Still so many questions. Still so many freaking questions.
Would just like everyone to know that I turned down an invitation to watch this with real people so that I could be with you, the 12-year-old digital perv surfing the web for hot pics of Evangeline Lilly. Shame on you, little Jimmy. Either stay off our site or start clicking some more damn links. There are at least 4 SC readers on here at any given time – you’re taking up valuable hosting space. By the way, how ya feelin’ about that Kate photo up top? In a word, baw-chicka-baw-wah. Pervert. Also, here’s another hot picture of Kate.
Sucker. Let’s do this.
I guess the big reveal tonight will focus around Lil’ Dickie Alpert’s inability to age. We’re not talking about “Oh, he looks great for his age” like Diane Lane or Jo Jo White or your friend’s hot mom. No, I mean the guy DOES NOT AGE. (Random aside: what’s it gonna be like for Clark Kent when Lois Lane starts letting herself go? The guy’s the freaking Tim Tebow of superheroes – he can get any woman he wants. You’re telling me those two are living happily ever after? No chance. I’d give that relationship 3 more years, tops, before he’s spotted at some swanky nightclub with Kristen Stewart or Lindsay Lohan. Men are pigs… Come to think of it, I’d ask the same questions of Ashton/Demi. Are they even still together? Gross. She’s gotta be like 58.) Back to Alpert. I say he’s a cyborg and that this entire show has been one massive plug for the yet-to-be-unveiled “Terminator” sequel: “Terminator: Stuck in a Moment He Can’t Get Out Of.” Music by U2.
So we start off with Ilana – of “Ugly Betty” fame – in a body cast in the pre-crash timeline. Jacob comes to her bedside and tells her to protect the 6 remaining Jacob-replacing candidates. So, uh, Jacob knew he was going to die? Bizarre. Must be how Mike Dunleavy felt about his career about 6 months ago.
Back on the island, Richard Alpert – who will hereto forth be known as ‘Lil Dick – gives a rah-rah! campfire speech to the other main characters. Actually, he tells them “we’re all dead” and this “is hell.” Commercial break aside: Top 5 “Hell” songs in no particular order… “Hells Bells,” “Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be,” “Highway to Hell”…
Another fun fact about ‘Lil Dick. Not only does he possess eternal youth, but an innate ability to keep a perfectly coifed head of hair even on a jungle island. Moving on to our first batsh** flashback, The Ageless One is riding horseback a la “Wuthering Heights” to some shack on the island back in the early 1800s. His lady is sick, but as is usually the case with TV, still totally hot. Also, both of the Alperts speak Spanish – problematic since I like to listen and type at the same time. I have no idea what’s going on, but hey, that’s par for the course.
‘Lil Dick then goes to visit The Count of Monte Cristo for help. The count is unwilling, though, and accidentally bangs his head into the table in a struggle with The Ageless One. He’s dead, and unfortunately, so is Miss Dick, aka Isabella. Alpert is sentenced to jail, where he’s visited by a Catholic priest. You know what Catholic priests do to boys like Dickie?
Refuse absolution, that’s what… You sick bastard.
Another commercial break gives me an opportunity to think about more songs with “hell” in the title. So far, I’ve only got three AC/DC tunes. And we’re going to round out the top five with Flaming Lips’ “Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell” and the Meaty One’s “Bat Out of Hell.” They don’t call me “Robbie the Music Man”…
Really, nobody calls me that. To Casualtist Amber, this is for you. Enjoy.
Return to action… I tuned in for “Lost” but instead got a third-rate “Pirates of the Caribbean” knockoff. So far, this episode is a total bust… until the ship Dick’s aboard en route to Devil’s Island runs into the now-just-a-foot Colossus statue. Bad news for the prisoners below deck: the captain is going to town on them with a sword. This is the most one-sided slaying I’ve seen since Lesnar-Couture. You’re welcome, Bryan. I know you’re only skimming anyway.
As I was thinking of clever UFC references (an abject failure), The Black Smoke – aka Ron Washington on Halloween – was busy saving ‘Lil Dick Alpert’s life, an act that would seem courageous if he wasn’t an indestructible black pillar of smoke. As we roll on into the commercial break, I’d like to point out that Kate has yet to appear in this episode. I will make this up to our horndog readership by adding extra hot kate pics. By the way, I’m a big “V” fan, and by “big” I of course mean that I think the main alien and her daughter are totally hot. Also, I hope all these instances of “hot” pay off with extra hits.
