jen, all of you who read the site. I know on the days when 20 people were reading, you guys probably made up 15 of them. Special thanks to my mom for refraining from telling me that my content is rude on too regular of a basis. Also, to all of my personal friends that read regularly, thank you. Corey, Jon, Troy, Jared, Rufus, all of my buddies in Knoxville (Jared Jonas, Chase Woodfin, Brad Crone, etc.) and way too many more to name. You all give us motivation to write for SC. Thanks.

Robbie: I’m not sure if my mom actually reads posts, but she loves me enough to click on extra links when we’re having a down hits day. Thanks, mom. And to my father, who follows every word despite his company-issued BlackBerry blocking our site: this is the main reason I sold all of my Research in Motion stock. Also, you’re the best. I truly hope that your retirement dreams of smoking pork butt in Coral Gables materialize. Last I checked, “QbyTheU” was an available domain name. My offers to blog about barbeque and run the front of the house still stand. To the tipsy Casualtists I see downtown: I love all of you. You have no idea what those off-handed SC remarks that you will not remember in the morning do for my confidence. And finally, to fellow blogger Kyle Rancourt who wrote this about us: If Bryan’s vision of creating a blogging Rat Pack ever comes to fruition, the Sinatra and Sammy Davis roles have been filled, but you can be our Peter Lawford.

Until 202,

Bryan and Robbie

“Tonight Show” And Other Google Trends: The Week In Review, Redux

 

"You betcha I'm an SC reader, Jay."

In a no longer unprecedented move, Sports Casualties will reverse the order of this week’s “Review” columns. Much like when “Sunday NFL Countdown” airs on Saturday, I stubbornly refuse to pull the “Redux” from the title. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll up, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.

Something happened last night that makes me think that I’ve sold this whole Sports Casualties proposition a bit short. Evidence…

I’m over at Gainesville’s finest hipster establishment, The Atlantic, feverishly two-stepping away the wee hours of the morning, when an attractive blonde walks up to me and says something to the effect of, “I know this is stalkerish, but are you the one who writes the ‘Lost’ recaps?”

Yes. Yes, I am.

Never mind that this girl was a friend of a friend or that – with the pounding house music thumping in my ears – she could very well have asked, “Are you the one who lost his Pabst?”

I heard what I heard. And what I heard put a grin on my face the size of a Niecy Nash asset.

In the last seven days alone, the writers for the “Tonight Show” hit up our own Bryan Holt for monologue ideas and “Kate lost hot” has become the new “gym, tan, laundry.” The stakes have been raised, people, and not just because we started gambling on “Dancing With The Stars.”

So as we roll on in to the best week of this young year – a debaucherous sans-school vacation in which many a meaningless ball game will be played, many a beer will be drank, and many an American teenager will be kidnapped – I feel it necessary to once again clearly delineate my expectations for the rest of this semester and beyond.

It is both my goal and purpose in life to build this graphics-challenged little-engine-that-could into an all-encompassing media empire. So, I will not rest until either A) a rabid pack of Tri Delts tramples Bryan in a fit of celebrity-induced hysteria B) one prominent college basketball announcer endorses SC’s own male fertility drug (more on this in a second) or C) No. 32 for the Memphis Grizzlies legally changes his name to Juice Hellmanns.

I will also accept “SPORTS CASUALTIES” written in big chalk letters in front of Library West.

They're coming for you, Bryan.

With all this as foreword, I present to you, fresh off another successful comeback show and his own Wednesday post, The Alpha-Chinned One… Mr. Jay Leno! Kick us off, Jay.

__________

[Leno glides onto the stage with an extra pep in his step from a massively successful Tuesday hour with guest Sarah Palin, shakes hands with throngs of adoring fans, and whispers to himself, “Suck it, Dave… Let's do this."]

Leno: Now everyone is still talking about New York Governor David Paterson’s decision not to run for reelection in November.   

[pause]

Leno: I don’t know about you Kev, but I sure didn’t see that comin’!

[unhinged studio laughter mixed with a few loud “ooooooooohs” from audience members with blind friends]

Leno: Governor Paterson made his decision after a revelation that top aide David Johnson had been involved in a domestic dispute with a former girlfriend. Paterson then tried to cover up the story.

[pause]

Leno: Can you blame him, Kev? After what happened with Eliot Spitzer, he was just trying to keep his johnson under control!

