It’s Saturday, 5:48 East Coast Time, it’s wet outside, and Saints-Cards started an hour ago. DVR, you’re earning your money. Kenny Albert, kick us off.
Kenny Albert: “It’s the Saints and Cardinals from New Orleans. The opening kickoff is next.”
Kind of lame. Try that again, Kenny, this time as a hedonist rock star.
Kenny Albert as Bon Scott of AC/DC: (*growling*) “I said, let there be Brees… And there was Brees. Let there be Bush… And there was Bush. Let there be Rolle… And there was Rolle. Let there be Warner… and there was War-nerrr! Let there be JOOOOOOOOCKKSSS!!!!!!”
Better. Let’s do this.
14:50: Cards back Tim Hightower – Tim freaking Hightower – takes it 70 yards to the house on the very first play from scrimmage. The ghost of Ray Rice just descended upon the Super Dome. Not again. 7-0, Cards, as color man Daryl Johnston explains that the running backs could be a factor today… They call him “Moose” for a reason.
13:13: Brees to Jeremy Shockey for 5 yards on a third and 2. First down, Saints. Marcellus Wiley called out Shockey this morning on SportsCenter, saying he had to “go out there and do [his] best impression of Jermichael Finley.” Ouch. Wiley stepped on all kinds of toes in Bristol Saturday, telling Chris Mortenson he should do his best impression of Adam Schefter, Steve Young he should be more like Trent Dilfer, and Hannah Storm she should “pull a Brunson.”
13:13: Arizona safety Antrel Rolle makes the hit on Shockey. More ‘Cane on ‘Cane violence. It’s an epidemic.
10:25: Brees to Shockey again for 13 and a first down at the Cards 3. Shockey’s pounding his helmet, flailing his arms, and giving himself another tattoo. He looks like he just broke out of the French Quarter Insane Asylum. Saints score two plays later. 7-7.
7:02: Brees to Shockey for 17 yards. Touchdown. I’m sensing a theme. And it’s a good thing, because I came into this thinking, “How do I work more Hurricanes into my writing?” 14-7, Saints.
2:31: We have a Reggie Bush sighting. Bush cuts left, gets nailed, spins around and darts back up the middle. He’s gone – 46 yards to the house. That was easily the most spectacular run Reggie’s made since Fresno State. I’m watching it again, this time in slow-mo so I don’t have to hear analyst Tony Siragusa. This should be TiVo’s new marketing angle. 21-7, Saints.
:11: Brees dunks to Pierre Thomas for a nothing gain. The unexplored Super Bowl wrinkle: If the Colts and Saints meet in Miami, you’ll have two Pierres in the same game. I mean, that’s gotta be a first, right? The Pierre-Pierre showdown practically sells itself. “Garcon! Thomas! It’s the French Connection on CBS!”
9:40: Cardinals are back. Beanie Wells walks in from the 4. 21-14, Saints. The camera pans to a Cards fan right behind the end zone, and it dawns on me that Arizona is on the road. I saw a spattering of red and a bunch of Saints fans and just assumed, hey, it’s football in Phoenix.
9:30: Siragusa: “Shockey’s not even at 50 percent right now, but he’s giving it everything he’s got.” I would have gone with 58 percent.
6:48: The Cardinals secondary bites on the flea flicker. Brees connects with Devery Henderson for a 47-yard touchdown. 28-14, Saints. Antrel Rolle might’ve made a difference on that play, but he’s sidelined with concussive symptoms. Or as Al Michaels would say, “Out with a head.”
6:44: Johnston during a recap montage: “Shockey’s not 100 percent. He’s probably not 80 percent.” I’m sticking with 58.
5:48: Saints defender Bobby McCray lights up Warner on a crack block after D-end Will Smith picks off his pass. Warner’s still lying on the ground seeing a star on every third birdie. It’s yet to dawn on Fox’s crack crew that this could be the last we ever see of Warner. Sad. Fitting, but sad.
2:00: Saints march deep into Cards territory, but the refs call back a Mike Bell touchdown run. Holding. Damnit, I had the, “BELL! DING-DONG!” all queued up. New Orleans scores 50 seconds later. 35-14.
1:10: A Fox graphic tells us that New Orleans has already set a playoff record for points. Now that’s just not fair to the Cardinals defense. The Saints scored way more than this during their ‘06 streetball tourney with the Hornets.
13:33: A hypothetical: Reggie Bush runs forward. Mr. Kardashian does the jitterbug after catching a 5-yard out. This guy would be great on “Dancing with the Stars.”
12:47: A woozy Warner reenters the game after Ken Whisenhunt realizes that Matt Leinart sucks. I thought the Heisman Jinx only applies to the week after the ceremony… Said sideline “reporter” Tony Siragusa, who totally missed the If-Warner-Doesn’t-Return-We’re-Witnessing-The-End-Of-A-Hall-Of-Fame-Career angle, “Vindication, Hilson! VINDICATION!”
6:42: Kim Kardashian embraces Momma Kardashian in the owner’s box. This can only mean one thing: TD, Bush. He scores on the third longest punt return in NFL history. Said Reggie after the score, “Vindication, Hilson! VINDICATION!” 45-14, Saints.
6:42: Siragusa: “That play right there just took the wind out of Arizona.” Totally agree, Goose. At 38-14, the mast was on fire, the crew had jumped ship, the violinist was playing “Nearer My God to Thee.” But yeah, I mean, I guess they still had the wind.
About 2:00, not really paying attention: Tim Hightower just fumbled a pitch in the red zone. That’s neither here nor there. What I really want to know is, what if Hightower and Larry Fitzgerald combined forces to form one really big dreadlock? Just one huge, super long dread? Just like a freaking massive dread? 45-14, Saints.
(*awakens from nap/Goose-induced coma*)
5:15: Still thinking about Hightower-Fitzgerald synergies. I say the Card’s advertising department is asleep at the wheel. Why haven’t we seen “Dreaded Duo” billboards?
4:12: I’m holding out for a miracle finish, but it’s not looking good. Nevermind that it’s a 31-point game with four minutes left. Nevermind that Matt “College Memories” Leinart is back on the field. The real tipoff is that The Pops just sent me a text. I’m not gonna look, but we all know that is the DVR kiss of death.
Two-Minute Warning: We entered the TV Booth Danger Zone a long time ago. It’s pretty clear to all that there’s nothing left to say about this game and yet… Goose is still talking. I’ve heard things that I can’t repeat here. Until tomorrow.