Text Messages and Booger Sugar: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

"Can't talk now. Will text when i can."

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever.

No extended introduction today, there are far too many vital pieces of awesomeness to cover. I’m back in Gainesville, a city which I just found out had a mayoral election yesterday. So much for awareness of current events. Sorry journalism professors.

My apartment has become completely devoted to March Madness, and my Tiger Woods poster still rests proudly on my bedroom wall. Let’s do this.

Wednesday brought complete mayhem to Gainesville, and not just because everyone was consuming pitcher after pitcher of beer filled with green-tinted laxatives. No, Wednesday was Florida Gators pro day. Pro day is usually a rather quaint event, but on Wednesday, it was anything but quaint. Wednesday was Tebowstock 2010.

Yes, it was the calendar date that scouts had been clamoring for, and Mel Kiper, Jr. had been using for target practice with his paint balls full of piss and vinegar. It was the day that Tim Tebow debuted his new throwing motion after five weeks of mechanics boot camp. The reviews were generally positive. Tebow now has a much quicker release, but still releases the ball too low.

"Nice form." - My Inner QB Coach

The NFL viewed his improvements in high enough regard to invite Tebow to attend April’s draft. The invite was based partially on talent and partially on the need to balance the “good guy” karma in a room that will be filled corrupt agents and future holdouts.

In all seriousness, there was little doubt that Tebow would be invited to the draft. With ESPN trying out a new prime-time draft arrangement, they need personal storylines beyond the first round, and Tebow gives them just that. Plus, with the NFL now inviting 18 players to attend the draft, Tebow was almost a given. If you can name 18 draft prospects more relevant/recognizable than Tebow, you’re most likely either A) a liar, B) a Florida State fan or C) both.

Speaking of liars, USC football coach and not nice girl, Lane Kiffin, made news this week when he was seeded No. 16 in Esquire’s sports division for the “Sexiest Woman Alive” contest. This explains his tendency of random monthly tirades and his strong desire to stop wearing that hideous prisoner-orange color which totally doesn’t look cute with a nice spray tan. The shopping is so much better in Los Angeles, duh!

Kiffin, whose caption reads “Such a pretty girl. Sure raises a ruckus,” is actually on pace to beat out No. 1 seed Natalie Gulbis, currently winning by a 57 to 43 percent margin. No word on if a No. 16 has ever beaten a No. 1 in this contest, but I’m almost certain that this has some sort of historical context.

Natalie Gulbis: She's pretty, but she's no Lane Kiffin.

As already mentioned by the ruthless Leno writers here on Sports Casualties, it was revealed on Wednesday that Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington tested positive for cocaine/booger sugar/Colombian bam-bam/blow/nose candy/yayo/Vancouver 2010 (get it? snow!) during the 2009 MLB season.

Cocaine is no laughing matter, and if you or someone that you love are addicted to it you should contact the Narconon Cocaine Addiction Rehab Center at 800-468-6933.

What?

You thought I was going to make a wise-ass comment about Mr. Washington’s situation? You people are sick and immature.

Sean “Diddy” Combs [insert old white person joke about “oh, is that what he’s called this week!?!] is apparently trying to buy Crystal Palace F.C., a South-London Soccer club that plays in the second tier of English Football. Combs is interested in buying the team because A) it is in danger of going bankrupt, and he claims to be able to cover their debt, and B) he likes their name.

Clearly looks like a soccer kind of guy.

Combs strikes me as a lot of things but fiscally efficient is not one of them. If English fans were angry with the Glazer family for spending their team into an obscene debt, just wait until Diddy starts throwing spinners on the team bus and blinging out the stadium.

It’s NCAA Tournament time which means that, whether or not you like college basketball, you have to spend as much time as possible on a couch watching a never-ending array of games. Why? Because if you don’t you’re not a real American, that’s why.

Filling out brackets makes even the most obscure games seem completely entertaining. I personally filled out three brackets, and each one is already beginning to resemble a bad luge run at the Winter Olympics. Uh, too soon? I’ll go ahead and use my educated guessing abilities to say that Robbie Hilson will use Murray State as his concluding buzzer beater for his later post. Or he might read this first and try to make me look like an idiot. Or will he?

As I began writing this, my beautiful basketball tournament faded to a strange Cheech-inclusive edition of “Celebrity Jeopardy.” Yes, this was written on Thursday evening, and you are reading it via tape delay. Consider this literary DVR.

Using this as a random aside before I hit the main event of the week, I’ve never been a fan of “Jeopardy.” It has that same “The Price is Right” aura about it in that it seemingly has not changed at all since approximately 1922. Same boring host, same boring contestants and same mix of grandparents/stoned teenagers still watching it.

Ken Jennings: Jeopardy Rockstar

I know what you’re thinking. “C’mon Bryan, the words ‘text messages’ are in your title and you haven’t talked about Tiger Woods yet.”

Simmer down, loyal SC reader. It’s time for a grand finale.

On Tuesday, Tiger Woods announced that he will return to golf on April 8 for the Masters, everybody’s favorite golf major. This should honestly be great news for golf fans everywhere. The best golfer in the world is returning to the stage on which he belongs.

People are wondering how he is going to handle this, and how fans are going to respond to him. I don’t really care about how fans respond to him. If anything, there will be some negative reactions and heckling for a while and then it will fade as the victories begin to return. I do however have a way that I would like to see him handle this.

I want him to play like he always has, act on the course as he always has and not give a damn what anybody thinks about it.

People will say that he needs to be more human, that he needs that he needs to focus on the bigger picture, that he needs to be some kind of dean of sportsmanship and kindness on the course. These people are wrong. For years, Woods has been one of the most popular athletes in America and it hasn’t been because he’s personable or loving or a sweet guy.

Fans love Tiger Woods because he is a machine that probably doesn’t care too much about anything other than golf. He has the one-track, determined mind that fascinates spectators. He’s not who he is because he wants to do interviews or let people into his life or make the world a beautiful paradise. Woods is here to win golf tournaments, and he is damn good at it.

The Cold Stare: Why you really loved Tiger Woods.

Woods did become the latest celebrity punchline for Comedy Central’s “South Park” on Wednesday night. As expected, the episode was hilarious and a strong start to season 14 for “South Park.” If you haven’t seen it – and you aren’t easily offended by excessively offensive material – I strongly suggest that you check it out here, after you finish reading SC, of course.

Also, Tiger made negative headlines again Thursday when his text messages were revealed to the press by one of his mistresses. That mistress was Joslyn James, a porn star who probably has a real name, but I refuse to look it up because porn stars obviously aren’t even real people. Much like the “South Park” link, you can check out the texts here, but beware, they’re very NC-17 and not your run-of-the-mill “hey wutsup” text messages.

Tigah Tigah Tigah Woods, y’all!

No “Writer’s Block” this week, I’ve been on a writing binge. Here’s USC’s Song Girls at the pool. Consider it my apology.

If only they didn't have to compete with Lane Kiffin.

What to Watch on Television this Weekend

Because although we live in a country where we are free to watch whatever we want, deep down inside we still want people to tell us what to watch.

NCAA Basketball Tournament – CBS – All Weekend

There’s not really an option. The tournament is great, and the opening weekend is the best part of it.

Have an unhinged weekend.

-Bryan

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One response to “Text Messages and Booger Sugar: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

  1. Pingback: “March Madness” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

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