[this time more “ooooooooohs” than unhinged laughter]

Kevin: Oh, you mean like his… Right. Right. Got it, Jay.

__________ 

The Man, The Myth, The Embattled

Thanks a lot, Mr. Leno. That was mildly uproarious, and more edgy than usual. See you next week.

Last Friday, Gatorade announced that it would terminate its endorsement deal with golfer Tiger Woods. Given the brand’s “Is it in you?” slogan, the company just walked away from a gift-wrapped marketing campaign.

News broke Saturday morning that basketball icon Michael Jordan had reached a deal to become the majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. A few things you should know about the purchase:

1) No. 23 was already the head of Bobcats’ basketball operations, but not an official team employee

2) Charlotte’s franchise is $150 million in debt and counting

3) Mike was killing it at the craps tables last weekend

In related news, every college prospect that thinks he has no chance of going in the top 16 is praying the Bobcats make the lottery.

A heads up to all the talking heads and columnist who are clamoring for MJ to sign coach Larry Brown to a long-term extension: Check your Wikipedia. Larry Brown is six months short of 70.

If Brown gets an extension lasting longer than 4 hours, he’ll have to immediately consult a physician.

While we’re in the gutter – and while coach Jimmy Johnson’s ExtenZE commercial airs on my TV for the upteenth time – I’ll take this opportunity to pitch Sports Casualties’ latest idea for our own Levitra/Viagra competitor. 

Ideally, we’re looking for both a catchy product name and a prominent senior citizen to sponsor said product. With this in mind, I give you…

VitaleDiCK

Slogan: Yeah BABY! 

ARE YOU SERIOUUUUUS?!

In more front office news, on Wednesday’s episode of “The Real World,” Ty Ruff (real last name) rebounded from drunkenly pushing a roommate off a balcony by landing a PR gig with the Washington Capitals.

Given his knack for poor decision-making and anti-social behavior, he should fit right in with the likes of Gary Bettman and Alex Ovechkin, respectively.

As Oscar night approaches, Saints coach Sean Payton took it upon himself to honor the Academy Award-winning performance of legendary actor Daniel Day Lewis.

After a hard day of combine scouting, Payton and his staff went to decorated Indianapolis steakhouse St. Elmo’s and ordered a bottle of Caymus Special Edition cabernet sauvignon, only to be told by the waiter that the final bottle belonged to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.

Payton took the cab anyway. When asked “WTF?” by Jones the day after, the crazed coach declared, “I…DRINK…YOUR…WINE!!!”

Turning to cheaters, when formerly disgraced slugger Alex Rodriguez was questioned this week about a suspected relationship with HGH enthusiast Dr. Anthony Galea, the Yankee great said, “I can’t get into that.” Adding, “Wait. Was that an admission of guilt?”

A-Rod: Like me, a WCS alum who doesn't know when to shut up.

On that note, it’s time for a Friday edition of This Week in Unintentionally Humorous Quotes.

__________

“Tiger home, getting into golf shape.” ~ Tuesday SportsCenter headline

“I’m no fan of filibusters.” ~ MSNBC’s Chris Matthews commenting on Sen. Jim Bunning’s (R-Ky.) address to Congress

__________

Indeed, Bunning, a former Philadelphia pitcher, caused a near riot on Capitol Hill when he held up a $10 billion unemployment benefits bill for nearly five days.

The defiant stand was just more evidence that the 78-year-old has fallen out of touch with Major League Baseball – he’s no longer willing to recklessly throw money at jobless people.

Bunning: reason 1,174 why the Phillies suck.

Staying on the topic of political deviance, Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) continues to fight allegations this week that he accepted paid vacations from a corporate constituency.

Today, Rep. Sandy Levin (D-Mich.) replaced Rangel on the prestigious House Ways and Means Committee, giving a first whiff of credence to Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s campaign promise to “Drain the swamp.”

Nancy, I’d like to say on behalf of Gator Nation: if you go any further, we’re going to have serious problems.

You’ve been great. Here’s your buzzer beater. 

“Gibbs releases it in time… AND BURIES THE SHOT!”

- Robbie

“Lost”: Season 6, Episode 6 Recap

 

Jungle Islands: Not all bad.

It’s hard to be a smart ass at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday night on five hours of sleep… but I’ll do my best. For a past recap, click here.

