Time moves slower on Tuesdays. It’s 9 o’clock. Guess who wants to talk about “Lost.”
Before we get started, I have a couple things to update you on. For all of you who did not have me in your thoughts and prayers last night as I was battling death – aka either a spider bite or bad aspirin – 1) for shame! and 2) let’s just say I woke up looking like an American Gladiator, hung like Greg Oden and shooting web from my wrists… Alright, so the Oden part is a lie, but the rest is 100 percent true. I also want to tell you that if you happen to be a journalism grad student at the University of Florida, don’t expect the school to offer any actual journalism classes during the upcoming fall semester. This would be both logical and practical. You’re in Gator Nation, people – we don’t do logical or practical. So to Bryan Holt, who’s holed up working on some paper that has zero chance of helping him get a job, Ben and Alan who are killing themselves at stats for nothing, my entire Research Methods class, and, uh, me: this “Lost” post is for you. My Spidey senses are heightened. Let’s do this.
We got a Sun and Jin episode in the works. All I can say about this is, HOLLA, HOT ASIAN GIRLS IN LIBRARY WEST! The first scene is brought to you in part by epilepsy inducing night vision goggles, so I could be concussed for the rest of the review. I also might be drinking. Proceed with caution.
So we’re on the island post-crash and the big elephant in the room is still which Kwon’s name is written on Jacob’s cave dwelling. Instead of just telling us straight out, the writers – per usual – make us jump through hoops, or in this case, a flashback to the “crash never happened timeline.” The Kwons check into a hotel room in this universe. But that’s neither here nor there, because back on the island, the night-visioned people are going to town on Sawyer, Jin and crew with poisonous darts. I’d usually finish this paragraph with my trademark dry humor and wit, but a Victoria’s Secret “Naked” commercial is currently on my screen… Priorities.
Of note, the night-visioned “others” stole Jin – the Kwon, not the Bombay Sapphire. Back from commercial, we’re treated to a powwow between Ben, Ilana, Jack and a pissed-off Sun. Jack tells Sun about destiny and the lighthouse and whatnot, but she’s having none of it. “I just want you to go away and leave me alone.” Uh, yeah, that was Sun, not the girls at The Top on Saturday. Back in the no-crash timeline where Jin is a total prude – he checked into two separate hotel rooms – we learn that Sun is totally hot, and kind of a whore. She starts stripping for Jin a la Pants on the Ground.
Back on the island, Smoke Monster Locke uses the lyrics to a Zwan song to tempt Sun into joining his camp. He says simply, “Come with me.” She hauls ass, so I guess she’s not a huge Billy Corgan fan, which is unfortunate… because my ideal woman is Asian and loves the Smashing Pumpkins.
Midway through the chase scene, we cut back to Jin and Sun in the hotel room looking very much like Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts during the first post-sex scene in “Notting Hill.” Not that I’ve seen it or anything. Hey! So get this. Sun has a scratch on her face from ANOTHER timeline, much like our least favorite character Jack. Also, the guys that tried to kill Sayid are knockin’ on the door. They have Papa Johns.
Back on the island, Jin’s trapped in a room that the writers apparently conceived while watching “Saw IV.” Great movie. “Where am I?” he asks. “Room 23,” says the Tina Fey lookalike that also tried to take Sawyer… So DHARMA built a room for The King? Classy move, DHARMA. Classy Move. You know what this means…
I don’t know what Tina Fey Sans Scar’s name is, but she works for Charles Whidmore – not to be confused for Charlie Whitehurst, the former Clemson QB who was inexplicably traded to Seattle for a third round pick despite throwing a grand total of 2 career passes. On the island, Jack says to Smoke Monster Locke: “Pete Carroll is a dumbass.”
After another long commercial break, the hitman breaks into the Kwon honeymoon suite looking for Jin and his $25,000. The hitman makes a series of racial slurs, which doesn’t seem to sit well with Jin, who’s not fond of being associated with “Godzilla.” Especially since he’s Korean.
As if this show couldn’t get any more batsh*t insane, Sun hits her head back on the island and, wouldn’t you know, totally forgets how to speak English. I wonder if Sammy Sosa hit his head before speaking to Congress. Never mind. We got more important things to discuss: namely, a stare down/meeting of the minds between SM Locke and Whidmore in which SM Locke says, “War is comin’ to this island.” I’m pretty sure Cuban psychics were saying this in 1897. Listen to these people, Whidmore. They’re always right.
Sneaky. Sneaky. Sneaky. That’s what Sun is, Casualtists. She once again fakes not being able to speak English (at least, that’s what I think) so that she can have a private discussion in front of everybody with the apparently-Korean-speaking Richard, aka ‘Lil Dick. Back in the no-crash universe, Jin is getting tied up in a kitchen, which means we’re seeing the scenes before Sayid breaks in and start kicking hitman ass. Also of note, both of the timelines are matching up for the first time – Jin’s locked up in both places. I don’t know if this means anything, but I’m trying to bring something to the party besides crappy jokes. Speaking of crappy jokes, Charles “Not a Comedian” Whidmore shows Jin his daughter that he’s never seen before. This is cold, holmes. Colder than Santonio Holmes throwing a wine glass at a helpless woman in a nightclub… The end game in the Whidmore storyline is that he wants to keep all of our favorite “Lost” characters, plus Kate and Jack, from falling prey to Smoke Monster Locke.
Commercial break shout-outs: Emily, Nancy, Brittany… What. Is. Happenin’? Brittany, way to rock the plaid today. ’92 Seattle would be proud.
Commercial break over. Sayid busts in to save Jin from the Hitman. We saw this coming. Literally. Jin finds a gun, and quite graphically for a 9:56 p.m. shooting, busts a cap in the hitman’s eye. Tiny problem: Sun took one for the Kwon team – she’s bleeding everywhere… Back on the island (my go-to transition), Jack shows Sun a tomato. This is a common pick-up line in Korea. Also, Jack is officially the Charlie Rangel of “Lost” – on the winning team, but totally marginalized anyway. Did Jack cheat on his taxes, too?
Sayid “The Impaler” is using some crazy Navy Seal tactics to spy on Whidmore’s people, when he runs into the cool Australian mate from seasons past. I believe his name is Frank Lapidus. Just kidding, overly sensitive, diehard “Lost” fans. It’s totally Eddie Vedder lookalike Desmond. And Desmond – as Sayid’s facial expression can attest – is actually a reason to stick this trainwreck of a season out. See you next Wednesday, Asian fanbase.