Opening Day and Bootyism: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

Behind the gate.

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever. To read Robbie Hilson’s far more thoughtful take on the week, click here. I’m sure it will delight all of your Jason Heyward man-crushes.

I have zero business writing a week-in-review right now. I know most people don’t enjoy reading others bitch and moan about school, but Robbie did it, so that means that I can, too.

First off, major shout out to Scott Plakon, Florida State Representative for District 37, and a man whose life has completely consumed one of my favorite sporting weeks of the year. This is because of a final project for my Fact Finding class in which I must tell Mr. Plakon’s life story through public records searching.

So Mr. Plakon, tell your son Timothy to stop crashing his 2006 Kia in DeLand, and renew the registration on your son David’s 2005 Chrysler already, dammit! I’m sorry that you couldn’t get that ban on novelty lighters passed last session, but good luck getting Lake City Community College renamed as Florida Gateway College. It sounds like a noble cause.

Also, I’m pretty sure you are the only life member in NRA history without any traces of hunting or fishing licenses. You’re quite the outdoorsman. Now skidaddle along and enjoy your $6,057,096.63 of net worth. I’ve got more enjoyable work to do.

Scotty on the left.

Let’s do this.

Depending on what religion (err…team) you follow, you either celebrated Major League Baseball’s 2010 Opening Day on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday. Opening Day[s] is one of my favorite times of the year. When else can the Pirates play to a full house on Monday, and a lone spectator doing his best Dr. Robert Neville impression on Tuesday? When else will you see Steven Tyler sing “God Bless America” alongside dime-piece daughter, Chelsea, who looked as if she was preparing to carry her father off stage after a drunken karaoke rendition?

Sticking with baseball, veteran umpire Joe West had critical remarks for the Yankees and Red Sox after their season-opening series. West said that the teams were “a disgrace to baseball” for the extremely slow manner in which they play the game. the games during the opening Yankees-Sox series played at an average time 40 minutes longer than the league average.

In the spectrum of well, this doesn’t really have anything to do with you but please talk anyways, Yanks closer Mariano Rivera had the following comments:

“If he has places to go, let him do something else. What does he want us to do, swing at balls?”

That’s right Joe West, unless you have urgent plans, there is no reason why you should not be thrilled about spending hours upon hours with baseball’s two most hated teams. In other news, apparently the Yankees have given Rivera a spot in the batting lineup.

Slugger

In the un-shocking move of the week, Tim Tebow was announced as the cover athlete for EA Sports’ NCAA Football 11.  Rumors of “walk across water” and “turn water into wine” play modes are still looming.

In Monday’s Great White Man [and Nolan Smith] battle, known to some as the NCAA Men’s Basketball Title Game, Duke was victorious over Butler in a thrilling contest that was nearly won by the Bulldogs on a last second half-court shot. Although the loss was hard to take for Butler, there are plenty of positives to take from it. They were able to give their school national exposure at a level that they have never received before, they likely increased 2010 application numbers by a huge amount and coach Brad Stevens hit puberty with roughly 12 minutes left in the first half. What a night.

In baby-making news, Brett Favre became a grandpa when his 21-year-old daughter Brittany recently gave birth to a son named Parker Brett. It looks like Aaron Rodgers finally got the best of old No. 4.  It will be interesting to see how Parker Brett gets along with Percy Harvin’s grandchildren should Brett return to the Vikings next season.

Let’s talk about cardiac arrest.

On April 12, KfC will be debuting their plan to kill the world.  It is called a “Double Down,” and it is a breakfast sandwich. A breakfast sandwich with a unique choice of bread. And by that, I mean that in the place of bread is two pieces of fried chicken. Now if you’re like me, you’re thinking “Wow…that sounds delectable.” This is obviously the brain child of an Eric Cartman wet dream.  Will I be trying one? Absolutely, especially if they serve them all day. But eat at your own risk, Casualtists. We only have so many readers and we’d hate to lose any of you in a KFC-related tragedy.

Yes, it's real.

Finally, Thursday was the beginning of four of the best days  in sports, The Masters.

Now apparently, this year’s tournament is a big deal. After 144 days of carrying a civil rights policy similar to that of Jim Crow Era Georgia, the PGA finally let Tiger Woods return to playing golf, integrating golf for the first time since November 15, 2009 (or something like that). It’s been a  long time coming. You’re not fooling me, old white guys.

What’s that?

Okay, I’ve just been informed that the reason why Tiger Woods has not played golf in 144 days is because he’s quite the ladies man. Who knew!

Woods took the course at August National yesterday and looked as if he’s as good as ever. He was a few putts away from having an all-time great day in a round that was already his best every Thursday score at The Masters. I know this because Scott Van Pelt informed me of it over and over again on the west coast Sportscenter.

One can likely attribute Tiger’s great round to his 1:42 P.M. start time which gave him plenty of time to sleep off Wednesday night’s festivities. Tiger received a beyond pleasant reception from the crowd (err…gallery) at Augusta National. However, the reception was not so kind in the sky where an airplane with toys (as I called them as a toddler) flew overhead carrying a message that read:

Haha! I get it it’s like Buddhism except it’s Bootyism! Because of all the cocktail waitresses! Good one!

Revenge, thy name is Jesper Parnevik.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

Michelle Beadle, duh.

I know, I’m late on this. Oh well.

Tweet of the Week

Because too much television makes you fat and undesirable, but too much Twitter just makes you unproductive and socially awkward. Follow SC on Twitter, the awesomeness of your life depends on it.

This week’s Tweet of the Week comes to us courtesy of the one and only Texas Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Yes, we follow Stone Cold on Twitter, and you guessed it, it was my idea. In one of the more shocking revelations of my short time using Twitter, Stone Cold tweets, and he tweets a lot. Some are about his new-found acting career, some are commenting about wrestling and some are just drunken rants that are occasionally incoherent but typically entertaining. I believe this one falls in the last of these three categories.

steveaustinBSR wow this shark skin jacket is making me do strange things…i just bit the mail mans leg off…

And that’s the bottom line…

Happy Masters.

-Bryan

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