If Jay Leno’s Writers Wrote For Us

Much like March, Jay is ready for madness.

To promote their reincarnation of the “Tonight Show,” and to help expose themselves to a more youthful demographic (hmm…), the writers for the Jay Leno comedy hour have asked to take over Sports Casualties for a series of weekly posts. The following is this week’s monologue that the writers, the alpha-chinned one and the perpetually stoned guitarist, were able to put together.

[Leno walks onto the stage, shakes hands with the throngs of adoring fans, who totally weren’t instructed to step forward and shake his hand, and whispers to himself, “let’s do this.”]

Well there’s really no other place to begin tonight. Tiger Woods officially said on Tuesday that he will be returning to golf on April 8 to compete in the Masters. Not to diminish Augusta National’s tradition, but I have a bad feeling that the Eisenhower Cabin will never be the same again.

Fellow golfer Kenny Perry was excited by the news. “Nice to have our stud back,” said Perry in an interview with ESPN. I think he might have just ushered in a new Tiger marketing campaign.

Did you hear about this? News surfaced on Wednesday that Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington tested positive for cocaine in 2009. Yeah, I guess that explains that new neck-scratching, nose-brushing signal that confused players all of last season.

The manager would like to see you in his office.

You know the NCAA Tournament begins on Thursda…

Kevin: Go Temple!

Alright Kev, it’s really not necessary to interrupt me up here.

Kevin: Who gives a damn! I’m almost out of here!

Anyways, as I was saying, the NCAA Tournament begins on Thursday, and apparently Kevin is pretty excited about his beloved Temple Owls being in contention. I’m still a little sour that Emerson College got snubbed again.

But everybody’s getting into the March Madness spirit. Even President Obama filled out a tournament bracket on Wednesday. Apparently the president picked Arkansas-Pine Bluff to win it all. He was assuming that all of the tournament’s players would be redistributed equally before play begins.

Kevin: Glenn Beck isn’t gonna be happy about that!

Did you see this on Tuesday? Seton Hall lost to Texas Tech in the first round of the NIT, but that’s not what everyone is talking about. Seton Hall’s Herb Pope decided to take rather extreme measures in defending Texas Tech’s Darko Cohadarevic. Let’s take a look.

Kevin: Right in the yam bag!

You know Seton Hall coach Bobby Gonzalez was fired the next day and there’s not much of a mystery why. His vaunted 3-2 crotch chop defense just isn’t cutting it anymore.

There is a bright side for Bobby, though. He has officially been announced as a producer of the next “Jackass” movie.

Champion boxer Manny Pacquiao was scheduled to perform his first American concert in Hawaii this weekend until the show had to be canceled after just 603 of the 8,500 tickets had been sold. Apparently they didn’t try moving the show to 11:35.


Stay tuned after the break, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Later we have some guy that brought animals that will scare the hell out of everyone, and Rachel Uchitel with her thoughts on Tiger’s chances at the Masters. But up next, our flamboyantly gay intern, Ross, goes to a monster truck show.

Kevin: He better watch out for Grave Digger!

Minka Kelly: So that random Googlers stumble across our page.


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