It’s the end of the week and we’re all tired. Time for me to pummel you with another 1,200-word monolith. If you like soccer, Bryan Holt’s weekly recap is probably more in your wheelhouse. If you can’t stomach overbearing nationalism, stay here.
I experimented with several other titles for this post. “Rising and Falling.” “Peaks and Valleys.” “Crests and Troughs.” You name it, I tried it. Then I stared at a blank screen for 35 minutes pondering how I’d possibly convey the emotional roller coaster that was the last seven days. Here’s what I came up with…
High: 21-year-old PGA sensation Rickie Fowler cruised to a Saturday night clubhouse lead at the Memorial with scores of 66, 65 and 69 in his first three rounds.
Low: Turned back into a pumpkin at midnight, a shaken Fowler coughs up victory with a final round 73.
High: Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo says early in the week he has no interest in leaving his school for a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Low: Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo says later in the week he’ll check with LeBron before he makes any rash decisions.
High: USC’s Lane Kiffin gets exactly what was coming to him.
Low: Reggie Bush, Juice Hellmans and Pete Carroll still seein’ dolla dolla bills, y’all.
High: The Celtics’ Ray Allen hits an NBA Finals record eight three-pointers en route to a crucial game two victory over L.A.
Low: The Celtics’ Ray Allen craps the bed in game three: 0-13 FG, 0-8 3P, 2 pts.
High: The Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup for the first time in 49 years when mullet enthusiast Patrick Kane squeezes a puck past Flyers goalie Michael Leighton four minutes into game six OT.
Low: What? It went in?
High: NBC hockey analyst and former Blackhawks star Jeremy Roenick cries on air during the Stanley Cup presentation.
Low: Toothless Blackhawks’ defender Duncan Keith: “THERE’S NO CRYING IN HOCKEY!”
High: Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg fans 14 in his Major League debut.
Low: The Big Ten just picked up its 14th team.
High: Thursday morning text from Pops – “Ran into Mike Milbury twice at the Westin.”
Low: High probability Mike publicly humiliated my father like he did Jeremy Roenick during Wednesday’s post-game coverage.
Milbury being Milbury @ 1:12
High: NCAA bans Trojans from postseason play for two years and docks the program 30 scholarships.
Low: 1) Would’ve been more helpful five years ago, when USC had a stranglehold on recruiting and New Years bowls 2) Why the hell is Paul Dee – the Paul Dee - on my TV screen right now? 3) Any time I think of Paul Dee, I think about how the Miami Hurricanes suck… If realignment pulls The U into the SEC, we won’t see 10+ wins till the Palin Administration.
High: Two words: Derek. Fisher.
Low: Dead. Fish. In the Gulf of Mexico.
High: Last half of Thursday night text from friend: “At least tell me the Lakers lost.” Sure. 2-2. Game on.
Low: First half: “I’m stuck without a ride.”
High: The World Cup is here, which means 9:30 a.m. drink specials throughout Gainesville.
Low: Round-the-clock ESPN coverage dictates 9:30 a.m. wake up just to catch SportsCenter.
High: It’s Friday. Let’s do this.
Last Friday, Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger told reporters in his first interview since his dalliance with Small Town, GA that “I think this is a time for me to close a chapter of the last couple of years of my life.”
If Ben was referring to the years that covered his motorcycle crash, Super Bowl scramble and multiple sexual assault accusations, my guess is he’s talking about Chapter 5: “No Protection.”
The Chicago Bulls hired longtime Boston Celtics assistant Tom Thibodeau as new head coach Saturday. By Sunday, “But is he a leader of men?” trended higher than any other overwrought sports media cliche.
On Sunday, the Dublin Ohio Correctional Facility released Rickie Fowler so he could complete the fourth round at Memorial.
Phil, you have met your match.
Also over the weekend, President Obama contradicted previous assertions that he’d like to see LeBron in a Bulls uni by telling Larry King that he hopes the King stays in Cleveland.
Makes sense to me. Ohio’s a swing state.
Tony Kornheiser on Friday compared the blown Armando Galarraga perfect game call to overturning slavery. After realizing his own on-air lunacy, Tony told listeners, “Please don’t hang me for my crazy analogy before.”
You might want to get a second opinion from Kelly Tilghman, but I don’t think that apology’s going to help.
NBA commissioner David Stern publicly undressed NHL kingpin and former protege Gary Bettman Sunday night. Actually, Lakers-Celtics went head-to-head with coverage of Blackhawks-Flyers.
Turning now to politics, Democrats opted Monday to forego town hall meetings in the face of public outrage from the Gulf oil spill.
Ironic right? These were the same guys prosecuting baseball’s steroid scandal and now they’re the ones avoiding public places due to connection with toxic substances.
Last week, 89-year-old White House Press Corp. mainstay Helen Thomas suggested to President Obama that Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine and go home to Germany and Poland.”
Thomas’ naive remarks shouldn’t come as a huge surprise. She was, after all, the one who implored the Jews to “disregard the flood” and “welcome the Assyrians with open arms.”
Helen retired later in the week after realizing her own senility/anti-Semitism. Her seat was promptly filled by a real reporter.
Bill Madden of the New York Daily News reported Monday that baseball’s amphetamines ban could be the cause of the recent scoring decline and multiple perfect games. “Pardon The Interruption” then covered Madden’s story that afternoon, though Mike and Tony failed to comment on SC’s exact same report written a week earlier.
As Mr. Tony would say, “day late, dolla dolla short, y’all.”
In non sequitur news…
You’re welcome, WordPress.
Roughly a month after President Obama visited the Louisiana shore to pinpoint “whose ass to kick”, BP engineers on Monday unveiled a strategy to collect and process 15,000 gallons of leaked oil per day.
Put your calculators away. I got this one… Considering about 36.5 million gallons flooded the Gulf as of Monday and 800,000 gallons continue to spill out each day, it would take roughly 7 1/2 years to clean up the entire spill… You know, if we miraculously plugged the hole right this second.
The scary part? We’re both thinking the same thing – “Hey, not as bad as I thought.”
On Tuesday during the Saints’ volunteer trip to the Gulf Coast, linebacker Jonathan Vilma told reporters, “If you’re an oil company, how do you wipe your hands of this? Say, ‘Oh, my bad?’ You don’t see BP coming down here cleaning off the birds.”
Afterward, the Saints drove back to New Orleans on the wind-powered team bus.
And finally, record industry heavyweight David Geffen on Wednesday expressed interest in purchasing the Clippers with the intent to land LeBron James. LeBron was of mixed emotions about the possible move. On the one hand, new ownership would force Donald Sterling out of L.A. On the other, signing with Geffen didn’t turn out so hot for Kurt Cobain.
Go easy on us, Rooney… Or don’t. I don’t care.