In a no longer unprecedented move, Sports Casualties will reverse the order of this week’s “Review” columns. Much like when “Sunday NFL Countdown” airs on Saturday, I stubbornly refuse to pull the “Redux” from the title. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll up, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.
Something happened last night that makes me think that I’ve sold this whole Sports Casualties proposition a bit short. Evidence…
I’m over at Gainesville’s finest hipster establishment, The Atlantic, feverishly two-stepping away the wee hours of the morning, when an attractive blonde walks up to me and says something to the effect of, “I know this is stalkerish, but are you the one who writes the ‘Lost’ recaps?”
Yes. Yes, I am.
Never mind that this girl was a friend of a friend or that – with the pounding house music thumping in my ears – she could very well have asked, “Are you the one who lost his Pabst?”
I heard what I heard. And what I heard put a grin on my face the size of a Niecy Nash asset.
In the last seven days alone, the writers for the “Tonight Show” hit up our own Bryan Holt for monologue ideas and “Kate lost hot” has become the new “gym, tan, laundry.” The stakes have been raised, people, and not just because we started gambling on “Dancing With The Stars.”
So as we roll on in to the best week of this young year – a debaucherous sans-school vacation in which many a meaningless ball game will be played, many a beer will be drank, and many an American teenager will be kidnapped – I feel it necessary to once again clearly delineate my expectations for the rest of this semester and beyond.
It is both my goal and purpose in life to build this graphics-challenged little-engine-that-could into an all-encompassing media empire. So, I will not rest until either A) a rabid pack of Tri Delts tramples Bryan in a fit of celebrity-induced hysteria B) one prominent college basketball announcer endorses SC’s own male fertility drug (more on this in a second) or C) No. 32 for the Memphis Grizzlies legally changes his name to Juice Hellmanns.
I will also accept “SPORTS CASUALTIES” written in big chalk letters in front of Library West.
With all this as foreword, I present to you, fresh off another successful comeback show and his own Wednesday post, The Alpha-Chinned One… Mr. Jay Leno! Kick us off, Jay.
[Leno glides onto the stage with an extra pep in his step from a massively successful Tuesday hour with guest Sarah Palin, shakes hands with throngs of adoring fans, and whispers to himself, “Suck it, Dave… Let’s do this.”]
Leno: Now everyone is still talking about New York Governor David Paterson’s decision not to run for reelection in November.
Leno: I don’t know about you Kev, but I sure didn’t see that comin’!
[unhinged studio laughter mixed with a few loud “ooooooooohs” from audience members with blind friends]
Leno: Governor Paterson made his decision after a revelation that top aide David Johnson had been involved in a domestic dispute with a former girlfriend. Paterson then tried to cover up the story.
Leno: Can you blame him, Kev? After what happened with Eliot Spitzer, he was just trying to keep his johnson under control!
[this time more “ooooooooohs” than unhinged laughter]
Kevin: Oh, you mean like his… Right. Right. Got it, Jay.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Leno. That was mildly uproarious, and more edgy than usual. See you next week.
Last Friday, Gatorade announced that it would terminate its endorsement deal with golfer Tiger Woods. Given the brand’s “Is it in you?” slogan, the company just walked away from a gift-wrapped marketing campaign.
News broke Saturday morning that basketball icon Michael Jordan had reached a deal to become the majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. A few things you should know about the purchase:
1) No. 23 was already the head of Bobcats’ basketball operations, but not an official team employee
2) Charlotte’s franchise is $150 million in debt and counting
3) Mike was killing it at the craps tables last weekend
In related news, every college prospect that thinks he has no chance of going in the top 16 is praying the Bobcats make the lottery.
A heads up to all the talking heads and columnist who are clamoring for MJ to sign coach Larry Brown to a long-term extension: Check your Wikipedia. Larry Brown is six months short of 70.
If Brown gets an extension lasting longer than 4 hours, he’ll have to immediately consult a physician.
While we’re in the gutter – and while coach Jimmy Johnson’s ExtenZE commercial airs on my TV for the upteenth time – I’ll take this opportunity to pitch Sports Casualties’ latest idea for our own Levitra/Viagra competitor.
Ideally, we’re looking for both a catchy product name and a prominent senior citizen to sponsor said product. With this in mind, I give you…
Slogan: Yeah BABY!
ARE YOU SERIOUUUUUS?!
In more front office news, on Wednesday’s episode of “The Real World,” Ty Ruff (real last name) rebounded from drunkenly pushing a roommate off a balcony by landing a PR gig with the Washington Capitals.
Given his knack for poor decision-making and anti-social behavior, he should fit right in with the likes of Gary Bettman and Alex Ovechkin, respectively.
As Oscar night approaches, Saints coach Sean Payton took it upon himself to honor the Academy Award-winning performance of legendary actor Daniel Day Lewis.
After a hard day of combine scouting, Payton and his staff went to decorated Indianapolis steakhouse St. Elmo’s and ordered a bottle of Caymus Special Edition cabernet sauvignon, only to be told by the waiter that the final bottle belonged to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
Payton took the cab anyway. When asked “WTF?” by Jones the day after, the crazed coach declared, “I…DRINK…YOUR…WINE!!!”
Turning to cheaters, when formerly disgraced slugger Alex Rodriguez was questioned this week about a suspected relationship with HGH enthusiast Dr. Anthony Galea, the Yankee great said, “I can’t get into that.” Adding, “Wait. Was that an admission of guilt?”
On that note, it’s time for a Friday edition of This Week in Unintentionally Humorous Quotes.
“Tiger home, getting into golf shape.” ~ Tuesday SportsCenter headline
“I’m no fan of filibusters.” ~ MSNBC’s Chris Matthews commenting on Sen. Jim Bunning’s (R-Ky.) address to Congress
Indeed, Bunning, a former Philadelphia pitcher, caused a near riot on Capitol Hill when he held up a $10 billion unemployment benefits bill for nearly five days.
The defiant stand was just more evidence that the 78-year-old has fallen out of touch with Major League Baseball – he’s no longer willing to recklessly throw money at jobless people.
Bunning: reason 1,174 why the Phillies suck.
Staying on the topic of political deviance, Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) continues to fight allegations this week that he accepted paid vacations from a corporate constituency.
Today, Rep. Sandy Levin (D-Mich.) replaced Rangel on the prestigious House Ways and Means Committee, giving a first whiff of credence to Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s campaign promise to “Drain the swamp.”
Nancy, I’d like to say on behalf of Gator Nation: if you go any further, we’re going to have serious problems.
You’ve been great. Here’s your buzzer beater.
“Gibbs releases it in time… AND BURIES THE SHOT!”