This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux-sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.
I haven’t done laundry in three weeks, haven’t shaved in four. My closet smells like Vinny’s room after the infamous Pickle Juice Incident. Some of my best friends hate me and I have Post-It notes on my refrigerator that say things like “Snooki=Rudy T, Leno=Shaq.”
Which means it’s time for Week in Review. Let’s do this.
It’s been a rough past seven days for the folks over at NBC Universal. While Conan O’Brien was busy spending every last penny of his limitless budget sticking it to the suits in Rockefeller Plaza, the talking heads over at MSNBC officially entered meltdown mode after centerfold model/all-around regular guy Scott Brown (R-MA) shocked heavy favorite Martha Coakley (D-MA) to steal the still-warm Senate seat of late lion Ted Kennedy.
While giddy pundits at Fox News battled each other for fresh oxygen, the flummoxed casts of “Hardball” and “Countdown” turned against their own in a bitter display of public infighting not seen on live TV since T.O. was in his prime.
Of course, if you’ve turned on a cable news channel in the last two weeks, you know that this story has the legs of a young Ralph Sampson. The Republican victory means that the Democrats have lost their filibuster-proof majority – which was crucial in passing all of the sweeping social reforms of the last twelve months…
The Donkeys had a particularly devastating week: the Democrat Coakley upset in New England, the jackass Rivers upset in San Diego.
For the former, it’s hard to know where exactly she went so horribly wrong.
Analyst point out Coakley’s disinterest for campaigning, her failure to get out the vote, and her inability to utilize the big city machine. Still, Coakley was such a heavy favorite, you’d think that something else must have been in play.
I’d suggest that she also offended Cowboy nation by drawing misguided comparisons to former Gailey-Era great Dexter Coakley, but this rationale doesn’t hold water for two reasons.
1) You have to assume that Cowboys fans were already voting Republican and
2) If you’re from Dallas, moving to Massachusetts is likely spitting on Tom Landry’s Stetson fedora.
We’re equal opportunity offenders here at Sports Casualties, so I won’t harp on this much longer. But Coakley had the seat locked up, committed a “wicked rettodded blunda” in a crucial moment, and still had a shot on the final night. In other words, she’s the Bill Buckner of Boston politics and will hereto forth be called by her full name, Martha “F******” Coakley.
Outgrowing their britches overnight, Republicans jumped to frame the election as a referendum on President Obama, a revolt against big government, and the first ripple in a wave of discontent that would wash the GOP back into power.
On Thursday’s “Morning Rundown,” Chuck Todd pressed Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN) for insights into his possible Senate run to unseat incumbent Evan Bayh (D-IN).
Pence was quick to dispel rumors that he would leave his district and said that he was “not seeking anything out,” though Todd grew suspicious when he learned that Pence’s exploratory committee is chaired by Nick Saban.
In related news, the White House announced Friday that Jay Leno will host its annual Correspondents’ Association dinner in an attempt to get the nation’s most unlikeable figures together in one room.
Poor Conan. He is uncommonly gifted, freakishly tall. He’s making obscene amounts of money but stuck in a bad situation and no longer gives a crap. He’s forced to defer to an aging superstar who won’t relinquish alpha-dog status even though he’s overweight and passed his prime. Now he’s laid down an ultimatum, taking shots at ownership and planning his escape from L.A. In other words, he’s 2004 Kobe Bryant.
Speaking of Kobe, after King James singlehandedly trumped the defending champs in Cleveland Thursday night, I awoke with LeBron-MJ comparisons on my mind, and a nagging determination to settle the Air Apparent debate once and for all. Naturally, I turned to the experts to put into words thoughts that I simply could not convey.
Said paid analyst Jalen Rose on Friday morning’s SportsCenter…
“There may never be another Michael Jordan. Obviously! But [Lebron’s] the second coming. Get used to it.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Jalen.
Try as he might, Stephon Marbury can’t outrun his past. The disgraced Coney Island native is currently packing his belongings for a month-long run with the Shanxi Zhongyu Brave Dragons of the Chinese Basketball Association. Having hit a Great Wall five years ago, Marbury’s career is just now coming full circle.
Sticking with washed-up athletes, Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson is gone, but certainly not forgotten, as his “LT Slide Electric Glide” Nike commercials make the ESPN round-the-clock rounds.
Bryan likes the clip, but honestly, it just makes me sad – like watching Mays in a Mets uniform or Holyfield/Botha. I prefer to think of LT back in the glory days, back when he was coining a universal catchphrase for every ballsy male who’s ever had to answer to his wife for dropping $2200 on a whim at the local Best Buy: “I got me a Vizio.”
When ESPN wasn’t running “Electric Glide” commercials, it was busy irrevocably damaging its Tuesday afternoon programming by swapping “NFL Live” analyst Tim Hasselbeck with wife and “View” co-host Elisabeth.
No truth to the rumor that Jay Harris tried to kill himself before the 6 o’clock SportsCenter.
New Coke and Sony’s Beta-max cosponsored the network-spanning event and also footed the bill to fly Dick Vitale to San Antonio to call Wednesday’s Jazz-Spurs game.
Seriously, though, who the hell gave Jeff Zucker a say at ESPN?
In other news, the University of New Orleans announced its withdrawal from the Sun Belt Conference as part of a planned transition from Division I to Division III athletics. I get that the school’s had its fair share of difficulties, but D-I to D-III? What if Vijah Singh said, “Screw the PGA tour and screw the Champions Tour. I’m going straight to put-put”?
Segueing nicely into golf and the only golfer that matters, Tiger Woods checked himself into a sex rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Miss., over the past week. How fitting is that? A sex rehab clinic in Mississippi.
Here’s what I find absolutely riveting: he’s actually participating in group-therapy sessions.
Now imagine for one second that you’ve made the decision to check yourself into a sex rehab clinic in the middle of Podunk, Miss. You’re already a little skeptical about this whole “sex rehab” business – you’re wondering if it’s legit, you’re wondering if you even need it in the first place. So now you’ve trekked up to this facility in the middle of nowhere, you check in at the front desk, freshen up a little bit, wash your hands five times, finally get up the courage to walk down the hall to your first group meeting. And who should a-freaking-ppear but TIGER FREAKING WOODS.
To borrow a line from Chris Rock:“It’s Tiga-Tiga-Woods-y’all!”