It’s hard to be a smart ass at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday night on five hours of sleep… but I’ll do my best. For a past recap, click here.
So here’s how this is gonna go. I plan to keep you up to speed on all matters “Lost,” while simultaneously dispersing little nuggets of LeBron talk and gratuitous pics of the show’s hot actresses. I think this is a winning formula.
Also, since Google has decided to send us a bunch of horndog 14-year-olds via its screwy algorithm, you will see phrases like “Kate lost hot” woven throughout the following with no apparent reason. Think of it as an experiment in gaming the system.
So I say to you, Larry Page and Sergey Brinn, in the words of Hulk Hogan: Whatcha gonna do when SC mania runs wild on you?
And I say to everybody else: Let’s do this.
Sayid – in the alternate universe where the plane doesn’t crash – strolls up to the house of his old flame only to find that a 1) she’s super hot and 2) she’s married to his brother. This sucks for Sayid… Though he’s tortured in the past, so I guess what goes around comes around. Karma’s a bitch. And Sayid’s brother is a sleazeball. I think we could have a Wayne Bridge-John Terry situation on our hands.
Back in the Post-Crash timeline, Sayid goes to question the sagacious Asian dude (Dogen) only to find himself in “Matrix”-style hand-to-hand jujitsu with said sagacious Asian dude. Sayid knocks the guy’s baseball off a table, which really seems to piss Dogen off. Think Moises Alou berating a cowering Steve Bartman.
On the island, “lost Claire hot” has teamed up with who she thinks is Locke, but who is actually the Smoke Monster. Also, Claire has been living out in the desert and killed an “other” with an axe last week, which makes her, um, an axe murderer.
First commercial break ramblings: SC co-author Bryan Holt (“Lost” novice) said he tuned into the last hour on a study break only to find that reruns employ some kind of ESPN-like Bottom Line. He was baffled. So I explained to him – quite rightly – that this show is such an outright clusterf*** that the producers need to run a feed just to keep viewers on top of things. I think I hit this explanation on the head.
Flash to Non-Crash timeline. Sleazeball assessment on Sayid’s brother confirmed. He owes some henchmen a boatload of money on a business deal turned sour. He asks Sayid to “take care of business,” you know, like he did in the war. Sayid says, “I’m sorry, I’m not that man anymore.” This is what Brad Lidge should’ve told the Phillies last year.
Apparently Claire has Dogen by the balls, because she walks right up to the temple and requests his presence with Smoke Monster Locke… But then she gets taken off by Dogen’s posse. So maybe she doesn’t have him by the balls. Dogen then asks Sayid to kill SM Locke Dracula-style – knife to the chest.
Sayid’s reaction: “WHATCHOO TALKIN’ BOUT, WILLIS?”
Commercial Break/Gratuitous King Talk: LeBron petitioned the NBA last night to switch his number from 23 to 6. Potential reasons 1-3:
1) He doesn’t feel like paying off Eric Gordon when he signs with the Clippers.
2) There’s only six degrees of separation between LeBron and Jesus.
3) LBJ is a huge fan of the “Lost” Season 6, Episode 6 Recap. Thanks, King.
Hold that thought…
The shady businessmen evidently jumped Sayid’s brother, pulling a nasty, lung-puncturing hit job on him. He’s still alive, but, you know, suckin’ wind…(get it?) Jump to island where we find bang-bang that A) “lost Kate hot” finds out about Axe Murderer Claire and B) Sayid stabs the Smoke Monster. If you’ve ever seen someone stab a ghost, you can guess that the knife didn’t exactly have the intended effect. Smoke Monster Locke pulls the machete out of his chest and hands it back to Sayid. This is the ultimate zombie eff you.
Smoke Monster Locke/Al Davis: “What if I told you you could have anything you wanted? What if I said you that you could have anything in the entire world?”
Sayid/Javon Walker: “I would tell you that the only thing I ever wanted died in my arms, and I’ll never see it again.”
Smoke Monster Locke/Al Davis: “What if you could?”
(I know. A little heavy for those who got the reference.)
After this tense little ordeal, we switch timelines only to find Sayid in an even stickier situation. His former lover/brother’s wife asks Sayid why she dumped her. “I can’t be with you because I don’t deserve you,” he says. Looks just as stale in print as it sounded coming out in Dolby Surround.
Back on the island, Post-Crash, Sayid tells the temple people that they need to scram or else the Smoke Monster’s gonna kill everybody. Dogen seems skeptical. Cut to Kate who finds Claire at the bottom of a pit singing lullabies like a old senile lady – a hot, old senile lady. Kate tells Claire that she stole her baby, but without using “stole.” Claire’s about to kill Kate until she realizes that she’s at the bottom of a pit.
In the No-Crash timeline, the hoodlums that pulled a Bill Laimbeer on Sayid’s brother track down little bro’. Says the gansta debt collector, “It’s a dangerous world Sayid and you know that because you’re from Iraq.”
You just can’t say these things in our politically correct society, and so Sayid goes all James Bond on everybody in the room. After making a MacGyver-worthy escape, he busts into a walk-in refrigerator only to find – who else – Jin, the show’s other ornery Asian man.
Commercial Break/Gratuitous King Talk (Potential Reasons 4-6 for the 23 to 6 Number Switch)
4) Switching to one digit has a slimming effect.
5) Michael Jordan secretly offered him half of the Bobcats.
6) Because when LeBron moves to New York, LeBron will be his own borough.
Back on the island, Dogen tells Sayid that he got tanked during a work party, wrecked his car and killed his son (my first reaction: “don’t mention Stallworth; you’re better than that, Hilson”). Then Jacob told him that if he comes to the island, his son will be saved. Says Sayid, “Jacob drives a hard bargain.” Scott Boras agrees.
Hey, so what do we think of “the bachelor finale 2010” “marie osmond son stephen” and “heirloom tomatoes”? Suck it, Google.
Sayid then polishes off Dogen by drowning him in a glorified Jacuzzi, and then slashes John Lennon look-alike, uh, Lennon for good measure (Keep my Beatles out of this, you bastards! Also, Lennon is Dogen’s translator.). I think that’s five Sayid murders and an attempted murder, but I’ve lost count.
In the meantime, the Smoke Monster is taking to the village people like the English army in “Braveheart.” Everybody’s looking for an out, except Claire, who’s still stuck in a pit straight out of “Silence of the Lambs.” I hope you’re enjoying these movie references.
The Smoke Monster spares Claire, Kate, Sayid, Ben and the rest of the main characters because, you know, we have like 11 episodes left. Gotta pace yourself.
Before we go, let me get this off my chest. I know exactly what the “Lost” writers were thinking 12 months ago because this happens to me every time I go bowling. I’m really only good for four games, but I pay for six up front. By the time I actually get to game six, I’ve been sick of bowling for an hour, my arm hurts and I have a few in me… So I just start making crap up. Left-handed, granny-style, behind the back, whatever. My friends think this is great – hell, they’re doing the same thing. Can’t call me out on my BS.
Hey “Lost” guys, you’re going to feel pretty stupid in the morning. Also, “kate lost hot.”