As always: suck it, Google.
Back to the shipwreck. Apparently the Black Smoke saved Alpert’s butt and gifted him with eternal life, but didn’t think to unlock the chains. But, hey, his dead wife is back and talking like a hopped-up Pentecostal preacher, gibbering about “Devil! EL DIABLO!” and what not. I’ve yet to explain how Isabella rose from the dead, but really, it’s a moot point because 1) it’s not been explained and 2) she just got killed. Again.
Good news for Dickie A. Not only have I thought of a new way to refer to him, but a well dressed gray haired man has come to his rescue (think Richard from the first “Survivor” during the reunion show). And he’s got keys to the chains. After a little chitchat, he uncuffs Alpert, who upon release feels like Ray Bourque after he was traded to the Avalanche. Says Well Dressed Gray Haired Man (WDGHM): “There’s only one way to escape from Hell – we’re going to have to kill the Devil.” I’m no theology expert, but I can tell you from the horror movies I’ve seen that this is almost impossible. Remember the end of “The Devil’s Advocate”? Yeah, this will end badly.
Back from commercial. Alpert is chowing down on monkey brains, when WDGHM drops this bomb: “I am the Black Smoke.” Alpert’s response:
So the Black Smoke asks ‘Lil Dick to stab the devil with a knife. Again, I’m not feeling this plan – especially since Sayid’s attempt on Smoke Monster Locke was a disaster – but Dickie is a gamer. Surprise of surprises, “the devil” turns out to be none other than our Biblically-named man Jacob. For all those who didn’t go to a tiny private high school, let me point out the symbolism in this interaction: Jacob – by dunking ‘Lil Dick in the ocean and screaming “YOU THINK YOU’RE DEAD, BITCH?!” – is in effect saying, “I am gently baptizing you, my son. Now you will live forever. I am not the devil. I love you. BITCH!”
Commercial break aside: I’ve been warned that this episode goes an extra 6 minutes, which means this post could run a little long. Does that stop me from writing pointless crap like “commercial break aside”? No. No, it doesn’t. Also, to “Lost” fans Amber and Sarika: since I’ve given “dap,” as the kids say, to both of you, I fully expect this post to reach 100 hits by Wednesday night. That is all.
“Are you the devil?” No, Jacob is not. I think I’ve established this. But he is a master analogist (if that’s a word) – he’s likening the Island to the cork in a bottle of wine. It’s basically a “hell” buffer, swallowing up all of the world’s “malevolence.” Jacob asks ‘Lil Dickie – who’s rocking some Jerry Garcia-worthy facial hair at this point – if he will be his intermediary for the people he (Jacob) brings to the island. Sure, why not? WDGHM is less than thrilled when he finds out about this, but says Dickie’s offer to join the Dark Side and revive Isabella from the dead still stands. This show is totally heading for a “Luke, I am your father” moment.
Back in the “current” timeline, ‘Lil Dick’s like, “I changed my mind. Does the offer still stand?” No answer. HOWEVVAH, as Stephen A. would say, Hurley’s been talking to Dead Wife Isabella… Did you ever see the clay sculpting scene in “Ghost”? This is pretty much what’s happening now between Invisible Isabella and Not Invisible Husband. I can’t describe it with any more detail and still keep this post PG-13.
In closing, WDGHM and Jacob have a little heart-to-heart. Jacob passes WDGHM a bottle of wine, which Gray Hair smashes. They both promise to kill each other. Diehard “Lost” fans lose their collective s***. First one to tell me what WDGHM’s real name is, uh, gets a big shout out in the next post… and a digital cookie.
We’re done. But if you still haven’t gotten your “Lost” fix, check out two bloviators go toe-to-toe, theory-to-theory on the 3/5 episode of Bill Simmons’ “B.S. Report,” which you can download here. Also, thanks to Bryan for the word “bloviate.” He has a surprisingly expansive vocabulary for a NASCAR fan.