Sweet American Vindication: Day 11 of the Winter Olympics

"This one's for Sports Casualties." - U.S. Hockey Team

It is no longer just a biased Sports Casualties talking point. It is now officially a fact. These winter games belong to the Americans.

Incase you have been trapped in a technology-deficient bomb shelter for the last 24 hours (come out, the Cold War is over and Canada doesn’t have bombs), you probably already know about the triumph of the USA over Canada in the preliminary round’s final game. Yes, that triumph came in hockey, the sport that Canucks everywhere like to declare as their own.

In other words, this is the equivalent of the U.S. defeating the British in cricket, the Chinese in badminton or the French in homosexual affection. Yes, this is huge.

SC: Nearly as Humble as Chad Ochocinco

Now as you learned last week, SC is a humble entity that tries to avoid the obligatory “I told you so.” However, as you also learned last week, SC does not currently have the greatest relationship with our nosy neighbors to the north. We managed to ruffle up the icy feathers of the people of the frozen tundra, surely helping fuel the Americans to their largest hockey victory in exactly 30 years. So with that, I am virtually required to take you back to a rather prophetic quote that I dispersed on Thursday:

“Enjoy your miserable weather and your cheesy national police force because we’re taking over the winter and next on our list is your beloved hockey.”

I told you so.

U.S. goalie Ryan MIller officially submitted his write-in candidacy for the 2012 presidential election on Sunday night. Running on the platform of hockey and 42 breath-suppressing saves, Miller may be just what this country needs. After all, he made Americans feel more proud of their country than any politician has, let’s see, ever. Miller’s performance was so majestic that it was nearly unbelievable. In all reality, it likely won’t be the last unbelievable performance that he will need to exhibit to continue the golden dreams of the USA pucksters.

Ryan Miller: Great American or Greatest American?

While Miller was the game’s greatest hero, there were certainly others. There was Chris Drury, the wise veteran on a team primarily filled with young and unproven talent. There was Brian Rafalski and there was Ryan Kesler, whose hustling empty-net goal and World Series-esque pile-up celebration made Canada Hockey Place more silent than a Britney Spears concert sans CD player. This was supposed to be a necessary rebuilding Olympics for a U.S. franchise that, unlike Hannah Storm, was not aging well. Instead, this roster may very well be famous to all by week’s end.

Now before all of the mullet-rocking Barry Melrose disciples berate me, yes, I know that this was only a preliminary contest and that it’s probably not a great sign that the Canadians dominated every offensive statistic not named goals. I know that the Americans by no way have an easy shot through to the medal round. However, today is not a day for reality. Today is a day for basking in Sunday night’s glorious victory, something that no one gave the Americans a chance to do. Yes, that includes you, Mr. Melrose.

“I think this game will be much closer than many people think. I believe the Americans will only lose 5-3.” – the prediction of the grey mullet.

By the way Barry, the Tampa Bay Lightning thank you, and your disdain for them, for their 2010 playoff run.

Vintage Melrose

Also, rumors brought forward by Robbie Hilson that I had infiltrated the sound system of Canada Hockey Place are unfortunately not true. Trust me, if I had anything to do with the music being played in Vancouver’s beloved arena, all you would be hearing is the only song that I have personally bothered listening to since about 10:15 Sunday night.

U.S. hockey wasn’t the only thing that built up my patriotism over the weekend. On Sunday, skier Bode Miller won his first ever gold medal, taking his personal Vancouver medal count to three. Miller, best known for skiing because he likes the rush and doesn’t care where he finishes, and for his desire to make the Olympics so that he can “party at an Olympics level,” is finally garnering a career as large as his persona.

If you can’t feel good about this world class boozer finally making it, you’re probably not a real American.

On a closing note, I’m sure many people had their hockey searching moment last night where they flipped to NBC expecting to see the most notable game of this young Olympic hockey tournament. Instead, they soon learned that this monumental hockey game was pushed to the Olbermann Network, known to some as MSNBC. This transition was acceptable because Uncle Keith doesn’t work on non-football Sundays, and therefore could not issue an angry monologue about it.

Instead, NBC hit the heart of mainstream America with their coverage of the two-man bobsled and the ever-popular ice dancing. You can imagine the adrenaline letdown when Americans faded away from their hockey victory to NBC where they were greeted by Russians pretending to be aborigines. This was not all. The aborigines were soon followed by an unknown duo who dressed as the Amish for their dance (ironic), and a gratuitous amount of fake cowboys.

The Sitdown Tombstone Piledriver: An Intricate Part of Ice Dancing

Yes one of these cowboy duos was ice dancing to a song by a “country” trio that will not be named. Let’s just say they’re three outspoken ladies led by one obnoxiously outspoken lady who enjoys declaring herself as “not country music” only to throw hissy fits when country music then says “alright, then we won’t play your music.” Google it.

I was almost done with ice dancing when figure skater and SC favorite Tanith Belbin entered my screen and saved the day. God bless native Canadians that achieve dual citizenship, and then immediately drop their Canadian roots to compete for America.

Happy winter…from Florida.


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