Danny Ferry has heeded my cries. Jamison to the Cavs. Lindsey Vonn picks up her first Olympic gold medal. Lindsey is way hot. Now let’s talk “Lost.”
As always, we start off this episode with a season recap. So let me get this off my chest: if you detonate an A-bomb from two feet away, you’re not going to live to give the emotional death-in-the-arms-of-a-loved-one monologue. You’re just not. You’re going to be splattered all over the island. I’m looking at you, Juliet.
Let’s do this.
We’re back in the post-plane landing timeline. While John Locke tries to get out of his van in a wheelchair, he inadvertently chucks himself onto the front lawn. The sprinklers go off and all I can think to myself is, “Geeze, this poor guy looks more immobile than Kevin Garnett.” Funny thing – On Locke’s ABC player page, he’s listed as, “John Locke: one less working leg than KG.” Short and to the point. A little offensive to the handicapped and Celtics fans, but I can appreciate it.
Sprinting out of the house to Locke’s rescue is none other than Katey Sagal, otherwise known as the Larry Brown of primetime TV. Off the top of my head… Sagal’s had starring roles in “Married with Children,” “8 Simple Rules,” “Futurama,” and is currently working “Sons of Anarchy.”
Kind of a network whore, wouldn’t you say? Don’t tell this to Locke – he’s apparently engaged to her. We’ll call Ms. Locke “Helen,” because that’s her name, and she wants Locke to check up with the spinal surgeon he met in the airport i.e. Jack.
Flash to Locke as the Smoke Monster scouring the island in a different time dimension. It’s a good time to admit that, much like the NBA’s trade exceptions, I follow “Lost” closely and still don’t understand it at all.
Locke/Smoke Monster cuts down Richard from a boobie (Gibson) trap in the middle of the jungle. He says, “Time to talk.” And we get the spinning LOST intro, which not so long ago used to be absolutely riveting. I’m afraid to say: this show’s gone downhill faster than Ryan Leaf’s pro career.
Back to post-landing Locke. He wheels into the office and his boss calls him out for taking a personal trip to Australia on the company dime. As Scott Van Pelt’s Ego would say, John Locke is FIYA’ED! Most heartless canning I’ve seen since the Braves dumped John Smoltz.
Back to Smoke Monster Locke. Remember those flashing headaches the characters would get a few seasons back when they jumped timelines too quickly? Yeah, that’s me. Smoke Monster Locke sees a ghost kid – a tiny, white boy who has bloody hands…
Ben explains to Ilana that Locke killed Jacob by turning into the Smoke Monster. Ben: “He turned into a pillar of black smoke.” That’s funny because that’s exactly how Dwyane Wade describes Michael Beasley blazing up.
I’m of two minds about this. First, I want to formally announce that after five plus seasons, I’m officially on Sawyer’s side. If I was sequestered on a haunted jungle island with no hope of rescue, I would be doing EXACTLY the same thing – pounding JD with the Stooges cranked full blast. That’s the way to go.
But here’s where I take issue with all of the “brilliant” indecipherable twists and turns that the hardcore “Lost” fans pour over on message boards and the like. If the “Lost” writers are really as crafty as the their reputations would have you believe, you’d think they’d avoid flubbing the pop culture timeline so badly.
Here’s where my years of misspent youth come into play… The version of “Search and Destroy” that’s playing in the background was not officially released until 1997. The original recording of “Raw Power” – the one from 1973 that I assume the writers were going for (since Dharma started going to the island in the 1970s) – was so notoriously overmixed that 1) it was virtually unlistenable and 2) the record label insisted that David Bowie rework the initial recording. He did, and that one was a distorted trainwreck as well. Not until the late ‘90s, when Iggy Pop finally remixed and remastered the original “Raw Power” did a viable recording– or at least something that could be played on ABC – become available to the public.
My point is this: there’s really no chance that the version of the album that Sawyer plays could be on the island. My friend Amber – obsessive “Lost” enthusiast – defends the whole “Search and Destroy” debacle by suggesting that the Dharma Initiative people could have brought the record with them on a subsequent visit to the project.
Not buying. You’re telling me Dharma brought a 1997 remastered vinyl edition of “Raw Power” to the island, but didn’t think to upgrade the 25 year-old turntable it’s playing on? That’s like buying a Ferrari and fitting it with $100 tires. No way.
Sawyer to Smoke Monster Locke: “I thought you were dead.” I’ve said this about Brett Favre on many occasions. Actually, if you think about it, Locke is “Lost’s” Favre – still a star in later incarnations, totally indecisive and never seems to go away.
Commerical Sidenote: I heard some NBA news yesterday that I feel I need to pass on before I fall asleep. John Feinstein reported on the Tony Kornheiser Show that Charlotte Bobcats owner Bob Johnson will dump the team on whomever’s willing to pick up the debt… I mean, he’s not even “selling” per se. Just take the debt, and the Bobcats are yours. This is the exact same thing that happens with mansions during a real estate bubble. Unbelievable financial times we’re living in, people. Godspeed to David Stern. I hope he keeps this thing afloat.
