This is part one in a two-part installment. Like I’ve said before, the “redux” stays. Bryan Holt will get here when he gets here… Something about a “fact finding project.”
I’m not gonna mince any words here: school’s got me by the balls. And by the balls is how it will have me for the next 15 or so days. I spent this week interviewing art head honchos about their lack of funding (quite frankly, not concerned), designing a curriculum for a blogging class (will never materialize) and operationalizing variables (uh, still not sure). I have this exact same schedule till late-April, and as you can tell by my muted vitriol, I’m about as pleased with this as Bryan is with Rafael Soriano…
So let’s all take a moment to say a big thank you to Braves right field phenom Jason Heyward – the great eradicator of piss and vinegar, the guy that drowned out an entire seven days of Tiger feebleness, “Lost” hysteria and Gator zombie hunting (can’t explain). Jason – “The Destroyer,” as I’ve settled on for now – cracked a 450-foot laser beam into Turner Field’s right-field bullpen in his very first Big League plate appearance. This has happened four times in 30 years.
You can imagine my unadulterated elation upon seeing with my own two eyes that Atlanta’s Moses figure is in fact as big and scary and powerful as every Tim Kurkjian says – that the crack of the ball off his bat does indeed sound very much like a gunshot, or better yet, the backfire of a ’68 Chevelle.
I believe my subsequent 140-character outburst went something like this:
7:50 PM Apr 5th via web
Actually, it went exactly like that. My apologies in advance. You will have to deal with such random acts of nonsense all summer long. I know it’s childish. I know I shouldn’t put all of my hope and dream eggs in one basket after a couple games. And I know I shouldn’t be so unabashedly fixated on a kid who still can’t legally buy a beer. But, damn…
“LETS GO HEYWARD” ~ The Official Chant of SC
While we’re on the topic of chill-inducing exploits, anybody see King Arnie’s downhill bomb for birdie in the Par 3 competition on Wednesday? Just sayin’, if you didn’t get goosebumps, there’s a good chance your goosebumps are broken.
A final thought before we get going: Tiger. I’m sitting here on my couch on a Thursday afternoon looking at a guy that looks very much like the guy I remember from 5 months ago, 5 years ago, from the 1997 Masters. He’s hunting pins, spinning club-heads, cursing under his breath, and in general, being Tiger Woods. All is right in my world, and as I’m writing, he’s walking up to the 16th green after an eagle to go to -4. Verne Lundquist offers, “And here’s one of the best.”
No, Verne. The best.
You’re watching history this week, people. Soak it up. You will never see anything or anybody like this again.
On the March 31 episode of Bill Simmons’ “B.S. Report,” longtime friend and diehard Yankee John O’Connell said of Alex Rodriguez’s breakup with Kate Hudson, “You never know. He could be happier sampling different things everyday.” You may or may not have read that A-Rod and I actually went to the same high school. Now I’ve found a second similarity…
Unfortunately, Research Methods requires that I sample Times articles. Not women.
In a tremendous blow to Scott Van Pelt’s Ego, Scott Van Pelt led ESPN 2’s coverage of the LPGA Kraft Nabisco Championship that aired during the Final Four on Saturday. Paul Azinger’s Ego, also part of the crew, was deflated as well…which was a good thing for analyst Judy Rankin, who would not otherwise have fit into the booth.
In what-the-hell-was-I-thinking news, on Sunday I almost wrote about women’s college basketball.
After the UConn women topped Baylor in the Final Four, ESPN analyst Carolyn Peck told Trey Wingo, “It’s like Batman and Robin with Tina Charles.” You know, if Charles and Maya Moore are indeed two male crusaders, that would go a long way in explaining the 78-game winning streak.
UConn’s tight Tuesday victory over Oklahoma capped a second straight perfect season for the Lady Huskies. As ESPN will constantly remind, this leaves the team just 10 victories shy of the UCLA men’s record 88 consecutive wins. Sports Casualties, for its part, is roughly 10 hits away from matching the DOW’s all-time high. But, really, that’s not a legitimate comparison either.
Somewhere, Lew Alcindor is thinking, “That crazy white boy is EXACTLY right.”
Somewhere else, Bill Walton is smokin’ tree.
Two days after Duke outlasted Butler to win the NCAA championship, ESPN’s Josh Elliot teased the following SportsCenter segment with, “Mike Krzyzewski won a title for the fourth time – find out why this one feels better than all the rest.”
I didn’t stick around the 90 seconds to find out, but I imagine the answer was something along the lines of, “Because now I can go coach LeBron and still look myself in the mirror.”
Just joking, Coach K. We kid because… a Russian mobster just offered you $15 million/per to run the Nets.
In pot-kettle-black news, discount carrier Jet Blue created “Wear Your Luggage” ads to poke fun at competitor Spirit Air’s new $45 surcharge for overhead luggage. Jet Blue did not, however, unveil any ads depicting passengers waiting on the tarmac for 10 1/2 hours.
Tiger kicking ass: A tradition unlike any other.
Hours before Tiger’s 2 p.m. Monday press conference, Yahoo! search showed “Evan Turner,” “Undercover Boss,” “Ron Artest” and “Jessica Alba” trending higher than “Tiger Woods.” On Tuesday, Yahoo! conceded that even it uses Google.
If you happened to miss the Monday media interview, here’s what we learned: Jet-setting around the world with beautiful women, playing the country’s best golf courses, and making millions for your troubles is…
Woods: Destroying the competition AND the American Dream.
Seriously, though, let me know when you’ve had enough. I’ve got 2o of these.
During Monday’s 6:30 p.m. edition of “Golf Central,” the Golf Channel’s Scott Walker told analyst Alex Miceli of Woods, “He spoke about trying to connect with his fans in a more substantive way.”
Let’s talk politics. While rightfully skewering Right Wing radio personalities for their lack of objectivity in the wake of health care’s passage, “Hardball” host Chris Matthews speculated on Tuesday’s show, “What would it be like in this country? Calcutta? Poor people all over the streets?”
I mean, yeah, I would have tried to work “Bubonic Plague” in. But “Calcutta” works. When I think of America three weeks ago, I think “poor people all over the streets.” Good call by you, Chris.
Don Nelson became the all-time winningest regular season coach on Wednesday when his Golden State Warriors topped Minnesota 116-107. ESPN analyst Avery Johnson said of the coach, “He has unconventional methods.” (Read: “has a deep-seated hatred for defense”)
There’s something to be said for longevity. There’s also something to be said about a 75-91 career playoff record and zero titles. Nellie: The Phil Niekro of NBA coaches.
My time is short. Plus the Masters is on. Tiger’s on the leaderboard, and for the first time since the ’09 PGA, I have something important to do on a Friday afternoon. Suck it, school. Here’s your buzzer beater.
The one that got away.