This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.
While my SC cohort sips a vodka tonic from his Lazy Boy on this admittedly bright Friday afternoon in Gainesville, I am huddled on my sofa with doubled-up sweaters trying in vain to keep this damn fire in the middle of my living room from going out.
I’ve burned through three textbooks, a weekend edition of The USA Today and my mother’s 30-year-old Fender guitar. I’m both still freezing and seven days away from the start of Spring Break. This is Florida. This should not be happening.
Speaking of things that shouldn’t be happening…
Just in general, but especially not on the front page of the New York Times. This is particularly bothersome to me because I get my news from exactly two places and two places alone: Bryan Holt posts and, yes, the Times. Now both have been corrupted by the likes of kizzle kazzles (look it up) and, in the case of this second publication, piss-poor quotes from the nerdy Super Rich who get to pretend for 2 weeks every four years to be expert sports authorities… or at least like they haven’t been shoved into a locker by the captain of the football team every single morning from fourth to ninth grades.
Case in point. This is what Robert P. Kelly, chief executive of Bank of New York Mellon/curler extraordinaire, told the Times for a story entitled – I kid you not – “On Wall Street, A Romance with Curling”:
“Let’s face it: if baseball and football were in the winter, nobody would be watching.”
Great call by you, skip. Except 106 million Americans. It’s called the Super Bowl. Look it up. Furthermore, I for one, get chills when the likes of Mark McGwire, Albert Pujols and Tim Kurkjian appear side-by-side on my television screen in late February. And again, not because I’m freezing or because I’m mildly horrified to see that Big Mac has been in the “weight room” since his Congressional fiasco, and now roughly six times the body weight of Tiny Tim.
Am I just bitter because it’s bitterly cold outside and I’m running out of things to burn? Yeah, a little. Am I doubly bitter that U.S. curling spokesman/workout freak Vernon Davis won’t just come out and admit that he joined the team because he thought there were dumbbells involved? Absolutely.
And am I triply bitter that a bunch of glorified shuffle-puckers beat me to Olympic glory while I was wasting my time playing real sports that I had entirely no chance to ever excel at? In the words of Sarah Palin, you betcha.
I cannot wait for Sunday’s closing ceremonies so that we can all get back to talking about the things that matter, like the NFL Combine and The Honda Classic. Until then, I’m mapping out the best shuffleboard watering holes that this little college town has to offer. Training starts today, and come Sochi 2014, I will be competing with the finest 45-year-olds, pregnant women, and 45-year-old pregnant women curling has to offer.
And with this 42-pound stone of a bitchfest off my chest, I present to you with a deep breath and in Spaghetti Western-style… all that I have left.
The Good: As you can probably already tell, I don’t have many positive things to say on this morning (*SHUT YOUR CHIRPING, YOU DAMN BIRDS!*), but I would like to pass along a piece of Sports Casualties information that until today, only two people in this world were privy to. Here are the top three search engine terms, in order, that drive traffic to our humble site:
1) “Lindsey Vonn”
2) “Kate Lost”
3) “Lindsey Vonn hot”
I don’t know exactly how I feel about these recent developments, but I can tell you it’s somewhere on the scale between “awesome” and “unequivocally elated.” Also, should you search “Sports Casualties” in your googler, the site before you comes up Jeter-style in the two hole. R.I.P. Korey Stringer.
Now Grizzlies forward Zach Randolph also makes this section, not on statistical excellence alone, but also on humility. When asked by ESPN’s Ryen Russillo how he thinks other people would describe him, Big Zach said, “You know, probably play hard. Leave it all out on the court.”
Quick scouting report on Randolph – Pros: prolific rebounder, strong in the low post; Cons: lacks defensive tenacity and self-awareness.
I got one more Ryen Russillo story for you, because the guy doesn’t get enough love and he has to hang out with Scott Van Pelt’s Ego all day. Describing a recent Nuggets-Cavs game, the NBA Today podcaster said, “This is a classic game for LeBron haters. And I know that there aren’t many of you out there that hate LeBron, but there’s always that guy, and you know who you are if you’re him… and you know who he is if you’re friends with him and you don’t want to be anymore.”
In related news, Ryen Russillo and Skip Bayless are no longer friends.
This week in funny pharmaceuticals names, CNN began pounding commercials for one “Aciphex,” as in “Kim Kardashian’s aciphex Reggie Bush.”
Moving on, Bob Ley of ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” did a feature on squash this week. Given the relevance of Ley’s recent reporting, I just figured he was doing a piece on the spring harvest.
And finally, because you can tell I’m grasping at “good” straws, former NHL player and current Canadian Matthew Barnaby announced Monday after U.S.A.’s hockey victory over Canada that he “became a permanent resident of the United States today.”
Matthew, on behalf of Sports Casualties, welcome, and we accept your apology.
The Bad: Geeze, where do we start. Dan Le Batard is probably a safe bet… After “Pardon the Interruption” host Tony Kornheiser was suspended for insulting smoking-hot-despite-her-advanced-age co-worker Hannah Storm, ESPN producers decided per usual to fill Tony’s void with Pablo Escobar/Shane Battier lookalike Le Batard. Dan proceeded to tell African American co-host Michael Wilbon that college football teams cannot be among the nation’s elite without players who get arrested.
This strikes me as both more offensive and less sexy than Kornheiser comparing Storm to a Catholic school girl. But Le Batard is black, so he can get away with it.
In more bad news, it came to my attention this week that ice dancers compete in a “compulsory program,” which means even ice dancers really have no desire to ice dance.
Tragedy struck Sea World this week as a killer whale killed a trainer in a story that is both sad and rhetorical.
As if the Kansas City Royals couldn’t embarrass themselves any more, headlines this week confirmed that team mascot Sluggerrr hit a fan in the face with his weiner. Click here for full details.
Pop icon Whitney Houston was recently booed off the stage during a concert in Brisbane when the 46-year-old failed to hit high notes and took prolonged breaks in between songs.
This just in: crack bad for singing.
In non sequitur news, we’re 100 percent sure that Joe Lunardi isn’t the lovechild of David Stern?
Moving to the financial sector, bankrupted General Motors CEO Ed Whitacre Jr. will make a reported $9 million this year. When asked the last time they’d seen such an undeserving payout, most Detroit residents responded, “Charlie Villanueva.”
On Wednesday, SportsCenter anchor John Buccigross interviewed former backup quarterback and current analyst Tim Hasselbeck about the importance of NFL Combine speed drills. I was not watching.
Why? Because talking to Tim Hasselbeck about the 40-yard dash is like talking to Dick Cheney about bipartisanship or John Edwards about fidelity.
Sticking with politicians, quitter Evan Bayh (D-Ind.) went on CNN’s “State of the Union” Sunday and told Candy Crowley that deadlocked government needs “exogenous” events to get things moving.
“9/11 – a few weeks after that things were better,” Bayh said, as producers cut to break so that Crowley could pick her mouth up off the floor.
The Kim Cattrall: Behind curling, the second biggest reason I want these Winter Games to just end already. It’s a harsh reality that British Columbia’s own alpha-cougar gets ample airtime during each NBC commercial break. Cattrall is the reason I can’t turn on TBS past midnight. She is also the reason every 27-and-under male checks their unattended drinks for roofies. Really, the only thing worse than Kim Vicious turning up in this Canada ad every 20 minutes is Sarah McLachlan turning up every 20 minutes in the exact same Canada ad.
Though at least with Sarah, you don’t have to worry about the roofies. I mean, if you’re a guy anyway.
My time is short. You’ll get no buzzer beater and like it.