10 Situations That Shook The World: A Jersey Shore Sendoff

 

L to R: Rudy T, Kermit Washington

This is part two in a two-part series comparing our favorite Seaside moments with the sports episodes that inspired them. If you’d like to read part one, click here. (Note: This was not the hits bonanza I was expecting… Give it 11 days.) For Bryan Holt’s algorithm-busting original post, creep over to this link. 

Shore Moment: During a memorable episode 8, the Snooki Monster stirs up more trouble at a nightclub when she starts acting a ho up in this joint. Long story short, some classy bar goers heckle Snooks for showing off her goods while in a drunken fog on the dance floor. A shout match ensues when the roommates come to the Snooks’ defense, and the warring factions eventually separate until… “ONE SHOT KID!” Ronnie runs back and clobberknocks a defenseless sucka in “self-defense.”

Memorable Quotes: “Damn, the kid’s sleepin’ right now.” ~ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

“Don’t call 911. I think that’s emergency.” ~ Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola

Sports Parallel: This was an easy one. Like Ron Ron after him, Vancouver Canucks enforcer Todd “Freckles McGee” Bertuzzi was a guy that never met a cheap shot he didn’t like to take. During the ’04 season, Colorado center Steve Moore (the Seaside sucka in this equation) injured Canucks captain and leading scorer Markus Naslund (the Snooki) by checking him head-first into the boards without penalty. The penalty, of course, came three weeks later in an Aves-Nucks rematch when Bertuzzi infamously sucker-punched Moore in the back of the head. Bertuzzi was temporarily tossed from the league for avenging his teammate. Ron Ron was temporarily tossed in jail. As for Moore, he ended up with a broken neck and severe facial cuts. The Seaside sucka did not fair as well.

Fast forward to 1:23 if you have a strong stomach

Shore Moment: Yo, we got a stage five clinga. In episode 8, while Ronnie is off clubbing innocent bystanders like baby seals, DJ Pauly D is fending for his life against, um, “an Israeli chick.” He seems interested enough on the boardwalk, but when she comes on too strong, DJ Pualy D can’t shake her advances. She calls. She calls. She calls some more. Vinny answers the phone pretending to be Mike. She keeps calling. She tries to talk Pauly into a trip to the Holy Land.

Memorable Quotes: “I think my crotch is sticking out.” ~ Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

…wait, that’s not the one…

“Yo, Pauly D has a little situation on his hands. She’s definitely a stage five clinger.” ~ Vinny Guadagnino

Sports Parallel: If we’re talking clingers, I would be remiss not to mention alpha-clinger/ former FSU ball coach Bobby Bowden. As with Pauly D and the S5C, Bowden and FSU were a good match for a while – 25 years in the case of the latter. Then came a decade of 7, 8 and 9-win seasons and rumblings from ‘Nole boosters that Bowden “stalks my whole life.” Both Bowden and Pauly’s S5C hung around too long, leading to highly unorthodox situations. Unfortunately, neither had the self-awareness or the wherewithal to call it quits. Each was eventually forced out, but not without giving lasting gifts. From Bowden, two national titles. From S5C, an “I Heart Jewish Girls” T.

DJ Pauly D’s Little Situation

Shore Moment: The grenade is back, and this time she brought a hippo. Mike had tried to make a good situation a few episodes earlier by passing off his girl’s grenade (guido lingo for… how do I put this delicately… “fun”-blocker) onto Pauly D, who in true wingman fashion, took a blow for Mike. In show 6, the grenade returns uninvited to the Seaside abode and this time brings a friend (whom Mike refers to alternately as “the hippo,” “the grenade launcher” and, simply, “fat”). Well The Situation is having none of this situation because he’s got girls on the deck. And since Pauly is unwilling to take the blast this time, Snooki – team player that she is – marches out back and tells the party crashers to leave. Bad move. All hell breaks lose when Snookers takes on both the hippo and the grenade. 

Memorable Quote: “There’s one huge grenade launcher, there’s one grenade, and then there’s one cutie.” ~ Mike

“Someone threw a drink and then, all of a sudden, it was like World War II or somethin’.” ~ Pauly “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio

“I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple linebackers. I necessarily didn’t want to bring home any sort of zoo creatures what-so-ever. I mean, these broads just probably smelled the food at the house.” ~ Mike

Sports Parallel: Many an NBA fight have come close to replicating the Snookers-Hippos melee, but only one matches it punch for punch: the Malice in the Palace. Like with Mike and the girls, the Pacers and Pistons had a contentious previous meeting when the teams met in the ’03 Conference Finals. The following year tempers flared at the tail end of a lopsided Pacers victory in Detroit. A shoving match between the Pistons’ Ben Wallace and Pacers’ Ron Artest (The Situtation in this situation) gave way to a full-throated brawl when some dude in the stands (read: the hippo) chucked a Diet Coke on Ron while he was chilling on the scorer’s table. Artest charged into the crowd, but mostly had Stephen Jackson and Jermaine O’Neal (the Snookis) do his dirty work for him. Both teammates clocked a couple of unassuming fans for their friend and took a few punches as well. Fortunately for Stephen and Jermaine, they were not still healing from a Tysonesque right from a drunk guy at a bar, nor did they take to Artest with a squeaking inflatable hammer after the incident.

