In a no longer unprecedented move, Sports Casualties will reverse the order of this week’s “Review” columns. Much like when “Sunday NFL Countdown” airs on Saturday, I stubbornly refuse to pull the “Redux” from the title. Bryan Holt will be here when he wakes up.
I’m sitting here on my couch, sequestered in my apartment on a Thursday because I’m pretty sure a hurricane just hit Gainesville. And not like the kind that hit in ’02 – Hurricane Willis was it?
No, I’m talking sideways rains, trees coming down, wind pelting my car with all manner of debris. Naturally, I turn on my TV hoping to find LeBron or a rerun of the “Real World.” Maybe bang out an “Office” recap to bump a crappy day of hits. No such luck. Just a bunch of crazy-ass Americans shouting “baby killer” and threatening to slay each other. People confusing higher taxes with fascism, and egomaniacal coaches tearing into unsuspecting beat reporters.
Didn’t the Nets win?
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this country is going to hell in a handbasket, which means one thing: the Week In Review is going to be freaking awesome.
Let’s do this.
A bunch of old geezers came out of the canasta closet in the last few days to give golfing advice to a guy who could have beaten them in their primes with his left hand. Thank you for the lemonade and tea idea, Arnie. Now go away.
On Sunday, womanizer Tiger Woods spoke to ESPN’s Tom Rinaldi in a five-minute interview that was the golfer’s first since a November car wreck. Quick to point out the format’s drawbacks, Rinaldi told SportsCenter anchor Dari Nowkhah, “I think the first point to make is simple: this interview, in a five-minute limitation, is not conclusive, nor is it comprehensive… nor will it stop so many of the other questions that so many other people hear about Tiger Woods.”
Rinaldi added, “To be honest, Dari, it was a complete waste of everybody’s time.”
SportsCenter’s John Anderson probed Rinaldi as well, asking the reporter, “Why do you suppose Sunday, March 21, he decided ‘I need to visit Tom Rinaldi?’”
Rinaldi’s answer: “I think that’s a great question that’s open to a lot of speculation.”
My answer: “March Madness.”
Still, as most of America was tuned in to more important things, Tiger dropped a few worthwhile nuggets like, “You strip all that away and you find the truth.” He was alluding, of course, to self-denial – not lingerie.
“I got away from my Buddhism,” Tiger said.
Buddhism… Now which one was she?
All kidding aside, before Monday morning’s interview with the Golf Channel, Tiger asked correspondent Kelly Tilghman if she could make another racial slur, you know, to take some of the heat off him.
As March Madness progresses, a handful of under-the-radar mid-majors and small conference Cinderellas have knocked out Tourney heavyweights, opening the door for the likes of Northern Iowa and St. Mary’s. The far bigger development, though, is that CBS play-by-play man Gus Johnson IS CALLING THE GREATEST TOURNAMENT OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!
While CBS’s basketball coverage dominates television ratings, several major stations have turned to counter-programming to lure niche audiences. On Saturday, ESPN and ESPN2 broadcasted college wrestling and Strong Man competitions, respectively, while the opening round of the women’s tournament aired on Comedy Central.
Sticking with college basketball, on Monday’s “SportsNation,” smokin’ hot co-host Michelle Beadle said of her cast’s plans, “Tonight we’re all going down to the basement to eat some more tacos and watch the NCAA women’s championship.”
Geeze. If you’re producer Dave Jacoby, that’s a hell of dilemma to wrestle with. On the one hand, you have Michelle Beadle, in the dark, with free food. On the other hand, you have women’s college basketball.
It’s been a trying seven days for Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Early in the week, head coach Mike Tomlin expressed his concern over a potential assault trial, and on Monday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell scheduled a disciplinary meeting. To make matters worse, pop artist John Mayer spoke to Playboy Magazine about the situation, referring to Roethlisberger only as “sexual napalm.”
Turning briefly now to politics, as celebrations and rural rioting broke out across the nation to commemorate the passage of Congress’ $938 billion health care package, it came to my attention from the caravan of politicians filing through MSNBC that we have a senator named Sheldon Whitehouse.
So, little Sheldon, you were thinking about going into politics?
Turning now to a Whitehouse colleague, Sen. Tom Coburn’s (R-Okla.) penal attempts fell limp – so to speak – as his health care amendment outlawing Viagra for sex offenders failed amid heavy criticism from the Left. Though many are outraged at the pettiness and political posturing of such a move, no one following Congress should be surprised. When these legislative skirmishes start popping up, it’s difficult to keep them down. For the sake of the uninsured, let’s hope this kind of behavior doesn’t last for more than four hours.
As the winter turns to spring, many a roster spot is being heatedly contested in otherwise meaningless baseball games. Braves young gun Tommy Hanson has long secured his position in the Atlanta rotation and so set out on Tuesday against the Mets to unveil his new motto…
Velocity: it’s what’s for dinner.
While we’re here… we’re 100 percent sure that Hanson isn’t the lovechild of Axl Rose?
Unfortunately for readers, Bryan was unable to blog Mets-Braves because of “Spanish homework.” Or as it’s more commonly known, “Dos Equis.”
Moving on, bad weather delayed the grand opening of Minnesota’s new taxpayer-funded stadium. However, the extra days did give Twins management time to tinker with its tentative marketing slogan – Target Field: The House that Danny from St. Paul Built.
Over the weekend, I sued Braves right fielder Jason Heyward when one of his batting practice shots smashed my sunroof.
Sandra Bullock has things much worse than Heyward. The Oscar winner found out this week that husband and biking enthusiast Jessie James has been cheating on her with noted white supremacist Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. Upon this revelation, Bullock promptly phoned the Inglourious Basterds and asked Brad Pitt if he was interested in making a little money.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino said of James’ new lover, “Chill out, Nazi McGee”
Never one to avoid sensitive topics, radio personality and SC favorite Tony Kornheiser added to the discussion by saying of Bullock on air, “How do I say this gracefully? She’s the meat in the sandwich between a porn star and a tattoo model.”
Tony Kornheiser: graceful.
Where does ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons stand on all this? Well, on Tuesday’s “B.S. Report” with TV critic Alan Sepinwall, Simmons said of the new FX show “Justified,” “I’ve always enjoyed the Aryan subplot – I’ve always enjoyed dipping into that world.”
But during the same podcast, he said, “I’m kind of over World Ward II.”
You be the judge.
Rounding out the WIReview with a Keith Oblermann-like special comment, I’d like to say – in complete seriousness – that Sports Casualties is 100 percent behind the part of the country that hasn’t completely lost its mind. We pride ourselves on mild offensiveness, but when it comes to the President of the United States of America – and America in general – we’re all about respect, holmes. So to the people “cleaning their guns” and talking secession and penciling Hitler ‘staches on our president: cool it, or we’re gonna come up there and start kicking ass. You know, in a peaceful, non-violent way.
No buzzer beater, just words from Joe Biden: “This is a big f**king deal.”