Jason Heyward is actually in your computer. He can be two places at once.

Like Tebowisms, except better.

  • At 6’5″, 245, Jason Heyward has surprisingly never hit a home run before. However, many a fastball have stopped dead in their tracks and run 450 feet in the other direction out of sheer terror.
  • In November of 1989, two Dartmouth graduates wrestled a baby boy from a vicious pack of wolves. They called their new prize “Jason.”
  • Long Branch, NJ native Bruce Springsteen still calls himself “The Boss,” but checks in with Ridgewood’s Heyward every so often to make sure it’s okay.
  • Eventually chosen as Baseball America and USA Today’s 2009 Minor League Player of the Year, Heyward struggled to impress scouts at first because they confused him with a bird, then a plane.
  • After Jason smashed the roof of his luxury car with a towering BP shot in Spring ’10, Braves assistant GM Bruce Manno almost confronted the right fielder before thinking to himself, “Nobody’s ever gone manno-a-Heyward.”
  • Sporting jersey No. 71 during spring training, Heyward settled for new No. 22 when numbers 23 through 70 said, “No thanks. I don’t wanna have to live up to that.”
  • Jason Heyward was born August 9, 1989… 7,021 days later, the Philadelphia Phillies captured their second and final World Series title.
  • Though only 20 years-old, Jason Heyward rarely gets carded. But when he does, he pulls out the only known copy of his Donruss Elite Status Auto.
  • A strapping lefty, Jason Heyward does not know the meaning of “opposite field power.” In the eyes of Heyward, all power is equal.
  •  It took Jason Heyward a grand total of 238 minor league games to reach the Big Leagues. It would have been sooner if not for the 238-game quota.
  • Bryan Holt extra: Raised a Yankees fan, Heyward decided that he did not want to play for his childhood heroes when they told him he could not have his very own Monument Park.

Suggestions welcomed. The best will be added. 

– Robbie



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5 responses to “Heywardisms

  1. Kyle

    Jason Heyward actually lost his virginity before his father.

    I’d also like to add that I had my fantasy baseball draft last night and got Heyward and proceeded to abuse caps lock and exclamation points immidiately after.

  2. Pingback: “Jason Heyward” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

  3. QbytheU

    Ray Davies is remastering one of the Kinks’ classics to include the words “…wish I could fly like er…Jason Heyward…”

  4. Pingback: Fantasy Friday. « KyleRancourt.com

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