oi upaerwunq0489rtya089pehgfp. No, just kidding. I’m totally sober. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll up, lazy ass.
As I just recently explained to Bryan Holt from my humble abode two blocks down from The U, I forced myself to start this review late Thursday afternoon out of both healthy compulsion and a sense of good time management. Why? You mean other than compulsion and time management? Well, because it’s Spring Break in Miami, and if all goes according to plan tonight, Friday morning will not be the best time to express my coherent (read: any) thoughts on the week that was. And let’s be real, the “week that was” was pretty freaking great. Got to hang with best friends, sip lemonade from a pool chock-full ‘o pretty ladies, bury myself via procrastination under a mounting pile of grad school to-dos. Even got to spend some quality time with the grandparents, something even this hardened heart can’t knock.
Gotta admit: I’m in a pretty good mood. SC’s generating big hits, blog buzz, even a growing Twitter allegiance. Hell, this week alone, we picked up four more followers, which is four more than you picked up (anybody without a Twitter account). Now let’s get down to business so I can hit up The Grove for a dinner of raw fish and vodka spritzers, or as I like to call it, “a man’s meal.”
Early this week, The Philadelphia Inquirer’s Stephen A. Smith reported that Allen Iverson was struggling with gambling and alcohol addiction. ESPN then reported Iverson’s response via Twitter:
“To my fans: you all know that my life isn’t perfect. I am going through some very tough times right now, like I am sure that we all do from time to time. However, I will stand tall like always with “rhino” thick skin. Even though I have become use to people saying things about me that aren’t true, it still hurts. I encourage you to continue your ongoing support and I want you to trust that this is another obstacle in my life that, with God’s help I will overcome. God bless you all.”
Terribly sad turn of events for a guy I’ve always pulled for. But here’s what I want to know: how the hell did he get around the 140-character rule?
Mad props for the tight punctuation, Answer.
In an even more tragic story, child star Corey Feldman died this week of an apparent drug overdose.
On Monday, University of Alabama football visited the White House in honor of the team’s 2009 national championship. Head coach Nick Saban gave the president a No. 1 “Obama” jersey, Heisman winner Mark Ingram shook the president’s hand, and Auburn College Republicans Chairman Allison Kajs just threw up in her mouth a little.
Also on Monday, the UConn women’s basketball team broke the record for consecutive wins by defeating Notre Dame amid a wall of well-deserved media hype. To celebrate the game, ESPN and ESPN2 preempted coverage for William and Mary-Old Dominion and Temple-Xavier women, respectively.
From all of us at Sports Casualties: congrats on 71 Coach Geno.
Bill Clinton expressed his support this week for an initiative that has reduced school shipments of sodas and sugary drinks by 95 percent since 2004. When asked if he’s enjoyed these kinds of beverages from time to time, the former president declared, “I am not going to say this again – I did not have relations with that soft drink.”
Bubba: combating childhood obesity one triple bypass at a time.
It’s been a tough week for Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger, who looked to match his pair of Super Bowl victories with a second sexual assault case. Big Ben did admit to physical contact with the accuser, but alleged that she slipped and hit her head – hence the hospital visit. Now Milledgeville cops are asking for D.N.A. in what is becoming an increasingly fluid situation.
Week in Review without a dirty joke: like Wrigley without the racial slurs.
During last Friday’s Cavs-Pistons game, Quicken Loans Arena put a Snuggie under the seat of every fan in attendance. Hell, this made me uncomfortable. Can you imagine how The King felt? Surrounded by 20,000 white people in hoods?
Bad job by you, Snuggie.
In further evidence that Scott Van Pelt’s Ego has killed Scott Van Pelt and hidden the murder weapon, SVP prefaced a question on his radio show to Warriors rookie Stephen Curry with, “In Ryen [Russillo] and myself, you’re talking to two guys that could both play – ball a little bit.”
SVP then dunked all in Steph’s mug and gave the throat-slash gesture to Spike Lee who was across the studio. If you’re keeping track, Van Pelt is currently third in ESPN’s all-time narcissist standings, but within shouting distance of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann.
Speaking of Olbermann, MSNBC’s Bearer of the Pelosi Flame found himself buried knee-deep in a blogosphere feud with ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons. The two fought over, among other things, who has the bigger social networking following, who is more qualified to use the word “blowhard,” and who is more likely to get fired from his day job.
I speak only for myself – and Bryan – when I say that Sports Casualties backs Simmons 100 percent and will gladly cede this platform should the Sports Guy ever need an outlet to launch more KO invectives.
In related news, SC is considering waging a faux war-of-words with whomever will stoop to our level. The 13 of you who read this will be in on the joke. Everybody else will not read enough to actually be aware of the fake feud, which admittedly presents a logistical problem that we have yet to work out.
Moving to the financial sector, CNBC babe/anchor Melissa Francis tore into the government-backed “Build America Bonds” that U.S. financial companies have exploited to the tune of over $1 billion.
Said Francis, “They’re the definition of a leaky sieve.”
Nothing further to report. Just wanna say kudos to Melissa for using “sieve” apart from “Hurricanes offensive line.”
On Thursday’s “Tony Kornheiser Show,” columnist John Feinstein, explaining how high ticket prices persuade fans of Duke and UNC to stick around regardless of whether their teams gets knocked out early in the ACC Tourney, said, “Sure, there are some Carolina fans who get tickets from Florida State fans leaving or Miami fans leaving…”
John, let me stop you right there. There are no University of Miami basketball fans. And even if they did exist, they wouldn’t be caught dead buying tickets to go to Greensboro in the middle of March.
We have South Beach. Enjoy your snowstorm.
Sticking with basketball, media speculation points to a college coaching return for P.J. Carlesimo at Oregon. Given the Ducks recent history of choke jobs, this seems like a good fit.
Tiger Woods this week reportedly turned down a 5-year, $75 million endorsement deal from Irish bookmaker Paddy Power, though you can’t fault the company for trying. I, too, would bet everything on Tiger.
Quick: three individuals form a partnership and agree to divide all profits equally. X invests $9,000, Y invests $7,000 and Z invests $4,000. If the profits are $4,800, how much less does X receive than if the profits were divided in proportion to the amount invested?
Huh? What? Sorry, that was more random and pointless than asking a football player to answer.
I’m short on time. Here’s your buzzer beater. In the words of Livan Hernandez, I low you Meeami.
“Are you kidding me, Dave O’Brien!?!”