So here’s how this is gonna go. I plan to keep you up to speed on all matters “Lost,” while simultaneously dispersing little nuggets of LeBron talk and gratuitous pics of the show’s hot actresses. I think this is a winning formula.

Also, since Google has decided to send us a bunch of horndog 14-year-olds via its screwy algorithm, you will see phrases like “Kate lost hot” woven throughout the following with no apparent reason. Think of it as an experiment in gaming the system.  

So I say to you, Larry Page and Sergey Brinn, in the words of Hulk Hogan: Whatcha gonna do when SC mania runs wild on you?

And I say to everybody else: Let’s do this.

Sayid – in the alternate universe where the plane doesn’t crash – strolls up to the house of his old flame only to find that a 1) she’s super hot and 2) she’s married to his brother. This sucks for Sayid… Though he’s tortured in the past, so I guess what goes around comes around. Karma’s a bitch. And Sayid’s brother is a sleazeball. I think we could have a Wayne Bridge-John Terry situation on our hands. 

Back in the Post-Crash timeline, Sayid goes to question the sagacious Asian dude (Dogen) only to find himself in “Matrix”-style hand-to-hand jujitsu with said sagacious Asian dude. Sayid knocks the guy’s baseball off a table, which really seems to piss Dogen off. Think Moises Alou berating a cowering Steve Bartman.

On the island, “lost Claire hot” has teamed up with who she thinks is Locke, but who is actually the Smoke Monster. Also, Claire has been living out in the desert and killed an “other” with an axe last week, which makes her, um, an axe murderer.

Claire, before she turned into a crazed axe murderer.

First commercial break ramblings: SC co-author Bryan Holt (“Lost” novice) said he tuned into the last hour on a study break only to find that reruns employ some kind of ESPN-like Bottom Line. He was baffled. So I explained to him – quite rightly – that this show is such an outright clusterf*** that the producers need to run a feed just to keep viewers on top of things. I think I hit this explanation on the head.

Flash to Non-Crash timeline. Sleazeball assessment on Sayid’s brother confirmed. He owes some henchmen a boatload of money on a business deal turned sour. He asks Sayid to “take care of business,” you know, like he did in the war. Sayid says, “I’m sorry, I’m not that man anymore.” This is what Brad Lidge should’ve told the Phillies last year. 

Apparently Claire has Dogen by the balls, because she walks right up to the temple and requests his presence with Smoke Monster Locke… But then she gets taken off by Dogen’s posse. So maybe she doesn’t have him by the balls. Dogen then asks Sayid to kill SM Locke Dracula-style – knife to the chest.

Sayid’s reaction: “WHATCHOO TALKIN’ BOUT, WILLIS?”

Commercial Break/Gratuitous King Talk: LeBron petitioned the NBA last night to switch his number from 23 to 6. Potential reasons 1-3:

1) He doesn’t feel like paying off Eric Gordon when he signs with the Clippers.

2) There’s only six degrees of separation between LeBron and Jesus.

3) LBJ is a huge fan of the “Lost” Season 6, Episode 6 Recap. Thanks, King.

Hold that thought…

The shady businessmen evidently jumped Sayid’s brother, pulling a nasty, lung-puncturing hit job on him. He’s still alive, but, you know, suckin’ wind…(get it?) Jump to island where we find bang-bang that A) “lost Kate hot” finds out about Axe Murderer Claire and B) Sayid stabs the Smoke Monster. If you’ve ever seen someone stab a ghost, you can guess that the knife didn’t exactly have the intended effect. Smoke Monster Locke pulls the machete out of his chest and hands it back to Sayid. This is the ultimate zombie eff you.

Not as dead as you think. Or maybe dead. I have no idea.

Smoke Monster Locke/Al Davis: “What if I told you you could have anything you wanted? What if I said you that you could have anything in the entire world?”

Sayid/Javon Walker: “I would tell you that the only thing I ever wanted died in my arms, and I’ll never see it again.”

Smoke Monster Locke/Al Davis: “What if you could?”

(I know. A little heavy for those who got the reference.)

After this tense little ordeal, we switch timelines only to find Sayid in an even stickier situation. His former lover/brother’s wife asks Sayid why she dumped her. “I can’t be with you because I don’t deserve you,” he says. Looks just as stale in print as it sounded coming out in Dolby Surround.

