2 Live Crew and Bill O’Reilly: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two seperate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.

It was quite the record-breaking week for the Los Angeles Lakers. Hollywood’s team managed to dominate Sportscenter coverage like the precoscious starlets that they are. Kobe Bryant became the all-time leading scorer in Lakers history, Phil Jackson became the winningest coach in the history of the Lakers and Lamar Odom remained the most shameless player in Lakers history for continuing his reality show-hungry marriage with (Fill in the Blank) Kardashian. Is it just me, or did Jackson look like he was in a Willie Nelson/Hunter S. Thompson haze during his postgame interview on Wednesday night? Maybe it’s just the Zen.

As noted in a wildly popular rant by co-author Robbie Hilson on Wednesday, the Miami Hurricanes had one of the most disappointing signing classes in the nation this year. The Hurricanes seem to have successfully targeted and stolen all of cross-town rival FIU’s favorite two-star recruits. I guess 2 Live Crew just aren’t the recruiting plug that they used to be.

Phil Mickelson has put away his controversial wedge without any further consequences. Mickelson’s brief dust-up with the PGA, and his whiney nature towards it got me thinking of the perfect marketing opportunity in the strangely new PGA. Mickelson is already known amongst his colleagues as an unlikeable figure. Numerous player surveys have consistently listed Mickelson as the most disliked golfer in the PGA clubhouse. So my suggestion is this: why not give Mickelson the golf equivalent of a wrestling heel turn? If Mickelson is such a jerk behind the scenes, I want to see him become one at tournaments as well.

I want him cussing at fans, pushing cameras and whining to the PGA on a weekly basis. Reports have said that other golfers call Mickelson FIG JAM, a clever abbreviation for F*** I’m Good, Just Ask Me. Well, with Colin Montgomerie pretty well washed-up and Sergio Garcia’s pesky reputation faded, let’s make Mickelson the tour’s bad guy to add even more texture to the new Tiger atmosphere.

The sly grin of a natural-born villain.

Brett Favre’s agent Bus Cook has been sending around pictures of Favre’s bruised and beaten body to various media sources.  ESPN’s John Clayton is said to have misinterpreted the photos and has them blown-up hanging over his bed.

In the wide world of college coaches trying to match Lane Kiffin’s jackassness, Gators defensive corrdinator George Edwards quit on Thursday after less than a month on the job to take the defensive coordinator position with the Buffalo Bills. Have fun shoveling snow, listening to T.O. and inevitably moving to Toronto, George.

West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins was forced to grab a microphone and threaten his student section to stop with their excessive behavior that included profanity-laden chants and the throwing of numerous objects onto the court. The threats of course did nothing as a Pittsburgh assistant coach was hit just below the eye by a flying bullet disguised as a quarter later in the night. [Insert inbred one-liner here]

In cable television, “The O’Reilly Factor” hit a ratings bonanza when host Bill O’Reilly had “Daily Show” host John Stewart on for part one of a two-part interview on Wednesday night. The show drew 4.1 million viewers as people were glued to the continuation of the occasional awkward stand-off. Stewart got to get across his snarky commentary on the network that he targets the most while O’Reilly got the privilege of applying the Tombstone piledriver to his own arch-rival, left-wing commentator/occasional sports anchor/occasional lunatic Keith Olbermann (who broadcasted to about 990,000 viewers on Wednesday).

Consider everything that I do from here on out nothing more than a desperate effort to draw the attention of the Ochocinco News Network. I want a job with this revolutionary outlet more than Stuart Scott wants to be accepted by youth culture. As a fan of most things Ocho, I am fascinated by this, and want to see it taken to the next level. I want a Web site with podcasts and daily programming. I want newscasts that end with “kiss the baby.” And I want some of those awesome hats and polos. Make it happen Esteban.

Finally, a random anecdote to drift off with. The No.1 bus that takes me from my apartment to the University of Florida campus is full of characters. Some interesting, some obnoxious, some terrifying. One man has stood out to me more than any other. He appears to be homeless. He has long, straggly grey hair, few teeth and you can typically smell him from opposite sides of the bus. However, what makes this man noteworthy is his curious ability to spew sports statistics. From the time this man steps on the bus to the time that I gladly get off, he recites numbers, names and teams over and over again to whoever will listen, or not tell him to shut the hell up.

He carries no trace of a newspaper and has no interest in any real conversation. He simply wants to tell you how many yards Drew Brees has thrown for this season, how many games the Lions have played since their last playoff appearance and the quarterback rating of every signal caller that you knew ever existed. I have literally checked his stats on my iPhone expecting that he just makes things up as he goes along. Wrong, everything that I have ever checked has been absolutely accurate. Most call him a nuissance. I’m beginning to call him Gainesville’s Rain Man. To the sports book we go.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

Jerk, Jerk, Jerk, Jerk

In honor of Kobe’s achievement, I present to you the man with the highest point total ever with one team…this here Karl Malone.

What to Watch on Television this Weekend

Because although we live in a country where we are free to watch whatever we want, deep down inside we still want people to tell us what to watch.

NASCAR Budweiser Shootout – Saturday, 8 P.M. – FOX

The unofficial start of NASCAR comes this Saturday night, and if you’re like me then you’re more than ready for it. It may be wise for regular readers to keep up with with the 2010 NASCAR season, or they will risk staring incoherently at about one of my posts per week.

Tennessee vs. Kentucky – Saturday, 9 P.M. – ESPN

A game that looks very exciting on paper. How will John Wall respond to the Tennessee defense? Pearl-Calipari could be a great budding rivalry in the SEC East.

Super Bowl – Sunday, 6:30 P.M. – CBS

No need for an explanation here. Watch the Super Bowl because if you don’t, you’re a smelly communist. And yes, I’m bringing back Red Scare.

Have a disorderly weekend.

-Bryan

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One response to “2 Live Crew and Bill O’Reilly: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

  1. Pingback: “Bryan Holt” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

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