Today is Thursday, Jan 21, 2010, which only means one thing in the larger spectrum of American society. Tonight is the season finale of “Jersey Shore,” a reality that show that has, for better or worse (okay, definitely worse), taken the nation by storm over the last two months.
To commemorate this historical day in “so-bad-that-it’s-good” television, I have decided to analyze each character on the Jersey Shore in a way that is, ofcourse, completely sports-related. I will be comparing each cast member to a sports team. Much like a Seaside Heights boardwalk brawl, there are no rules or regulations here. Teams from every sport, college or professional, are eligible for an eternally embarrassing connection to one of the most famous guidos or guidettes in the world.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino: To me, this is the easiest comparison. This is the comparison that caused my interest in writing this entirely unnecessary post. The Situation IS the New York Mets, and there really isn’t another option that I can even consider for him. Like the Mets, The Situation began his season as a budding star. After watching the show’s two hour debut, there was little doubt as to who the main focus of this show would be. The rest of the characters seemed to just simply revolve around the man who Bill Simmons said looks like a “low budget Derek Jeter.” Time and time again, the Mets start their seasons with tremendous promise. This year they added K-Rod! This is the year Jose Reyes lives up to his potential! This is the year the Mets win it al…WRONG.
Like The Situation the Mets always notoriously find a way to turn their surplus of talent and possibilities into a late season collapse. While The Situation began the season as the show’s headliner, his role has seemed to tire as the season has worn on. Now, this is not to say that he is no longer the show’s most recognizeable cast member. Ten years from now, The Situation will probably still be living off of his 2009 summer, doing some ridiculous spin-off reality show on MTV or VH-1. Everybody always talks about the Mets as well. However, as the season comes to a close, Ronnie has, in my mind, taken over as the show’s lead male character. Fights speak louder than words.
Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola: Yes, Sammi Sweetheart once played Division III college soccer. See America, you do learn something new every day. Sammi’s sports team companion is based off of one single principle. They are both complete oxymorons. Much like how jazz is a completely foreign entity in Utah, being a “sweetheart” is not anything close to the traits that Sammi typically displays. Sweethearts do not instigate their boyfriends into a fight, only to complain about them getting into that fight later. Sammi may be billed as the “best girl in Seaside,” but that is similar to saying that you have found the best party at BYU.
Vinny Guadagnino: Vinny is the unwanted step child of the casting call for this. Every now and then, a show accidentally brings in someone who ends up bringing nothing to the table. With the exception of a strange battle with pink eye and a brief fling with The Situation’s visiting sister, Vinny has been an irrelevant bystander. That is why I associate him with what is, in my opinion, the most irrelevant franchise in sports. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only, Charlotte Bobcats.
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi: Most likely the show’s most memorable female character – excuse me, guidette – Snooki will remain well-known for one specific attribute, the ability to get the living hell beat out of her on camera. She certainly seems to react to these situations with gloom, but she also seems to embrace the notoriety that it gives her. There are plenty of low budget college football programs that I could use here, but I’m going to keep it in-state and go with the Florida International Panthers. FIU will go anywhere and take a beating from anyone if it means a paycheck is promised. Road games at Alabama, Florida, Penn State, USF, Iowa? Sure, why not. The Panthers need money and they are willing to humiliate themselves in front of major football audiences everywhere to get that money. Keep it up Snickers! You’re one more haymaker away from your very own reality show!
Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio: In a land of stereotypes, Pauly D is the stereotype to end all stereotypes. Pauly D is the Cougars. The Cougars, you ask? Yes, I am referring to the Cougars from the 2003 ESPN series “Playmakers,” and no it doesn’t matter that they’re not a real team. In fact, Pauly D barely appears to be a real person. The Cougars had every stereotypical facet that a football team can possibly offer: steroids, drugs, sex, partying, domestic abuse, etc. Pauly D has every stereotype that you can possibly latch onto a Jersey Shore cast member: random tattoos, extreme blowout haircut, fake tan, the fact that he is 28 years old with no apparent direction in life.
Jenni “JWoww” Farley: Snooki’s source of “personal advice,” and the seemingly trashiest member of a group that isn’t exactly high class, JWoww (with three W’s so that you don’t confuse her with the other JWows in your life) is the New York Majesty. Yes, the New York Majesty of the Lingerie Football League. This comparison might end up being the best of all. I’m sure a contract offer will be on the table for JWoww next season.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro: It took serious dedicaion for me to not break away from the team concept and use a professional wrestler here. That is because I honestly think that Ronnie deserves a wrestling and/or MMA contract after this show concludes. Just imagine the pro wrestler you could make if you took The Situation’s charisma and threw it into Ronnie’s physique. Moving on.
Ronnie is the Detroit Pistons, and yes I mean the real Pistons, the Bad Boys. He has made a late season run as the Shore’s most notable character because of his habit of getting into fights and destroying anyone who talks trash to try and catch the attention of MTV cameras. He has probably had one of the better summers in comparison to his roommates, but his legacy will be his fights. Rodman and Thomas can be proud.
Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick: When I began writing this, I had honestly forgotten that Angelina was ever on the show. Then I remembered my favorite line from this season and I immediately became disappointed in myself.
“I’m a bartender. I do great things.”
Angelina’s explanation of why she was above working at a t-shirt shop is the only memory that most will have of her. Her refusal to work at the store got her kicked off the show in just the third episode. Therefore, she never developed enough to earn the depth that being compared to a full team requires.
Angelina is Stephon Marbury.