“Bryan Holt” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

 

Shot from the window of Sports Casualties HQ

This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux-sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.

It is of little coincidence that, like my cohort, I too have a bus route anecdote to relay from this past week. “Great minds…” as Mr. Holt might say, “think in terms of public transportation.”

I’m on the 127 Sorority Row on Tuesday, and I overhear a conversation between two Ugg-booted beauties about how their “creeper” boyfriends had put them in a bad “situation” the night before.

This piqued my curiosity, no doubt. So I turn over my shoulder and ask them if they watch MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” No, they don’t… Which then only leaves one possibility.

They read the blog.

As you may or may not know, this has been an eventful week for Sports Casualties. Bryan, with a memorable “Shore” post, hit a snag in global search engines that briefly threatened to tear apart the very fabric of the universe, but instead just got us more hits than Irish Micky Ward.

He was Internet Famous by Tuesday. Our  Facebook page hit 150 fans by Wednesday. We successfully renamed an NBA superstar on Thursday. And somebody asked me to sign their boobs just this morning.

It was Phil Mickelson, but still.

I awoke to emails in my inbox with the header “Casualty Worthy.” This is true.

Juice Hellmanns, everybody!

So it is with both pride and appreciation to you, the loyal reader, that I submit a humbled, yet insufferably self-referential Week in Review, Redux. Enjoy. And keep reading.

_____

Over this past weekend, loudmouth and world’s best 187th-ranked golfer Scott McCarron called out world No. 2 Mickelson for playing an old Ping wedge that generates extra spin with now-banned U-shaped grooves.

Ironically, McCarron also called out the world No. 1 for playing a Uchitel and then spinning it in the media.

Mickelson continued to use the Ping Eye-2 during last week’s San Diego Open, citing a legal technicality that allowed him to skirt the rules.

This raised a big stink for the PGA Tour, but I, for one, am not sure why. One of the greatest golfers in the world is a cheater. You were surprised?

While tennis legend Roger Federer celebrated his fourth Aussie Open title by sipping champagne ‘till the wee hours of Monday morning, tennis legend Serena Williams celebrated her fifth Aussie Open title by not threatening to kill the line judge.

Turning now to mixed martial arts, 47-year-old Herschel Walker of Heisman Trophy fame looked to be in late-‘80s game shape when he beat the holy hell out of Strikeforce newcomer Greg Nagy on Saturday night. (In fairness to Nagy, he stepped into the ring against two different guys.)

Walker made his MMA debut by impressively stopping Nagy in round three. Though longtime Herschel fan Bill Bates was not in attendance, Jets coach Rex Ryan made his presence felt in the Sunset, Fla. arena by shooting the bird to drunken Dolphins fans.

Ryan offended some, but others said this was the most heroic instance of giving the finger before a big game since ’85 Ronnie Lott.

"We're going for it! LET'S GO!"

Apparently still riding high from his draw decision with Partridge Family bad boy Danny Bonaduce, media parasite Jose Canseco tweeted Monday that he would like to be Herschel’s next opponent in the octagon.

Walker responded by saying, “This is not a joke. I will hurt him.”

If you, like me, get shooting chills just from reading this quote, imagine how great it will be when Junior flashes the Ali-over-Liston pose after pulverizing one of the clowns responsible for destroying baseball. As far as I’m concerned, this puts the “ultimate” in ultimate fighting.

From Top to Bottom: Walker, Canseco

(For eery Ali resemblance/ proof that Herschel is the finest athlete of his generation, click here)

When SC favorite LeBron James made a circus block on Juice Hellmanns Tuesday, NBA TV’s Chris Webber cemented his studio analyst legend by unleashing one of the great highlight calls you will ever hear:

“NO! YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!”

We forgive you for the timeout, C-Webb.

Sticking with basketball, Portland guard Andre Miller scored a career high 52 points in Dallas Saturday in a game that some are comparing to the rise of Lazarus.

As the entire National Football League moved to South Beach for round-the-clock Super Bowl coverage, one former Giants star was forced to stay behind.

An incarcerated Plaxico Burress spoke with CBS’s Bill Cowher this week for an interview that will air on Sunday.

While Plax dodged flying loogies, the Super Bowl champion receiver told Cowher and his spittle that he will once again play in the NFL, citing his workout regimen as evidence of his determination.

Burress said he works out four times a week, adding, “It’s not LA Fitness or Bally’s, but I do push-ups, sit-ups. I make do.”

This must have coaches drooling, because to me, nothing says commitment like push-ups and crunches every other day when you have absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Burress on the way to the gym

In other Super Bowl news, the Colts whipped ESPN’s talking heads into a considerable frenzy by announcing that defensive end Dwight Freeney is questionable for the big game with a severe ankle sprain.

Doctors by day, Mark Schlereth and Marcellus Wiley recklessly speculated on the extent of Freeney’s injury even though ESPN has in-house people to comment on medical prognoses.

They’re called schefters.  

In college football news, the Texas Longhorns notched Rivals’ No. 3 recruiting class by signing highly touted linemen Jackson Jeffcoat and Taylor Bible.

Head coach Mack Brown was pleased at this development, noting that he expects immediate contributions from a kid who’s father was a monster in “Tecmo Super Bowl” and, of course, from God.

Other Signing Day victors include Tennessee wideout Da’Rick Rogers who was a winner the day his parents signed the birth certificate.

Da'Rick is open for business

In a seven day span in which Sandra Bullock was nominated for an Oscar and the USF Bulls made a push for the NCAA Tournament, the most startling story by far comes from automaker Toyota, which is in the process of recalling thousands of cars with jamming gas pedals.

You can imagine my confusion when the story broke. I heard about broken down Japanese imports that can’t get out of jams and just assumed we were talking about the Red Sox pitching staff.

Snowboarding phenom Shaun White won another gold at X-Games SuperPipe over the weekend.

Let me ask you something: If White gets caught with a bong like Michael Phelps and then freaks out and dyes his hair green, can we start calling him The Fried Green Tomato?

Speaking of cannabis, or “Cabanas” rather, SportsCenter displayed this headline during its 2 p.m. Tuesday hour:

“Paraguay F Salvador Canabas’ father says he will play in World Cup after being shot in the head last month.”

Wow. That’s all I can say is, wow.

I don’t know what’s more surprising – that Salvador is going to recover from a gunshot to the head, or that his father is going to play for the Paraguay World Cup team.

My time is running out. I need a buzzer beater. I go in peace.

– Robbie

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1 Comment

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One response to ““Bryan Holt” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux

  1. bholt11

    A subtle nod to Bill “Master” Bates, the heart and soul of the 1995 Cowboys.

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