Kate Lost. Lost Kate. Kate Lost Hot. Evangeline Lilly. Evangeline Lilly swimsuit… As always, you can suck it, Google. I wanna talk “Lost.” Let’s do this.
First, to the cute brunette in Library West: I very much enjoyed that half-hour game of awkward semi-eye contact. I hope I see you again. Niceties out of the way. Island time.
We know right off the bat that this episode follows the life and times of Eddie Vedder impersonator Desmond Hume, which delights me to no end because I have a bottomless reservoir of Pearl Jam references to drop on you as this night progresses.
Good old Charles Widmore is already pissing people off. He’s the first guy Desmond sees upon waking from his time-traveling space nap. And Desmond wastes no time at attempting to decapitate him with an IV stand. Said Widmore upon separating himself from a rabid Desmond: “Ohhh I, ohhhh, I’m still A-liiivvvee!”
Oh yeah. There’s plenty of these coming.
The Widmore Others – led by one Zoe (Deschanel?) – have apparently built a massive time travel machine that one can only assume was engineered proper by my man Daniel Fairskin. Apparently, the kinks haven’t been worked out because somebody just got fried while standing in its beams – think Fourth of July hotdog left on the grill for 45 minutes. Desmond is next in line for the frier. As he’s not a Twinkie, this is an unfavorable situation in which to find oneself.
Widmore seems to think that Desmond has intrinsic qualities that make him conducive to time travel. Basically Marty McFly, but a foot taller and with a Scottish accent, brotha. By the way, this time machine looks like two massive fire donuts on parallel sides of each other. It creates a time-traveling frosting beam that zaps Desmond Star Trek-style into some netherworld.
Flashback time, people. With short hair, Dez looks more like Hugh Jackman, but instead of flirting with Barbara Walters, he’s trying to pick up another hot blonde at the airport – namely, babe Claire. Interestingly enough, the driver at the airport functions as a pimp, offering Desmond women with his car ride. I say “interestingly enough” because this is not Miami. Desmond, in an exceedingly classy move says, “I’D RATHER BE WITH AN AN-I-MAAAA-AAAAAAAALL!”
But seriously, he says no to the ladies, because he’s late for a meeting with budfriend Chuck Widmore. I, for one, saw that coming like I saw Bryan Holt’s mid-blogging beer-grab tonight. And trust me, I saw that coming.
So we’re back from a commercial, and it turns out that the Lord of the Rings hobbit/junkie from earlier seasons is actually supposed to perform for Dez’s lady tonight, and by Dez’s lady, I of course mean, “Daughter Widmore.” This is a twisted web we weave, Casualtists. A twisted web.
So get this. Charlie, the junkie hobbit, was actually dating Evangeline Lilly at one point. That’s on par with Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett if you ask me. Also, Charlie and The Desmeister discuss love, life, choking on a full bag of heroin and other sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll stories. Des says to Charlie, “There’s always a choice, brother.”
This is how Justin Upton tried to talk brother BJ off the Mendoza Line last year. Happy opening night, Rays fans.
You should know, for the sake of visuals, that Hobbit Junkie looks very much like ’94 Thom Yorke, a comparison that he does not take kindly to… because he just drove Desmond’s Mercedes into the ocean. Trapped underwater, Charlie presses his hand to the glass a la Rose in “Titantic.” It reads, hauntingly, “Not Penny’s Boat.” “Lost” expert Amber probably has some clue as to what this means. I, on the other hand, can only think of song titles with “Penny.” 1) “Penny Lane” ~ Beatles 2) “Pennies” ~ Smashing Pumpkins 3) The Mary Kate and Ashley club jam “Get Your JC Penney On.”
Commercial break loose ends: A big Sorry About Your Man Brad Stevens shoutout to Butler bandwagoner/superstar journalists/Casualtist/friend Hilary Lehman, who I promised a big shoutout to about a month ago. I hope this was worth the wait, Hilsworth. At least 63 people will see your name tonight.
Back from commercial. Desmond, at the hospital, can’t seem to answer the “Do you have any hallucinations?” question. Did Des have an experience with bad ‘shrooms, too? I know what question he can answer: “Have you ever been experienced? Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful?”
This tendency for acid trips really bites Desmond in the ass when he’s put into one of those GE CAT scan units. He flips, but then runs into Dr. Jack (not Ramsay, Black, the Ripper, McDowell, Nicholson, Nicklaus… that should narrow it down). And then he finds Charlie running around in a hospital gown, playing an awkward game of semi-eye contact with the hottest nurse in the ER. Made that last part up. Really, though, Charlie’s like, “Is your name Michael Diamond?”
“Nah, mine’s Clarence,” says Desmond, before running after Penny.
This alternate version of episode 11 brought to you in part by insomnia, in association with Beastie Boys lyrics. Also, did “FlashForward” hijack the entire cast of “Lost”? Because in all seriousness, I can’t stomach another hour of Junkie Hobbit Charlie.
Another big reveal: Mrs. Widmore, who’s gotta be about 20 years older than the already older-than-water Mr. Widmore, is totally in this episode. And that’s really all I can say about that. I can also say that this is definitely an instance of TV magic – there’s no way in hell a couple as heinously wrinkled as Mrs./Mr. Widmore could spawn the vixen that is Penny “I’m Also in ‘FlashForward’ Hume. Ms. Widmore explains to Desmond that he’s not ready to see “the list.” This is exactly what George Mitchell said to Bud Selig.
George then erased Albert Pujols’ name, and proceeded to show Bud the list.
Desmond storms to his limo, (much like Bryan Holt) pounds a shot of Jack, and rolls down his window to greet a Neil Young-circa-1972-looking Daniel Fairskin. “We need to talk,” says Fairskin, who also claims to be the son of the Widmores… Just got a “V” commercial with alien sex. Lou Dobbs is frowning upon this.
“Do you believe in love at first sight, Mr. Hume?” Fairskin asks Desmond… Well, do ya, punk?
Funny thing. Musician Fairskin woke up to find a bunch of quantum mechanics written in his diary, only he doesn’t know anything about science… in this life. Seems like everybody’s starting to “flash” now, and all of a sudden, this show has become, uh, “FlashForward.” To me, this is a more barefaced attempt at marketing synergy than ESPN’s Easter “Boston Day, For Catholics Only,” which was mildly offensive to me, an avowed Protestant. Shame on you,Worldwide Leader.
Daniel Fairskin tells Desmond where to intercept his future wife, Penny. They meet in a soccer stadium. Wayne Rooney introduces them. Back from the flashback, a reinvigorated Desmond is totally cooperative after being zapped by the double donuts… which is good, because he just got re-kidnapped by Sayid. After another flashback to the stadium, Desmond asks Penny out to coffee (double donuts, anyone????). She accepts. He then goes back to his limo and asks his driver, Harry Shearer, to find the passenger manifest from Flight 815. Cue horror movie violins… Why is this important?
Because much like Eddie Vedder, Desmond is given to fly.