Much like Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse six months ago, I have absolutely no idea where this show is going.
Thanks to you, the loyal Casualtist, we’re now six algorithm-busting “Lost” recaps into the season. As your unfettered enthusiasm inspires me to new literary heights, you can be reasonably assured that Sports Casualties will be the go-to destination for all your Jack and Kate Plus Eight news for the remainder of the season. Here’s what “Lost” Recap fans are saying:
“You’re ripping apart so much that I hold dear, Robbie. So. Much. Fact checking. Needed.” ~ Sarika
“Seriously, though, ‘Not Penny’s boat.’ Nothing? How do you not remember that?” ~ Amber
“Everything the above said.” ~ Tom
“That was the most stupid bunch of cr@p I ever read! Why do you bother?? You are clearly not a fan, and no one is interested in you making fun of a show you can’t possibly comprehend, you obviously are not intelligent enough to understand any of it!! ROFLMAO!!” ~ Dee
“If you dig the main chick from ‘V’ you should check out Firefly/Serenity. The show was cancelled after one season because Fox decided to air the episodes out of order. But she looks a lot better with long hair and she plays a prostitute. So, um, yeah.” ~ Kyle
As you can see, SC “Lost” coverage has been an unqualified success, no thanks to the 13-year-old perverts who frequent our site looking for soft-core pics of Kate (click here). Island time. Let’s do this.
We know right off the bat that Hurley is a huge fan of the KFC Double Down. In fact, he’s something of a fried chicken visionary, or so we’ve been led to believe by the opening Colonel-inspired slide show. After being honored, Hugo’s hot latino mother, Madre Hugo, scores Big Hurley a date. I hope it’s with Karen O. That always been my dream – for my mom to score me a date with a hipster princess.
That was the side flash. Now we’re on the island where we find out that Karen, or whomever the date would have been, uh, is dead. But good news, Diversity! You’re lone black character is back to save the Islanders! That would of course be the star of “Matrix Revolutions,” Link. Or as he’s known to me and you, Harold Parrineau.
Apparently Harrold – or Michael Dawson as he’s known to Jack – is a figment of Hugo’s imagination, much like my arts position paper is still a figment of my imagination. Remember that total out-of-his-league blonde from the island? She’s back, and her name is Elizabeth. She’s jabbering on like Gilbert Gottfried at a Comedy Central Roast and, just like GotFried, is an inmate at the Santa Rosa Mental Hospital. That’s “Santa Rose” Mental Hospital for all you non-Miami natives.
After a huge explosion rocks the island while I was trying to figure out how to translate “Rosa,” Smoke Monster Locke, Sayid, Kate and Sawyer privvy us to a group powwow, after which Sayid leads SM Locke to the sixth member of Pearl Jam, Desmond Hume (in the foreground). Unfortunately, Sayid couldn’t find a better man, so he tied Des to a tree. You know what I always say, “It’s better to be tied to a tree than to smoke tree… before writing a ‘Lost’ Recap.”
Commercial break shoutouts: chin up, Ben and Alan. Our Methods paper isn’t nearly as disastrous as this post.
Back on the island, I’ve found out that Ilana just blew up in the massive dynamite explosion. To celebrate, Hurley orders a bucket of Mr. Clucks chicken in the sideflash timeline… and washes it down with a conversation with Desmond.
I’m going to offer something groundbreaking right now: Des is totally the new Jacob. He’s fulfilling all of Jacob’s roles, except with a deep baritone and better looks… so I’m told, by the ladies. I personally have zero preference. Zero.
In the island timeline, we find out that Chuck Widmore zapped Des “with experience.” I wish Bobby Cox could do this to Axl Rose lookalike Tommy Hanson. Of more importance, we find out that Smoke Monster Locke might actually be Locke Locke (as in the guy that did more for the Shaved Head than Michael Jordan and Bruce Willis combined, not the philosopher). Also, something else just blew up – and given that this is circa 2004, I’m guessing it was either Usher’s “Yeah” or the Yankees bullpen in the ALCS. One or the other.
More shoutouts: Taylor, if you’re still reading, you have a higher pain threshold than I do. Kudos.
Michael told Hurley to detonate the remainder of the dynamite so that the rest of the islanders couldn’t blow up the plane. Strong move. “Dead people are more reliable than live people,” Hurley says. Especially if the live person is John Edwards and the dead person is Lou Gehrig. Back in the mental hospital, the hot blonde tells Hugo that she dreamed of a plane crash, that they were in love, that she’s seen the future. If Tom Hanks would have had this same dream, he probably wouldn’t have gotten on that doomed FedEx flight… and you wouldn’t have had to sit through a 2 1/2-hour movie with Helen Hunt.
Good for Hurley. He totally mans up and asks the crazy woman out on a date. I’ve done this several times.
“There’s nothing special about me, brotha,” Des says to Locke. “This island has it in for all of us.” Then, out of nowhere, a ghost boy appears. Is that you, Jeffrey Maier?
Meanwhile, Hurley lays down an ultimatum for the Ageless Wonder “Not Diane Lane” Dick Alpert: Blow stuff up or come with me. Jack’s got Hurley’s back – they’re going to find Locke. The 13-year-old version of me opts for blowing stuff up.
Says a green M&M during a commercial, “Boys, it’s all about the poles.” That sounds dirtier than a Longoriaism.
Sun and Frank are also in the Hurley/Jack entourage, and Sun still can’t speak English after a vicious bump to the head. Jack tells Hurley that he can’t ever fix Juliet’s death. This is exactly how Leonardo DiCaprio felt just a handful of films after “Basketball Diaries.”
After a heartfelt talk between Michael and Hurley, we’re jettisoned to the sideflash timeline where Hurls and the blonde are having lunch on a sandy beach. SOUND FAMILIAR!?! Foreshadowing, Casualtists. Or backshadowing. Sideshadowing. Whatever.
Hugo: “Why do you want to be with me?”
Blonde: “Because I like you.”
I’m sorry. We were looking for “because you’re rich.” But in all seriousness, an intimate kiss brings back all kinds of alternate universe dreams. “If you die in your dreams, you die for real,” says a character in the “A Nightmare on Elm Street” trailer. Does this apply to “Lost” as well? Much like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsy Pop, the world will never know.
Bad job by you, J.J. Abrams.
Now then, Locke escorts Des to a well – the same hand-dug well that causes compasses to spin in circles. “Why aren’t you afraid? You’re out here in the middle of the jungle with me, the only person who knows you’re here,” Locke tells Des before pushing him into the well. Geeze, most unceremonious canning since Josh Homme dumped wildman Nick Oliveri from Queens of the Stone Age. Brutal.
Moving on… I just got chills. Hugo calls his friends out of the woods. Jack confronts Locke face-to-face for the first time in weeks. And Jack looks pissed – much less generous than when he offered to pose for the cover of the Arctic Monkey’s debut.
During the sideflash, Des mows down a crippled Locke in a brand new 330i. How’s that for product placement? BMW is not happy. Neither is Ben Linus, who just got blood on his new V-neck vest. See what I did there? “V”?
Please send questions, complaints, hate mail and Covering the Arts position papers to firstname.lastname@example.org. The latter would be much appreciated.