Sticking with QB/character comparisons, I’d have to liken Sayid to Cowboys playcaller Tony Romo – both soft-spoken, high-character guys who do well with the ladies, but ultimately can’t get over a history of heartbreak and torture.
Back from commercial. Sawyer’s more tanked than Plaxico Burress in a Manhattan nightclub. I say 2:1 odds that he shoots himself in the crotch. Sawyer seems totally unimpressed by the fact that Smoke Monster Locke isn’t Locke Locke – same reaction I had to the Daytona 500.
Sawyer: “Who are you? You sure as hell ain’t John Locke.”
SM Locke: “What if I told you I was the person who could answer the most important question in the world?”
Hilson: “Holy s***! The Smoke Monster’s gonna tell where LeBron signs in the offseason.”
Sawyer: “And what question is that?”
SM Locke: “Why are you on this island?”
Hilson: (*deep sigh*)
Back to post-landing Locke, who in a stroke of luck, runs into Hurley in the parking lot. Locke chews the big boy out for blocking his ride until Hurley says that he owns the company. You laugh, but you’re looking at Jerry Buss’s son three years from now. Hurley sets Locke up with a temp job and promises to deliver an embarrassing trophy acceptance speech should the opportunity ever present itself.
Back on the island, Sawyer and Smoke Monster Locke stumble upon the invisible boy while sauntering through the jungle.
Boy to Smoke Monster: “You know the rules. You can’t kill him.” Same instructions Bulls GM John Paxson gave to Tyrus Thomas regarding his head coach.
SM Locke to Boy: “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.” Again, same response Tyrus gave to Paxson. Expect him to be traded by the deadline.
After a commercial break, Richard springs out of a patch of studio greenery in an attempt to rescue Sawyer from the Smoke Monster. Unsuccessful, Richard darts back into a Hollywood Boulevard parking lot.
Back to the temp agency. Locke meets Rose – also known as the female African American on the show – for the first time post-landing. An ornery Locke bitches and moans until Rose tells him that she has cancer. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable since the Leno/Letterman Super Bowl commercial.
Note to self: it’s almost impossible to do a TV show play-by-play when said show runs on three different timelines. Back to Smoke Monster and Sawyer.
After pulling a gun on the Smoke Monster – because that’ll do the trick – Sawyer says to SM Locke in the most sinister of tones: “What are you?” (I know. Inappropriately long buildup.)
SM Locke to Sawyer: “What I am is trapped. And I’ve been trapped for so long that I don’t even remember what it feels like to be free.”
Unbelievable. The sports allusions keep rolling in. Same line Roy Halladay used to get out of Toronto.
The Smoke Monster tells Sawyer he used to be a man… That’s gotta be a nod to Olympic great Johnny Weir. Cut to commercial…
Now is a good time to mention that we’ve gone almost a full episode without Jack, which means we have an official Ewing Theory candidate on our hands. If you’re unfamiliar with Simmons speak, check it out here.
Ben, Ilana, Sun and the airplane pilot haul Locke’s body to a burial site (the dead John Locke… yes, I’m just as confused as Randy Shannon in the 2 minute offense). Upon Ben’s confession that he killed Locke, the pilot gives us a wink-wink, “This is the weirdest damn funeral I’ve ever been to.” This guy reminds me of Captain Ron.
Locke – the alive, handicapped Locke – flirts with calling Jack’s office for the spinal consultation, but decides against it. Instead he explains to Al Bundy’s wife the reason he’s been fired (an aborted “walkabout” in Australia). She sympathizes. She says, “The only thing I’ve ever waited for is you.” They kiss. Al comes charging through the front door like a wild rhino and kicks Locke’s crippled ass.
Made that last part up.
Back on the island, the Smoke Monster convinces Sawyer to scale a rinky-dink ladder down the side of a cliff. I’d bet all my savings and my dog’s life that this has something to do with Jacob. Get it? “Jacob’s Ladder.” I swear, these writers are more obvious than a Robbie Hilson joke.
Bingo. There’s a cave in the side of the cliff that Sawyer describes as “a hole in a cliff with rocks on a scale.”
HEYO! The first big reveal of Season 6: The Numbers, the one’s Hurley used to win the lotto like 4 seasons ago, are scrawled with other digits all over the cave’s ceiling. Beside each is a crossed off name i.e. dead guys.
Back to post-landing Locke. Rose hooked him up with a temp job as an elementary school teacher. I’d be pissed. Locke runs into Ben, who was evidently a fourth grade European History teacher before he turned into a psychopathic killer.
We find that Jacob wrote down all the numbers after run-ins with each of the main characters:
23-Shephard, 8-Reyes, 16-Jarrah, 42-Kwon, 4-Locke, 15-Ford
So we’re 100 percent sure that these are “The Numbers” and not Jamarcus Russell passer ratings?
Smoke Monster Locke makes Sawyer an offer he can’t refuse: Antawn Jamison for Zydrunas Ilgauskas’ expiring contract, a first round pick, Al Thorton and Brian Skinner… Sorry, that was the deal the Wizards couldn’t refuse.
The Smoke Monster and Sawyer agree to go home together. Remember, Sawyer had been drinking.