Back on the island, Post-Crash, Sayid tells the temple people that they need to scram or else the Smoke Monster’s gonna kill everybody. Dogen seems skeptical. Cut to Kate who finds Claire at the bottom of a pit singing lullabies like a old senile lady – a hot, old senile lady. Kate tells Claire that she stole her baby, but without using “stole.” Claire’s about to kill Kate until she realizes that she’s at the bottom of a pit.

In the No-Crash timeline, the hoodlums that pulled a Bill Laimbeer on Sayid’s brother track down little bro’. Says the gansta debt collector, “It’s a dangerous world Sayid and you know that because you’re from Iraq.” 

You just can’t say these things in our politically correct society, and so Sayid goes all James Bond on everybody in the room. After making a MacGyver-worthy escape, he busts into a walk-in refrigerator only to find – who else – Jin, the show’s other ornery Asian man.

Commercial Break/Gratuitous King Talk (Potential Reasons 4-6 for the 23 to 6 Number Switch)

4) Switching to one digit has a slimming effect.

5) Michael Jordan secretly offered him half of the Bobcats.

6) Because when LeBron moves to New York, LeBron will be his own borough.

Back on the island, Dogen tells Sayid that he got tanked during a work party, wrecked his car and killed his son (my first reaction: “don’t mention Stallworth; you’re better than that, Hilson”). Then Jacob told him that if he comes to the island, his son will be saved. Says Sayid, “Jacob drives a hard bargain.” Scott Boras agrees.

Hey, so what do we think of “the bachelor finale 2010″ “marie osmond son stephen” and “heirloom tomatoes”? Suck it, Google.

America, I give you your third hottest Google Trend of March 2, 2010.

Sayid then polishes off Dogen by drowning him in a glorified Jacuzzi, and then slashes John Lennon look-alike, uh, Lennon for good measure (Keep my Beatles out of this, you bastards! Also, Lennon is Dogen’s translator.). I think that’s five Sayid murders and an attempted murder, but I’ve lost count.

In the meantime, the Smoke Monster is taking to the village people like the English army in “Braveheart.” Everybody’s looking for an out, except Claire, who’s still stuck in a pit straight out of “Silence of the Lambs.” I hope you’re enjoying these movie references.

The Smoke Monster spares Claire, Kate, Sayid, Ben and the rest of the main characters because, you know, we have like 11 episodes left. Gotta pace yourself. 

Before we go, let me get this off my chest. I know exactly what the “Lost” writers were thinking 12 months ago because this happens to me every time I go bowling. I’m really only good for four games, but I pay for six up front. By the time I actually get to game six, I’ve been sick of bowling for an hour, my arm hurts and I have a few in me… So I just start making crap up. Left-handed, granny-style, behind the back, whatever. My friends think this is great – hell, they’re doing the same thing. Can’t call me out on my BS. 

Hey “Lost” guys, you’re going to feel pretty stupid in the morning. Also, “kate lost hot.”

- Robbie

“Lost”: Season 6, Episode 4 Recap

 

You're welcome

Danny Ferry has heeded my cries. Jamison to the Cavs. Lindsey Vonn picks up her first Olympic gold medal. Lindsey is way hot. Now let’s talk “Lost.”

As always, we start off this episode with a season recap. So let me get this off my chest: if you detonate an A-bomb from two feet away, you’re not going to live to give the emotional death-in-the-arms-of-a-loved-one monologue. You’re just not. You’re going to be splattered all over the island. I’m looking at you, Juliet. 

Let’s do this.

We’re back in the post-plane landing timeline. While John Locke tries to get out of his van in a wheelchair, he inadvertently chucks himself onto the front lawn. The sprinklers go off and all I can think to myself is, “Geeze, this poor guy looks more immobile than Kevin Garnett.” Funny thing – On Locke’s ABC player page, he’s listed as, “John Locke: one less working leg than KG.” Short and to the point. A little offensive to the handicapped and Celtics fans, but I can appreciate it.

Sprinting out of the house to Locke’s rescue is none other than Katey Sagal, otherwise known as the Larry Brown of primetime TV. Off the top of my head… Sagal’s had starring roles in “Married with Children,” “8 Simple Rules,” “Futurama,” and is currently working “Sons of Anarchy.”