Fast forward to 2:25 for proof that God hates Pistons fans

Shore Moment: The punch. In perhaps the defining moment of MTV’s illustrious reality programming, some “typical college fraternity-type loser” steals a couple rounds of booze from our guidos, gets in an argument with said guidos, and proceeds to land a vicious hook that would have felled Michael Spinks.

Memorable Quotes: “Please don’t tell me I have missing teeth.” ~ Snooki

“F*** my life.” ~ Snooki

“I tried to eat but I couldn’t get it in my freakin’ mouth ‘cause I’m disabled.” ~ Snooki, of the post-haymaker lobster dinner

Sports Parallel: Sticking with Snooky and legendary NBA fights, I’ll equate this one to the right hand that shook The Association, irrevocably altered the paths of two lives, and damn near killed a man. That man would be Rudy Tomjonavich. During a Dec. ‘77 game, an on-court brawl broke out between the Rockets (the roommates) and Lakers (the typical college fraternity-type losers). Houston forward Rudy T sprinted toward L.A.’s Kermit Washington to help diffuse heated players, only Kermit wasn’t aware of such intent. He caught Rudy T’s skull with a roundhouse right in one of sports all-time “oh no he didn’ts!” Rudy’s face broke in a million places and his career was never the same. He said afterward that he thought a scoreboard had fallen on him. As for poor Snookers, her overly tanned, munchkin head puffed into a giant tangerine with black poof. You can’t find either punch on YouTube, probably for the best.

Oh. I lied.

Shore Moment: For the first 30 minutes of “Jersey Shore” programming (read: unparalleled TV greatness), it looked as if our two favorite aliens from planet Capicolasalami would spend the rest of eternity together. Or at least catch the same cab home. Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola found herself caught up in indescribable situation in the first throes of the season premier. The alcohol was flowin’, the house music was pumpin’, and The Situation was creepin’. Sammi and Mike hooked up at a Seaside club that magical night, but Sweetheart soon lost interest and followed her rhinestoned heart… which happened to be just one roomie down the hall. Mike knew at this point that it was time to crank up the protein diet.

Memorable Quotes: “I mean, this situation is going to be indescribable. You can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.” ~ Mike

“You just take your shirt off and they come to you. It’s like flies to (bleep).” ~ Ronnie Ortiz-Magro

“You only learn, you grow, you move on. You have to push through every situation that you’re in.” ~ Sammi     

“Yeah. We smushed.” ~ Ronnie, on his relationship with Sammie

Sports Parallel: I almost went all Baron Davis, Elton Brand on you – two egomaniacs fall briefly for each other, only for one to bail for more firepower (Brand to a playoffs-bound, “One and Done” Philadephia; Sammi to a jail-bound, “One Shot” Ronnie). But no. The correct answer was directing its toothless, Tennessee grin right at me. Mike got “Kiffined.” Sammi came cross-country – well, from Haslet, NJ – to revive a sad situation. For a short time, it looked as if this young, loudmouth had found her perfect match. Sammi then absconded from Mike in the middle of the night, leaving the once-proud Situation to wonder what went so wrong. The biggest similarity between Mike and Vols fans? Both were in for multiple rejections.

The Class of Knoxville

Shore Moment: Just when you thought the Princess from Poughkeepsie was going a full season without snagging her Prince Charming, Snooki went a full season without snagging her Prince Charming. Hey, but she hooked up with Mike. And in a disease-invested Jacuzzi no less. After a night of hard drinking and bad decisions, Snooks and Situation made the worst decision they could possibly hope to make. This was an awkward moment to say the least. Not because we knew that Mike was taking advantage of the situation. Not because of the Snickers Candy allusions. Not because Mike had compared Snooki to his little sister in the same episode… Actually, for all of those reasons.

Memorable Quotes: “I ran the house. I did whatever I wanted. I took whatever I wanted, and it was my world.” ~ Mike

Sports Parallel: Just when you thought elite two-guard Mitch Richmond was going a full career without snagging his championship ring… He landed on the ’02 Lakers in a 12th man, feel-good role. Like Mike with the Snookers, L.A. GM Mitch Kupchak brought Richmond in partly out of pity, and partly because he was cheap and available. Ultimately both Mitch and Snook went out on top: Richmond dribbled out the last seconds of the Lakers three-peat; Snooki made out topless in a trucker’s hat.

Hungry? Why Wait?

Snooki Bonus Moment: After getting down like Mark Madsen on the boardwalk in front of horrified spectators, the Snooks took her charm and wit offensive to another charming wit – namely, Jay Leno. Snooks told the chinned talk show host that she would like to change the world by installing a tanning bed in every home. Well this did not sit well with one Marybeth Hicks. The author of parenting books, Hicks told US Magazine, “It’s disconcerting that [Snooki Monster] could have any sort of influence or be a role model… or advocate something like tanning beds that cause cancer.”

Memorable Quotes: “(*orange glow*)” ~ Snooki

Sports Parallel: “I am not a role model.” Ah, of course. I quote from the legendary Charles Barkley Nike commercial – the one that transformed Sir Charles from an admired athlete who spit on fans… to an admired athlete who “chucked” drunk people threw windows, but at least shirked responsibility to our young people afterward. I, for one, am of a different mindset than Ms. Hicks. The America in which Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Charles “Round Mound” Barkley can become standard bearers for our nations’ youth is just the free and equal America that I want to live in.

~ Robbie

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  1. Pingback: “Bryan Holt” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

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