Defeat the World: Day Seven of the Winter Olympics

Americans rejoice!

On the sixth day of these Vancouver games, the United States proved to the world what it should have already known. We’re better than you.

That’s right Canada, it doesn’t matter that 75 percent of your country is made of permafrost and eskimos. Enjoy your miserable weather and your cheesy national police force because we’re taking over the winter and next on our list is your beloved hockey.

In case you can’t tell by my obnoxious literary flag waving, day six of the Winter Olympics was a good day for the Americans. To be less humble and more specific, it was the best day that the Americans have ever had at the eskimo games. The U.S. won six medals on Wednesday with three of those being the giant, deformed pancake variety of gold that is being handed out in Vancouver.

But my medal is unsymmetrical...

In the eloquent words of Shaun White’s coach Bud Keane, the freedom fighters really went out and “stomped the s**t” out of the competition.

Yes, there were no greater stars of the day than American snowboarder Shaun White, who successfully defended his Torino halfpipe gold in rather easy fashion, and skier Lindsey Vonn, who overcame her much touted shin injury to win an emotional gold in the women’s downhill. Speedskater Shani Davis took the third gold in a performance that I’m sure was highly patriotic and awesome although I did not get to see it.

Not only did Vonn take gold, but her teammate and fellow hot American, Julia Mancuso, took silver in an event that was highlighted by three brutal crashes. We’re talking extreme faceplant action.

Flags in your face, Canada!

Commentary on the women’s downhill created one of the unintentionally edgy moments of the day. While explaining the skiing style of one of the competitors, the female commentator noted that “she really likes it rough and bumpy.” Her male counterpart, overrun with the thought of several inappropriate one-line comebacks, simply sat in awkward silence for a few moments before responding with “well, that’s an advantage for her.”

In the world of snowboarding, White proved that he is still far superior to anyone that has ever even thought about riding a snowboard by winning gold on what he had set as his “conservative” run, and then landing a trick that only he can land on his victory lap run, just to keep himself entertained. While White has become a national star, he apparently has not garnered the iconic status that it takes to have your name spelled correctly. This morning’s top Google trend? “Sean White Olympics 2010.”

Domination

As mentioned earlier, White and his coach also drew the dismay of NBC executives when cameras picked up a profanity and fist bump-laden conversation between the two right before White’s final run. And people wonder why the vast majority of these games are being broadcasted under a taped delay. These winter hoodlums cannot be trusted in mainstream America!

On irrelevant halfpipe side notes, the outfits that the U.S. snowboarders wore for the competition were awesome and if I lived in any variation of extremely cold weather, I would wear them daily. That is not a joke. Also, the American flag bandanas that Shaun White adds to the wardrobe are a nice touch. Just saying.

Not only did these courageous Americans defeat all those of inferior nationalities, they also took an initial step in protecting American culture from the treacherous totalitarian that has held recent dominance. Yes, I am referring to the evil giant that is “American Idol.” For the first time in six years, Idol was not the highest rated program in its timeslot on Wednesday. That honor went to NBC Olympic coverage. One step closer to saving the country.

Aside from the downhill podium ceremony, one of the highlights of NBC’s late night coverage was Bob Costas’ interview with comedic news personality and sponsor of the U.S. speedskating team, Stephen Colbert. Colbert, who just a few nights before had jokingly said on his own show that he planned on stabbing Costas, was humorous as usual when questions regarding speedskater Davis, who was openly opposed to Colbert’s sponsorship, were directed at him. In true Colbert style, he ended the interview by jumping into the fake fireplace that Costas and Matt Lauer often cuddle beside.

Today’s curling fun fact: Vernon Davis is the honorary captain of the U.S. men’s curling squad. He may be the worst honorary captain ever as he is not set to arrive in Vancouver until Friday. The U.S. men’s curling team has already played four matches, they have lost all four.

Vernon Davis: Curling's Jackie Robinson

Today’s Olympic activities are pretty simple. Tonight is the women’s snowboard halfpipe competition and that is must-see television. Now correspondents will tell you that men’s figure skating and skiing are today’s major events, but as you know, SC frowns upon men’s figure skating, and I just have a weird ESP feeling that Vonn is going to wreck in her combine race today, just saying. That leaves you with snowboarding, or as Tony Kornheiser calls it, “that young kid nonsense.”

So what is the appeal to tonight’s halfpipe festivities? Good looking Olympians, duh. Why else do you watch the Olympics?

Now there are plenty to choose from, but my personal favorite is Hannah Teter. Teter is fresh off of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot and even has her own brand of underwear. The brand name? Sweet Cheeks. Oh yeah, she’s also the defending gold medalist in halfpipe.

Did I mention that she has her own ice cream?

AMERICA!

Happy winter…from Florida.

-Bryan

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