Kind of a network whore, wouldn’t you say? Don’t tell this to Locke – he’s apparently engaged to her. We’ll call Ms. Locke “Helen,” because that’s her name, and she wants Locke to check up with the spinal surgeon he met in the airport i.e. Jack.

Flash to Locke as the Smoke Monster scouring the island in a different time dimension. It’s a good time to admit that, much like the NBA’s trade exceptions, I follow “Lost” closely and still don’t understand it at all.

Locke's new girlfriend

Locke/Smoke Monster cuts down Richard from a boobie (Gibson) trap in the middle of the jungle. He says, “Time to talk.” And we get the spinning LOST intro, which not so long ago used to be absolutely riveting. I’m afraid to say: this show’s gone downhill faster than Ryan Leaf’s pro career.

Back to post-landing Locke. He wheels into the office and his boss calls him out for taking a personal trip to Australia on the company dime. As Scott Van Pelt’s Ego would say, John Locke is FIYA’ED! Most heartless canning I’ve seen since the Braves dumped John Smoltz.

Back to Smoke Monster Locke. Remember those flashing headaches the characters would get a few seasons back when they jumped timelines too quickly? Yeah, that’s me. Smoke Monster Locke sees a ghost kid – a tiny, white boy who has bloody hands…

Ben explains to Ilana that Locke killed Jacob by turning into the Smoke Monster. Ben: “He turned into a pillar of black smoke.” That’s funny because that’s exactly how Dwyane Wade describes Michael Beasley blazing up.

Smoke Monster Locke stumbles into one of the Dharma Initiative houses only to find a wasted Sawyer blaring “Search and Destroy” from a beat up turntable.

Iggy makes his "Lost" debut

I’m of two minds about this. First, I want to formally announce that after five plus seasons, I’m officially on Sawyer’s side. If I was sequestered on a haunted jungle island with no hope of rescue, I would be doing EXACTLY the same thing – pounding JD with the Stooges cranked full blast. That’s the way to go.

But here’s where I take issue with all of the “brilliant” indecipherable twists and turns that the hardcore “Lost” fans pour over on message boards and the like. If the “Lost” writers are really as crafty as the their reputations would have you believe, you’d think they’d avoid flubbing the pop culture timeline so badly.

Here’s where my years of misspent youth come into play… The version of “Search and Destroy” that’s playing in the background was not officially released until 1997. The original recording of “Raw Power” – the one from 1973 that I assume the writers were going for (since Dharma started going to the island in the 1970s) – was so notoriously overmixed that 1) it was virtually unlistenable and 2) the record label insisted that David Bowie rework the initial recording. He did, and that one was a distorted trainwreck as well. Not until the late ‘90s, when Iggy Pop finally remixed and remastered the original “Raw Power” did a viable recording– or at least something that could be played on ABC – become available to the public.

My point is this: there’s really no chance that the version of the album that Sawyer plays could be on the island. My friend Amber – obsessive “Lost” enthusiast – defends the whole “Search and Destroy” debacle by suggesting that the Dharma Initiative people could have brought the record with them on a subsequent visit to the project.

Not buying. You’re telling me Dharma brought a 1997 remastered vinyl edition of “Raw Power” to the island, but didn’t think to upgrade the 25 year-old turntable it’s playing on? That’s like buying a Ferrari and fitting it with $100 tires. No way.

"Do I look like a Stooges fan to you?"

Moving on.

Sawyer to Smoke Monster Locke: “I thought you were dead.” I’ve said this about Brett Favre on many occasions. Actually, if you think about it, Locke is “Lost’s” Favre – still a star in later incarnations, totally indecisive and never seems to go away. 

Commerical Sidenote: I heard some NBA news yesterday that I feel I need to pass on before I fall asleep. John Feinstein reported on the Tony Kornheiser Show that Charlotte Bobcats owner Bob Johnson will dump the team on whomever’s willing to pick up the debt… I mean, he’s not even “selling” per se. Just take the debt, and the Bobcats are yours. This is the exact same thing that happens with mansions during a real estate bubble. Unbelievable financial times we’re living in, people. Godspeed to David Stern. I hope he keeps this thing afloat.

Sticking with QB/character comparisons, I’d have to liken Sayid to Cowboys playcaller Tony Romo – both soft-spoken, high-character guys who do well with the ladies, but ultimately can’t get over a history of heartbreak and torture.

