If Jay Leno’s Writers Wrote for Us

Hey SC, I'm baaaaack.

To promote their reincarnation of the “Tonight Show,” and to help expose themselves to a more youthful demographic (hmm…), the writers for the Jay Leno comedy hour have asked to take over Sports Casualties for a series of weekly posts. The following is this week’s monologue that the writers, the alpha-chinned one and the perpetually stoned guitarist, were able to put together.

[Leno walks onto the stage, shakes hands with the throngs of adoring fans, who totally weren’t instructed to step forward and shake his hand, and whispers to himself, “let’s do this.”]

A Los Angeles County man was busted the other day for performing a circumcision without any form of a license to do so. It looks like the soon-to-be Los Angeles Jaguars are already lobbying Tim Tebow as their future quarterback.

Did you hear about this? Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is being investigated for sexual assault on a 20-year-old woman in Milledgeville, Georgia. Boy, I tell ya, this is just further proof that Ben does not work well with young receivers.

Kevin: Kind of like that time you had Hilary Duff on the show!

Lizzie McGuire: Skiddish of trips to the "Tonight Show."

Well, they finally tore down old Yankee Stadium this week. You know, there was a lot of speculation about how they were going to do it, but I think they came up with a pretty good solution. Apparently they put in a stick of dynamite for every time that Alex Rodriguez has slept with an older woman.

Kevin: They could have blown up a small country!

Somebody taped paper asterisks to the game plaques in the FSU Sod Cemetary the other night. You see each plaque marks an important road victory in FSU’s history, but there are some wins that have been taken away due to NCAA violations. Boy, it’s nice to see that Steve Spurrier is still taking drunken late night walks through Tallahassee.

Some call it tradition. Some call it misdemeanor.

I tell ya, Kev, the economy is gettin’ real bad. They’re talking about changing the name of March Madness to March Mediocrity and holding it in The Centennial Center, Milledgeville’s finest basketball establishment. [cue “that was funny” music]

Kevin: I bet Big Ben won’t be invited!

This economy is so rotten that baseball players are having to buy their away city mistresses bunk beds instead of their own apartments. [cue “that was funny” music]

Josh Baskin, top-bunk enthusiast.

Times are so tough that prostitutes are now offering all-inclusive coupon books for their NBA customers. [cue “that was funny” music]

David Beckham joined a Manchester United protest of the Glazer family when he sported a green and gold scarf after a match between AC Milan and Man U. Scarfs? See this is a perfect reason why nobody respects the British anymore.

Kevin: Way to stick it to the man, limeys!

Maker’s Mark Kentucky Whiskey came out with a limited edition bottle to commemorate John Calipari’s first season as head coach at the University of Kentucky. That’s nothing compared to the new packs of Cialis that were made to honor Louisville’s Rick Pitino.

This may need to be acquired for purely journalistic purposes.

Come back after the break. We’ve got a great show for you. Later we have a washed-up politician and a singer I’ve never heard of. But up next, it’s proof that newspapers no longer pay editors.

Kevin: I love typos!

Emily Blunt: So that random Googlers stumble across our page.

-Bryan

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