This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux-sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.
Shamed steroids offender Mark McGwire raised further eyebrows this week when he told Bob Costas, “I was given this gift by the man upstairs.” In Mac’s defense, he was referring to the drug dealer in his attic, not God.
On Thursday, Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas was charged with a single felony count of carrying a pistol without a license. He accepted a plea deal Friday. The Wizards, already 12-25, have now lost their best 3-point snipe…
The Wizards, already 12-25, must now play on without their premier long-range sharp-shoo…
The Wizards, now without the perpetually hobbled guard, will transition to a run and gu…
Also on Thursday, Texas Tech football dropped defensive coordinator Ruffin McNeill after the recent hiring of head coach Tommy Tuberville. As a result, The Red Raiders are not only breathing easier, they also have more energy, greater self-confidence and a higher metabolism.
Sticking with Big Dude News, old Pats buddy Romeo Crennel will join Charlie Weis as a coordinator with Kansas City (read about it here). In a preemptive strike, Gates Barbeque has taken out a restraining order on the entire Chiefs coaching staff.
Turning now to financial headlines, J.P. Morgan exceeded analysts’ fourth-quarter revenue forecasts. Alcoa, Majesco, Mora and Zorn all missed earnings.
In regional news, USF formally announced its replacement for disgraced head coach Jim Leavitt, electing to go with East Carolina hotshot Skip Holtz, or as Skip’s father likes to call him, “Garble Garble.”
The move surprised some Miami Hurricanes fans who expected offensive coordinator Mark Whipple to be the Bulls’ hire instead. Said ‘Canes quarterback Jacory Harris earlier in the week: “Good riddance. Don’t let the door hit ya’ where the good lord apparently encourages you to pull your plays from.”
Staying with college football, Tennessee scrambled to find a successor for Lane Kiffin, finally settling on Louisiana Tech coach Derek Dooley after Texas’ Will Muschamp, Duke’s David Cutcliffe, Air Force’s Troy Calhoun and IHOP’s pancake guy said no.
Two days after Martin Brodeur blanked the Rangers for his 107th career shutout, Martin’s distant cousin, Ottawa goalie Mike Brodeur, did the same, besting New York 2-0 in just his second career game. Nothing further to report. Just wanted to say, We see you, hockey. We see you.
On to baseball, oft-injured Phillies reliever Brad Lidge might miss time in April after having arthroscopic surgery on his right knee Wednesday. “We’re not sure if he’ll be ready by opening day, but we don’t expect that he’ll be too far behind,” team trainer Scott Sheridan told the Philadelphia Inquirer.
Of the pesky closer, Sheridan added, “The bus, I mean. We don’t expect that he’ll be too far behind the team bus. There’s no way in hell we’re keeping him.”
In his quest to adjust to the friendly confines of Citi Field, recent Mets acquisition Jason Bay has begun taking batting practice in the Grand Canyon.
Capping a bizarre week in the NFL, Colts wide receiver Reggie Wayne told Indianapolis media Thursday that Baltimore safety Ed Reed killed his pet snake when the two were roommates coming into the league. Let me get this straight: Reggie Wayne left his pet snake with a ballhawk?
As Wes Welker, Michael Redd, Blake Griffin and Carlos Beltran started adjusting to life apart from sports, Dr. James Andrews started adjusting to DOLLA DOLLA BILLS Y’ALL!
We’re short on time. I need a buzzer-beater. It’s been real.