Alcoholics and Diverticulitis: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two seperate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.

On Thursday, it was announced that Detroit Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera has been in rehab for alcohol abuse for the last three months. Cabrera was diagnosed as needing rehab after an Oct. 3 domestic abuse complaint from his wife made national news. The slugger has spent his offseason in an outpatient treatment program for alcoholism, or as John Daly calls it, the gynecologist office.

The first season of Jersey Shore came to an end on Thursday night, sparking a mixture of emotions across the country. University of Cincinnati defensive lineman Dan Giordano is said to have had one of the more extreme reactions to the show’s conclusion. Giordano supposedly did a cycle of steroids, drank a pitcher of Ron Ron Juice and ran outside to rip his shirt off and scream/cry to the heavens to cope with the loss of the first show that ever hit close to home for him. Keep your head up Dan, I’m sure the next casting call is soon to come.

Guido.

UFC heavyweight Brock Lesnar, known in some circles as “El Grizzly Bear,” spoke to the media on Wednesday for the first time since a mystery illness began to heavily affect his life and fighting career in October. Lesnar spoke about having diverticulitis, a whole in his stomach, that most doctors said could only be cured by a surgery that would be career-ending and life-changing. Lesnar held out on the surgery, and somehow, on Jan. 5, after an arduous process that had seen Lesnar lose 40 pounds, he was given clean report on his health. Lesnar is scheduled to make his return to the octagon this summer. His return is being described as the biggest comeback since Chris Andersen returned to the NBA from the first known crystal meth suspension, and Ray Lewis never missed a down after killing a man.

And this week’s award for sore winner goes to:

Cheer up Andy, you’re undefeated in 2010. Yes, I know that’s a joke. Stop yelling at me. Man, I’d hate to see him after a loss. Oh wait, I’ve seen that plenty of times.

In case you don’t own a television or decided to boycott all forms of media this week, Tiger Woods has checked into sex rehab. Yes, because the best way to handle a gang of crazy sex addicts is to lock them all up together in a building in Nowhere, Mississippi. Tiger’s focus group is said to consist of Christi Cream, Alexis Texas and Air Force Amy.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

Have a boisterous weekend.

-Bryan

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Alcoholics and Diverticulitis: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

  1. ldh

    come on bryan
    don’t pick on chris

  2. Pingback: “Scott Brown” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

  3. Pingback: “Obama State of the Union Address” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

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