The SC Sportsbook: NFL Edition

 

"Kiss my ass, Philly."

A really good way to cover a few “important” NFL story lines in an exceedingly half-assed manner. This was long overdue.

I had something a little more extensive in the works for tonight, but suffice it to say that between the onslaught of Research Methods write-ups and my extended surf on WebMD, I didn’t have the time or patience to do extensive investigation into the life and times of Bob Huggins (read: skim Bob Huggins’ Wikipedia page). But seriously, does anybody have a cure for “arm feels like it’s on fire”? Does this throbbing bump on my wrist mean that I’ve been sabotaged by a spider? In any event, one man’s potentially fatal allergic reaction is another man’s insight on how to place the following bets in Vegas. Let’s play oddsmaker.

__________

"Please God, get me out of here."

Donovan McNabb to the Oakland Raiders

Newsflash: Donovan McNabb is a really productive quarterback saddled with a loser fanbase and a coach who refuses to either run the ball or insert himself at right tackle. The opening sentence of today’s Adam Schefter article reads, “The Oakland Raiders have emerged as the leading candidate…” So right off the bat, you know that somebody’s career is about to end. And in this case, that person could be a 33-year-old McNabb, who’s coming off a 22-10 and 3,500-yard season. The Eagles, as delusional franchises are inclined to do, want to swap him for a top-42 pick in this year’s draft so that they can go out and win a Super Bowl with Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick. Al Davis is pinching himself that he has an opportunity to get a QB for a year that he can pair with the dynamic receiving tandem of Johnnie Lee Higgins and Darius Heward-Bey. Really, this is a perfect situation for everybody.

Pros: Playing in the Black Hole for a year would give McNabb new appreciation for warm and fuzzy Philly crowd; would free up JaMarcus Russell to fulfill destiny as Davis’ kitchen disposal; uncapped year means Raiders could swallow $11.2 million, 1-year contract; Philadelphia’s LeSean McCoy would actually get carries when Andy Reid realizes he doesn’t have a quarterback; Eagles would score the No. 39 pick in the draft

Cons: Would take miracle of God for McNabb to resign in Oakland; they don’t call it the “Black Hole” for nothing; once McNabb is gone, the Eagles will have no reason not to fire Reid when they see that their QB was always the meal ticket (really a pro, but it had a double negative); Raiders could potentially burn second round pick for one non-competitive season with McNabb; Kolb’s career 68.9 passer rating; more opportunities for Vick to be profoundly mediocre

Odds It Happens: 3 to 1

Tebow's welcoming committee.

Tim Tebow to the Buffalo Bills

It seems as though Miami Hurricanes legend and consummate runner-up Jim Kelly has been wining and dining Gainesville’s hometown hero. Or dining at least. On Sunday, Kelly’s wife Jill reported via Twitter that the QB couple ate dinner together in the Philippines while Tim circumcised poor children. That’s not true. What is true is that Kelly took him out for steak in a transparent bid to land the Heisman winner for his former team, the Bills. Scott Norwood was invited, too, but he did not make it. Jill whet the appetites of Buffalo fans everywhere when she Tweeted, “I wish I could say more. If only I were there too! LOL! It was a great night! Now before U go 2 bed – pray for our Buffalo Bills!” She added, “!!!” Buffalo has the ninth and 41st picks in the upcoming draft.

Pros: He’s theirs if the Bills want him – Jacksonville picks 10th; Kelly pulls more weight in Buffalo than a chicken wing; the once-promising Trent Edward is coming off a 7 TD season; the last sentence of Jill’s Tweet suggests that she’s a kindred spirit of Timmy’s; Tebow in Buffalo and Superman in nearby Metropolis would give duo ample time to map future; Buffalo’s loyal, white fanbase would take to No. 15 like a violent rash to my forearm

Cons: Pretty sure it’s against Biblical law to pray for sports teams; lack of arm strength and decimated offensive line don’t bode well for air game in wind-ravaged Ralph Wilson Stadium; never like to see a ‘Cane mingling with a Gator, even if it’s Tim; the last time a UM grad got this involved with a quarterback, he was breaking Troy Aikman’s leg; potential Superman jealousy issues; 9th pick feels like a reach, 41st pick might be too late; draft day maneuvering a contingent issue

Odds It Happens: 5 to 1

Heisman winner/future Nike spokesman

Sam Bradford to the St. Louis Rams

The leader in the mock draft clubhouse for No. 1 overall pick, the former Oklahoma Heisman winner made 60 throws in front of drooling scouts Monday at Sooners’ Pro Day. He didn’t wear the Dri-Fit as well as RoboTim, but then again, he didn’t drop his elbow to his waist on each pass either. Afterward he told ESPN’s Todd McShay, “”I feel like I’m a great player, I feel like I’m a great leader, and I feel like I have a lot of the categories the Rams are looking for.” The kid’s obviously not short on confidence, and at 6’4″, 236 pounds, why should he be? If you tease him, he’ll kick your ass. Still the Rams, holder of said No. 1 pick, seem to have their doubts. Yes, they’re dead set on drafting a QB even though Marc “Great Investment” Bulger is signed for $62 million through 2013. But much like a good Christian girl, Steve Spagnuolo will make Bradford wait until his April 19th Rams workout to make any final decisions. 

Pros: the guy’s a Heisman winner with arm strength who killed it on his pro day – what’s the problem?; hype over defensive tackle/manchild Ndamukong Suh has simmered enough that nobody will accuse Rams of picking Bowie over Jordan; Rams desperate to replace soon-to-be 33-year-old QB coming off 9-game, 5 TD season; Bradford’s accuracy plays well in dome; Jimmy Clausen is not happy about this 

Cons: Bradford’s coming off major shoulder surgery; shoulders are important for throwing; DTs Clifton Ryan and Darell Scott don’t exactly strike the fear of God in you; Suh is sitting right there; DE Chris Long needs major help to avoid the bust tag; Spagnuolo’s defensive background; my arm is still on fire

Odds It Happens: 1 to 3

Suck it, spider.

– Robbie

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “The SC Sportsbook: NFL Edition

  1. Kyle

    Welp, on the plus side, sometimes it’s a good thing when you get bitten by a spider.

    Also, that damn WebMD. Sometimes it’s just mean…

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