This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.
Grad school. It’s one ugly, unforgiving broad to return home to after a week of neglect and general buffoonery. To pursue this already sketchy analogy would be to compare my post-Spring Break academic schedule to Janet Reno circa Waco.
Does this stop me from crafting thousands of painstaking words on no-names like Craig Kimbrel and Magic Benton? Surely not. Does it stop me from staring glazed-over for minutes on end at a Twitter screen, waiting for that rare stroke of witty genius?
Not for a second.
Yesterday we hit 22 Twitter followers on the back of a godlike Tourney-tweeting barrage courtesy of Bryan Holt. Some guy in the Philippines is hooked. How cool is that? Bryan then took it upon himself to enter “www.sportscasualties.wordpress.com” in ESPN’s Tournament Challenge. Apparently we’re bombing, and I couldn’t care less.
These are the things that make this obscure, semi-compulsive endeavor such a blast – these are the things that allow me to look my Research Methods textbook in the eye and say with both a straight face and not a hint of guilt: Not today, friend. My priorities are just fine, thank you.
Also, I just saw a Braves shirt in Library West. This is awesome, too.
I still would like to see “SPORTS CASUALTIES” scrawled in big chalk letters in front of the library before the end of the semester… if for no other reason than to stroke my already-massive ego. For now I’m content to bang out another week in review, then head to The Atlantic to join the mass of bodies trying to catch its collective balance. Or as the hipsters like to call it, “dancing.”
Former Eagles offensive tackle Jon Runyan announced this week that he will run for New Jersey’s third Congressional district. Philadelphia tailback Brian Westbrook was quick to express reservations about following his lead, citing multiple head injuries.
On Monday, free agent running back LaDainian Tomlinson signed with the New York Jets. Capitalizing on marketing synergies, the Jets front office began offering season ticket holders a free LT-taught seminar entitled “Secrets to Good Body Language.”
Sticking with the NFL, the Cleveland Browns attempted Sunday to swap QB Brady Quinn to the Broncos for a case of beer and a signed John Elway jersey. They got a fullback and a sixth-round pick instead.
Startling news broke this week that the Philadelphia Phillies were considering an attempt to trade first baseman Ryan Howard for Cardinals icon Albert Pujols. The Phillies also tried to trade me for Albert Pujols, figuring, hey, same odds.
A new intro to Subway-sponsored ESPN podcasts surfaced this week with the line, “To thank you for making Subway footlongs famous, now enjoy any regular footlong…” Excuse me. You? YOU?! Happy Gilmore feels shafted. And well he should.
In a Sports Illustrated feature released days ago, Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas said of his gun issues, “I wasn’t using longevity thinking.” I would have gone with “was exercising shortmindedness.”
Big shout out to 11th grade English teacher Shannon Wyss. Love you, Wyss.
On Tuesday, I posted a Braves article to Facebook with the tag, “Another day, another stud.” Some readers mistakenly confused this for an article about Rep. Eric Massa.
During Monday’s “Tony Kornheiser Show,” Tony questioned Cornell basketball’s Tourney seeding, asking, “How dare they give Cornell a 12 and match ‘em against Temple so that Dunphy and his former assistant can play just for television? Cornell should’ve gotten no worse than an 11 and probably a 10.”
Kornheiser: making up for male pattern baldness by splitting hairs.
On the same show, the host – referring to Syracuse big man Arinze Onuaku’s injury – said, “Syracuse should be able to beat Vermont without him, although Vermont beat them once before when they had Tyler Copperwrath.” Co-host David Aldridge nodded his approval.
Somewhere, Catamounts legend Taylor Coppenrath is smiling.
After Tuesday’s airing of the “Today Show” in which Kirstie Alley said “bull****” twice on air in defense of Meredith Vieira’s Scientology criticism, Washington Post reporter Jean McManus defended Alley by telling Kornheiser, “Of course, she is very likeable – I mean, a woman of substance.”
Those substances being Fritos and Pepsi.
On Sunday night, ESPN aired “Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. The New York Knicks,” the latest installment in its celebrated “30 for 30” documentary series. In a related story, Blockbuster this week reported a steep decline in “Do The Right Thing” rentals throughout the entire Midwest.
Spike Lee: Welcome in The SC, not in Indiana.
In an ironic twist of fate, David Beckham’s Achilles’ heel turned out to be David Beckham’s Achillies’ heel. You will be missed, Becks.
Turning now to financial headlines, CNBC anchor Trish Regan on Monday’s “The Call” challenged the notion that March Madness equates to a $1.8 billion loss of productivity, saying, “There are a lot of other things people are doing online.”
Regan was of course referring to men Googling “Trish Regan.”
The University of Florida men’s basketball team improbably landed a 10 seed in the NCAA tournament when the selection committee realized that the NIT does not go 10 seeds deep.
To celebrate March Madness, Jeopardy is holding its annual Million Dollar Celebrity Invitational in which Alex Trebek asks the likes of Aisha Tyler and Anderson Cooper brain-tickling questions like “Quebec?” under “Countries” for $1000. Cheech Marin competed on Thursday’s show, but much like Locke in “Lost,” appeared only as a giant pillar of smoke.
In further Locke news, the mysterious island character revealed to Sawyer in this week’s episode that he is indeed the Smoke Monster, saying simply, “I am the Black Smoke.”
Coincidentally, this is what Rangers manager Ron Washington told people when he dressed up as Texas prospect Justin Smoak for Halloween.
To celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day, University of Miami football held its annual banquet to honor “The Irish Contingent.” Former stars Rocky McIntosh, Darrell McClover, Jerome McDougle, Dyral McMillan, Willis McGahee, Bryant McKinnie and Markese Fitzgerald were all said to be in attendance.
And finally, on the eve of Congress’ historic vote to pass universal health care, I would like to say on behalf of Sports Casualties: Sucks to be you, rich people!
Buzzer beat this.
“As 13th-seed Murray State has pulled off the opening round shocker!”