To promote their reincarnation of the “Tonight Show,” and to help expose themselves to a more youthful demographic (hmm…), the writers for the Jay Leno comedy hour have asked to take over Sports Casualties for a series of weekly posts. The following is this week’s monologue that the writers, the alpha-chinned one and the perpetually stoned guitarist, were able to put together.
[Leno walks onto the stage, shakes hands with the throngs of adoring fans, who totally weren’t instructed to step forward and shake his hand, and whispers to himself, “let’s do this.”]
John Daly’s PGA Tour disciplinary file was made public this week. And you thought that Bill Simmons basketball book was long.
How about Apolo Ohno becoming the most decorated Winter Olympian of all time. [crowd cheers] Now I’m not saying that Ohno has made a name for himself by not quite winning races, but he has more bronze than a Jersey Shore tanning salon. In fact, just the other day I heard that the Buffalo Bills are suing him for copyright infringement.
Kevin: It’s like the South Koreans are the Cowboys!
Chad Ochocinco was announced Tuesday as a contestant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Yeah, unlucky for him though, his dancing partner is Darrelle Revis.
Kevin: Haha! That’s no good for Ocho!
Boy, you really can’t say enough about Shaun White. He’s now a two-time Olympic gold medalist [crowd cheers…pause], and he managed to help NBC beat out “American Idol” on the night of his half-pipe competition. I tell ya, he kind of reminds me of this other red-headed guy that had everybody at NBC all excited. Can you think of that guy’s name, Kev?
Kevin: Bye bye Shaun!
I tell ya, Kev, the economy is gettin’ real bad. Last weekend I saw Tiger Woods leaving the bar with his wife. [cue “that was funny” music]
Times are so tough Jerry Jones is thinking about putting off Cowboy Stadium renovations for another year or two. [cue “that was funny” music]
This economy is so rotten, last month the Red Sox had a garage sale. Yeah, the Mets came by and bought Jason Bay and 2,000 fans for $14. [cue “that was funny” music]
Well you know spring training has officially begun, and I was looking at the Pirates’ lineup the other day. I haven’t seen a lineup that pathetic since I looked at the NBC column in the TV Guide.
Kevin: Oh, you better watch it, Jay!
I’m not sure what is more hopeless, “The Marriage Ref” or Lastings Milledge.
Floyd Mayweather and Shane Mosley got in a “completely unscripted” scuffle at a press conference for their May 1 fight. Yes, people are still boxing although I don’t imagine that anyone will care to watch. In related news, stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon at 12:30!
Kevin: Don’t forget Carson!
Come back after the break. We’ve got a great show for you. Later we have somebody who recently wrote a book and, in an attempt to savor the only ratings that we get on this station, an Olympic hero!
One more thing first though, Kev.
Kevin: What’s that?
Kate lost hot.