Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.
Following last week’s recap, which was admittedly a synopsis of a chaotic and volatile week, the week in review is back and refreshingly peaceful. The skies are blue, the weather is crisp and the surplus of homeless people surrounding my complex are happily going about their day. This will surely be the most charming and bright column written since the Boston Globe let Peter Gammons canoodle in the Red Sox clubhouse and then type out 1,500 words on his experience.
I’m leaned back in my favorite chair, my obsessive Sports Casualties notepad is sitting next to me on the armrest and curling semifinals are on my television. Let’s do this.
It is officailly the final Friday of the Vancouver Olympics which means two things. First, today is the final day of women’s curling, a sport that has mesmerized the masses throughout these winter games. Curling, which is seemingly on either CNBC or the USA Network at all times, has become the world’s favorite perrenial time-waster and a cult-favorite here at the University of Florida. It is a sport that seems to take entirely longer than it should and can probably be played mildly well while innebriated. In other words, it’s an absolute vacuum for college minds.
Perhaps most intriguing about curling is the determination of what actually makes one good or bad at it. For example, it was reported this week that the U.S. men’s curling team actually lost to a random group of average curlers at a curling club in Duluth, Minnesota, not long before their trip to Vancouver. This news sparks an endless amount of comments.
The simple thought of a real life curling club almost makes it seem enjoyable to live north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Okay, not really , but it fools you for a second. I have a tremendous mental image of Tuesday night curling leagues with excessive amounts of alcohol and mullets. As the competition intensifies through the night, things get rough and typically conclude with a number of sliding brawls across the ice as Wednesday morning approaches.
Now imagine the U.S. national team walking into this establishment. I’m personally envisioning a Clint Eastwood western saloon moment here. And then the impossible happens, the rag-tag bunch of Duluth failed hockey players beats John Shuster and his gang of national embarassments. It’s kind of like when the short girl blocks Charles Barkley’s shot on a street court in “Space Jam.”
Anyways, today Canada goes up against Sweden for the gold medal in women’s curling. The true winner here is ESPN’s Bill Simmons who gets one final glimpse of his favorite Olympic athlete, Canadian skip Cheryl Bernard.
The other Olympic-related greatness that today brings is the USA-Finland semifinal in men’s hockey. The USA will look to continue a run that has already been magnificient and surprising. The Americans cannot look past a tough opponent in search of a likely rematch with Canada on Sunday in the gold medal game.
To help inspire Uncle Sam’s ice warriors I have brought to SC the best in the business at motivational hockey speeches. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Herb Brooks.
Goosebumps…and slight laughter.
Stepping away from the Olympics, on Thursday, Joakim Noah celebrated his 25th birthday. It is truly surprising that Noah has made it in the NBA as long as he already has with his hideous shot and controversial demeanor. However, he is currently at the peak of his young career and proving many wrong. Somewhere, Yannick Noah is smiling. And not just because he’s sitting next to a collection of illegal drugs that would make Hunter S. Thompson blush.
Thursday was also the anniversary of the day that Jerry Jones became the most hated man in Dallas, for a short period of time. Jones’ unceremonial dismissal of legendary coach Tom Landry is a moment that still seems radically harsh and unprofessional. Nothing a few diamond rings couldn’t take care of. (whisper voice)…He went to Jared.
Things aren’t all unified team-like on the U.S. women’s ski team front where reports surfaced this week that Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso are in the midst of a personal feud. I guess that explains the baseball bat that Thomas Vonn has been carrying around with him all week.
Co-author Robbie Hilson did an excellent job earlier in the week of covering the “OMG Tim Tebow is working on his delivery” videos. While the videos were cool to see, I don’t think they surprised anyone not named Mel Kiper, Jr. Did ayone really think that Tebow would walk in and say “this is how I throw the ball, take it or leave it?”
Tebow’s issues are things that can be fixed, and that he has the work ethic to fix. Here’s to hoping he shows up to pro day in the same Under Armour outfit with a rugged beard, and simply makes Kiper cry. I want tears. Terrible, overpaid, ESPN tears.
Manchester City footballer Wayne Bridge is officially refusing to play for the English national team in the World Cup due to the fact that his would-be teammate and former team captain John Terry had an affair with his now-ex-girlfriend.
In related news, all American golfers have refused to play for the next Ryder Cup’s USA team if Tiger Woods is on the squad.
AND NOW…(drum roll)
WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga
In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.
Curling. Distracting America for hours at a time.
YOU WILL NOT videotape Alex Ovechkin after an embarrasing loss for the Soviets.
YOU DON’T BRING THAT WEAK SQUASH ACTION IN HERE!
What to Watch on Television this Weekend
Because although we live in a country where we are free to watch whatever we want, deep down inside we still want people to tell us what to watch.
Winter Olympics – Every channel with any form of a relation to NBC – All Weekend
They’re almost over. Soak it in and feel patriotic.
NASCAR Shelby American GT 350 – FOX – Sunday, 3 P.M.
California is over, so it is safe to look again.
Have an obstreperous weekend.