Back from commercial. Sawyer’s more tanked than Plaxico Burress in a Manhattan nightclub. I say 2:1 odds that he shoots himself in the crotch. Sawyer seems totally unimpressed by the fact that Smoke Monster Locke isn’t Locke Locke – same reaction I had to the Daytona 500.

Sawyer: “Who are you? You sure as hell ain’t John Locke.”

SM Locke: “What if I told you I was the person who could answer the most important question in the world?”

Hilson: “Holy s***! The Smoke Monster’s gonna tell where LeBron signs in the offseason.”

Sawyer: “And what question is that?”

SM Locke: “Why are you on this island?”

Hilson: (*deep sigh*)

Gratuitous King

Back to post-landing Locke, who in a stroke of luck, runs into Hurley in the parking lot. Locke chews the big boy out for blocking his ride until Hurley says that he owns the company. You laugh, but you’re looking at Jerry Buss’s son three years from now. Hurley sets Locke up with a temp job and promises to deliver an embarrassing trophy acceptance speech should the opportunity ever present itself.

Back on the island, Sawyer and Smoke Monster Locke stumble upon the invisible boy while sauntering through the jungle.

Boy to Smoke Monster: “You know the rules. You can’t kill him.” Same instructions Bulls GM John Paxson gave to Tyrus Thomas regarding his head coach.

SM Locke to Boy: “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.” Again, same response Tyrus gave to Paxson. Expect him to be traded by the deadline.

After a commercial break, Richard springs out of a patch of studio greenery in an attempt to rescue Sawyer from the Smoke Monster. Unsuccessful, Richard darts back into a Hollywood Boulevard parking lot.

Back to the temp agency. Locke meets Rose – also known as the female African American on the show – for the first time post-landing. An ornery Locke bitches and moans until Rose tells him that she has cancer. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable since the Leno/Letterman Super Bowl commercial.

(*Multiple Cringes*)

Note to self: it’s almost impossible to do a TV show play-by-play when said show runs on three different timelines. Back to Smoke Monster and Sawyer.

After pulling a gun on the Smoke Monster – because that’ll do the trick – Sawyer says to SM Locke in the most sinister of tones: “What are you?” (I know. Inappropriately long buildup.) 

SM Locke to Sawyer: “What I am is trapped. And I’ve been trapped for so long that I don’t even remember what it feels like to be free.”

Unbelievable. The sports allusions keep rolling in. Same line Roy Halladay used to get out of Toronto.

The Smoke Monster tells Sawyer he used to be a man… That’s gotta be a nod to Olympic great Johnny Weir. Cut to commercial…

Now is a good time to mention that we’ve gone almost a full episode without Jack, which means we have an official Ewing Theory candidate on our hands. If you’re unfamiliar with Simmons speak, check it out here.

Ben, Ilana, Sun and the airplane pilot haul Locke’s body to a burial site (the dead John Locke… yes, I’m just as confused as Randy Shannon in the 2 minute offense). Upon Ben’s confession that he killed Locke, the pilot gives us a wink-wink, “This is the weirdest damn funeral I’ve ever been to.” This guy reminds me of Captain Ron.

There's no getting around it: The Knicks are better without him.

Locke – the alive, handicapped Locke – flirts with calling Jack’s office for the spinal consultation, but decides against it. Instead he explains to Al Bundy’s wife the reason he’s been fired (an aborted “walkabout” in Australia). She sympathizes. She says, “The only thing I’ve ever waited for is you.” They kiss. Al comes charging through the front door like a wild rhino and kicks Locke’s crippled ass.

Made that last part up.

Back on the island, the Smoke Monster convinces Sawyer to scale a rinky-dink ladder down the side of a cliff. I’d bet all my savings and my dog’s life that this has something to do with Jacob. Get it? “Jacob’s Ladder.” I swear, these writers are more obvious than a Robbie Hilson joke.

Bingo. There’s a cave in the side of the cliff that Sawyer describes as “a hole in a cliff with rocks on a scale.” 

HEYO! The first big reveal of Season 6: The Numbers, the one’s Hurley used to win the lotto like 4 seasons ago, are scrawled with other digits all over the cave’s ceiling. Beside each is a crossed off name i.e. dead guys.

Einstein: Huge "Lost" fan

Back to post-landing Locke. Rose hooked him up with a temp job as an elementary school teacher. I’d be pissed. Locke runs into Ben, who was evidently a fourth grade European History teacher before he turned into a psychopathic killer.

