This is part two in a two-part installment. Please click here to read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.
I am a college student. I don’t keep track of date or time. I know I have multiple projects due in three weeks. This is what I know, and this is all I know. Needless to say, then, that my abject dismissal of the space-time continuum occasionally comes around to bite me in the ass. April 1st is one such occasion.
Upon scouring the blogosphere for Braves Baseball sites on which to shamelessly drop SC’s Heywardisms link, I came upon one Talking Chop and their headline “Braves Heyward to Start in the Minors.” After unleashing a barrage of f-bombs at no one in particular (just kidding, Mom), I came quickly and without forethought to this self-posed ultimatum: quit my fanhood or quit Sports Casualties.
Look, I probably don’t have to tell you how much weight we pull with the mystics. Just in case, here are a couple recent examples of the SC Jinx:
1) On Sunday, I wrote a post entitled, “24, Presented by Jack Bauer.” On Monday, Fox announced the cancellation of “24.”
2) I wrote this on Feb. 25…
And I never thought I’d say this – mainly because he looks like he swallowed Gilbert Brown – but Shaq is actually rounding into shape (no pun intended). He’s notched back-to-back 20-point games on a Martin Gramatica-like 18 for 23 from the floor, and for the year, is averaging a 12-7 and 1 block in 23 minutes per. Not bad for a soon to be 38-year-old with tits.
O’Neal broke his hand three days later.
3) On Feb. 4, Bryan wrote a bloviatorial piece on a USF basketball team that was Big Dance-bound at 15-7. They lost four of their next five games, finished 20-13 and got housed by the Hoyas in the second round of the Big East Tournament.
This is to speak nothing of the Cinderella pieces we wrote featuring Tourney darlings Northern Iowa (lost) and St. Mary’s (lost big), our Super Bowl picks (Colts, in a landslide) or the countless wrestling careers that Bryan’s wrecked in the last two weeks. And now… Heyward.
Anyway, long story short, April Fools sucks. I’m not quitting SC. The girl sitting next to me at the bus stop really isn’t getting kicked out of school (her mom, much like Kobe after the Hawks game, was livid), Diddy is not engaged, and Jason Heyward is not in fact starting the year in Gwinnett. Still, I have greater concerns. Between myself, Bill Simmons, Matthew Berry, and the rest of the drool-spouting media who’ve compared Heyward to the greats and proclaimed the Braves today’s sleeper team, tomorrow’s dynasty, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind we’ve collectively set the franchise back at least a decade. Possibly more. Apologies Atlanta.
The space I’m in with the 2010 Braves is very much the space I was in during the ’03 Fiasco Bowl, and I’m not talking “in the upper deck with a bunch of drunken Buckeyes.” No. This is too good to be true. I have a queasy feeling in my stomach.
And with this reverse jinx, I present to you The Week In Review. How you like me now, baseball gods?
On Friday, Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas was sentenced to 30 days house arrest, two years probation and 400 hours community service for bringing four guns into the team locker room and threatening a teammate. On Saturday, Plaxico Burress – who is still in jail – kicked himself for not living in D.C.
During the same day’s “Pardon The Interruption,” Tony Kornheiser said of Phil Mickelson’s desire to play with Tiger in the Masters, “Of course he thinks that because he thinks he could beat his brains out right now.”
Remember in “Gladiator” when Emperor Commodus knifed Maximus in the ribs, wheeled a wounded Maximus out in front of a hostile crowd, and still got his ass kicked anyway? Take note, Phillis.
On Monday, amid trying times for the Pittsburgh Steelers and their star QB, the team’s Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes was sued for allegedly throwing a glass at a woman in an Orlando nightclub. Some are calling this “assualt.” I call it “walking in another man’s shoes.” Somewhere Atticus Finch is smiling.
There’s a silver lining for Ben Roethlisberger, though. In honor of Big Ben, Peppi’s Subs in Pittsburgh has replaced the original Roethlis-Burger with a full 16-ounce sandwich named the “Roethlis-Pound-Her.”
In more Kornheiser news, Tony said on Monday’s “PTI” of Urban Meyer’s belated apology to the Orlando Sentinel reporter he abused, “He acts like he’s the law in Gainesville, and maybe he is.”
Maybe. But if Urban Meyer was the law, wouldn’t the Gators have fewer than 38 arrests on their record?
(Note: “gators arrested under urban meyer” is actually a Google search term. Go ‘Canes.)
Turning now to politics, a new “enthusiasm” poll by the Washington Post and ABC News revealed Monday that Democrats have a 76 to 75 percent lead over Republicans. While some argue that this is an obtuse measure, the results take on meaning should you consider that 1 percent translates to roughly 1.4 million games of Patty Cake.
This week in funny-how-life-works news, Louisville disciplined head basketball coach Rick Pitino for a season of public fornicating and underachieving by signing him to a four-year contract extension.
In a display of unparalleled class, Sports Casualties will refrain from “extension” puns.
Though relationships between the Eagles and quarterback Donovan McNabb have been all but severed, this week’s trade rumors were great news for ESPN reporter Sal Paolantonio who’s been out of work since the last semi-relevant, Philadelphia-based sports story.
On Tuesday, ABC’s extraterrestrial drama “V” returned after a winter hiatus. This week newcomers to the show discovered that an American New Yorker had been impregnated by an alien, or as it’s more commonly known, “Lou Dobbs’ worst nightmare.”
This week the Miami Dolphins led by owner Stephen Ross petitioned the NFL to move home games from 1 to 4 p.m. to avoid the heat. To many of those familiar with South Florida sports, this doesn’t seem like a particularly worthwhile endeavor.
I mean, nobody watches the Heat.
In statistics-are-getting-out-of-hand news, ESPN’s Bottom Line told us Wednesday that Heat guard Dwyane Wade’s performance against Detroit that night was his “5th career game with 10 Pts, 3 Reb, 1 Ast or fewer.” What Wade was wondering afterward: does the “fewer” apply just to the 1 assist or to the points and rebounds as well?
Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski said Thursday at a Final Four press conference of his shotmaker Nolan Smith, “He’s one of those guys in college basketball that is a very good in-between player – he makes a lot of in-between shots from the three-point to the goal.”
Translation: Nolan Smith can’t shoot the three.
And finally, in further Final Four news, Connecticut women’s basketball coach Geno Auriemma complained this week on ESPN about the lack of public adoration and media attention given to his team that has now won 76 games in a row. Sports Casualties can relate with Coach. Much like Geno, Bryan Holt and myself love to hang around women, are on a 76-post winning streak, bitch about our lack of recognition, and, of course, are huge fish in a small pond. Also, I’m a little scared of Brittney Griner.
My time is running short. Buzzer beater, anyone?
It’s the only one I could find. Obviously.