We find that Jacob wrote down all the numbers after run-ins with each of the main characters:

23-Shephard, 8-Reyes, 16-Jarrah, 42-Kwon, 4-Locke, 15-Ford

So we’re 100 percent sure that these are “The Numbers” and not Jamarcus Russell passer ratings?

Smoke Monster Locke makes Sawyer an offer he can’t refuse: Antawn Jamison for Zydrunas Ilgauskas’ expiring contract, a first round pick, Al Thorton and Brian Skinner… Sorry, that was the deal the Wizards couldn’t refuse.

The Smoke Monster and Sawyer agree to go home together. Remember, Sawyer had been drinking.

- Robbie

“Michelle Obama” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

 

Like Sports Casualties, Ms. Obama looking lean and mean

This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s triumphant return to Sports Casualties glory. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.

If I were one to take hard drugs, I’d probably liken the five days after Super Bowl Sunday to something like heroin withdrawal.

I go to get my fix only to find that the cupboard – or wherever it is that one keeps hard drugs – is empty, or worse, filled with Mel Kipers and mock drafts. No thanks.

I want more. I need more. And so I flip to Showtime hoping against hope that “Inside the NFL” runs on loop. No such luck. No such Sapp. I alternate between states of calm sadness and violent quivering, mumbling to myself all along, Six days until pitchers and catchers report, six days until pitchers and catchers report.

In weeks like these – weeks in which I watch with my own eyes Miami and USF transition to basketball schools, weeks in which I consider what’s off to a more lackluster start: season six of “Lost” or Juice Hellmanns 2010 – I can only say with humility and graciousness, “Thank you.”

Thank you, Stephon Marbury, for being in my life.

The Man, The Myth, The Head Tattoo

Feb. 7 more or less changed the way I look at the world. This is the day that the AP ran a story that revealed, among other things, that the Chinese Basketball Association team that Starbury plays for is named after a local grain alcohol.

Of course, such information paints the former New Yorker in a different light. We already know that he parlayed a forgettable 37-game run with the Celtics into a 6-week, all-expenses paid vacation to the Far East. And now we know – with absolute certainty – that he speaks Chinese.

It’s not every week that one witnesses “Rise of Secret Genius.”  More evidence…

Per the AP story, Marbury has already shipped 50,000 pairs of his brand’s shoes to China, but said in the story that he has no idea how many have sold and that his marketing plan is “secret.”

This really speaks to Marbury’s entrepreneurial wisdom, because if you know one thing about marketing, it’s that keeping your product a secret is the way to go.

What’s more, he’s already got Shanxi Fenjiu (team/grain alcohol) coach Wu Qinglong eating out of his hand.

“People say this and that about him, but let me tell you, I had dinner with him last night and it was so simple – chicken fried rice. That’s it,” coach said of Marbury’s modest habits, adding, “He didn’t even want anything to drink, just bottled water.”

Qinglong continued, “Look, I’ve never seen an American tourist drink sterilized fluids in a city known for its rampant pollution. And it’s not like black people like chicken.”

Qinglong has yet to admit that he saw an old NYC streetball legend on TV, heard he was an undersized point guard with no hair, and promptly made a bid for Tiny Archibald.

Shanxi Fans: as well-behaved as a Knicks crowd

In other NBA news (because what else is there?), the Clippers fired head coach Mike “The Gangsta” Dunleavy on Feb. 4, opening up an interim position for Kim Hughes. I don’t know a lot about Hughes, but she sounds really hot.

Rockets forward Shane Battier is tickling fans and media alike with his questionable facial hair. The guys on “PTI” compared Battier’s growth to a porn ‘stache, but to Sports Casualties, the Ron Jeremy comparisons feel forced and passé.

I’d go with Columbian great Pablo Escobar – like Battier, a good distributor who shares the rock and only shoots when necessary.

Disclaimer: Sports Casualties does not endorse drug lords

News broke Thursday that Louisville head coach/ public fornicator Rick Pitino was considering a return to the NBA with, of all franchises, New Jersey.

Citing his vigorous recruiting efforts, Pitino seemed put off by the very suggestion of such a situation, saying, “I feel like that job is beneath me. I’m a college basketball coach. I do great things.”

When asked for his opinion on the 9 a.m. SportsCenter, ESPN’s Andy Katz vociferously reconciled the Nets bid for the 57 year-old, telling anchors of Pitino, “Everybody loves him – babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. He just has unbelievable mass appeal.”

On Wednesday’s “Pardon The Interruption,” Minnesota forward Kevin Love spent Five Good Minutes with Wilbon and Kornheiser discussing the NBA’s one-and-done rule.

Love told the hosts that he wouldn’t trade his time at UCLA for anything, but would have tested the waters right out of high school had the opportunity been available.

Asked to speak of new Wolves assistant Bill Laimbeer, Love said, “I think the jury’s out on him. Most people have their opinions about him.” He added, “If I had stayed in school, maybe I’d be able to use ‘the jury’s out’ properly.”

"READING SUCKS!"

In a similar story on the same day, NBA analyst Jalen Rose suggested on air that L.A. superstar Kobe Bryant should sit out the all-star game.

“Now it’s time to let the Dwight Howards of the world go out there and shine,” Rose said,  though he failed to explain to viewers that Bryant was considering starting at center for the Eastern Conference.

Much like the ’92 Michigan Wolverines, Jalen Rose is my go-to guy.

On Tuesday, the Harlem Globetrotters played on the iced pond of Central Park for the first time in their 84-year history, lending credence to longtime team slogan, “The Globetrotters: more relevant to basketball than J.W. Stewart.”

Turning now to financial headlines, the 27-country European Union debated this week whether to bail out Greece, a move that could stabilize both the Union and its tanking currency, the Euro.

The Greek Aisle has yet to ask for support from the league, but is struggling with severe debt, a decline in potential visitors and an overall lack of both interest and revenue.

Again, we’re talking about Greece, not the Charlotte Bobcats.

Time Warner Cable Arena, Minutes Before Tip

NBA owners proposed a collective bargaining agreement this week that would drastically reduce player salaries. Startlingly, the plan calls for the restructuring of existing contracts to conform to the new rules.

This strikes me, for one, as both unfair and against the spirit of capitalism. I mean, can you imagine if we did this to our country’s bankers?

Potential for lockouts in both the NFL and NBA in 2011 has commissioner Roger Goodell contemplating his league’s viability, David Stern contemplating his potholed legacy and Alex Ovechkin contemplating DOLLA DOLLA BILLS Y’ALL!

Moving to the presidential sphere, First Lady Michelle Obama launched a childhood obesity campaign Tuesday in hopes of curbing a disease that affects one-third of American children and two-thirds of American adults.

American adult and SC favorite Rex Ryan enthusiastically voiced his approval for the initiative, releasing a statement the following morning that read, “We’re going for it! LET’S GO!”

On Tuesday, the omnipresent Ryan attended a Carolina Hurricanes game decked in the garb of his favorite team, the Philadelphia Flyers.

Upon receiving a ‘Canes jersey from Carolina cheer girls, Ryan experienced a wardrobe malfunction that blinded many an unsuspecting puck fan and came within three inches of involving the FCC.

Shield your eyes. No, really. Seriously… SHIELD YOUR EYES, DAMNIT!

In a move that perplexed many, the Washington Redskins this week interviewed Bill Romanowski for the team’s strength conditioning coach position. The move is hardly surprising, though, when you consider that owner Daniel Snyder recently hired Bernie Madoff as new ‘Skins accountant.

During a seven-day span of ESPN features that included a piece on Drew Brees that should get Dr. James Andrews added to the banned substances list, the most surprising segment arrived Wednesday when SportsCenter unveiled a running series in which Herm Edwards attempts – through advice – to turn mediocre teams into Super Bowl contenders.

To me, this seems like the most ironic programming decision since ABC stuck “The Forgotten” in the time slot after “Lost.”

If you speak it, we will listen

In the wake of the Saints historic Sunday victory, news organizations reported that local New Orleans parishes had sent the Pope a Brees jersey in a play for divine intervention.

This comes after the Vatican returned boxes of Peyton Manning voodoo dolls.

And finally, as is accustomed for Super Bowl-winning players, Brees and his Saints took to the ticker-taped streets of Disney World Monday. Upon seeing an inanimate character dressed in Colts blue, the Saints QB mistakenly approached Donald Duck and said, “Good game coach.”

My time is running is out. I need a buzzer-beater. You’ve been great.

- Robbie

Spectacular