This is part one in a two-part installment. Much like when “Sunday NFL Countdown” airs on a Saturday, I stubbornly refuse to pull the “redux” from the title. Stay tuned for Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. It will be typically glorious.
I can see the light, Casualtists. And not the kind of light Larry King and Hubie Brown will be seeing any second now. No, I’m talking about that blazing beacon of freedom that is April 26, my first official day of summer. Starting two Mondays from now, Sports Casualties kicks into high gear for an endless stretch of globe-spanning, kick-ass coverage. And when I say “endless stretch,” I of course mean “about 10 days” – at which point I go back to school and Bryan goes to work. The life of a college blogger is a hard one, friends. The hours are long and it’s only socially acceptable to drink six nights out of the week. Alas. But my promise to you is also CC Sabathia’s take on barbeque: I’m gonna suck it up. And in all seriousness, thanks for reading – the progress we’ve made over a mere semester is enough to give Bryan the inkling that we can actually cover beer money with this thing. And Bryan’s not a lightweight. Your clicks mean the world to us – even if you’re a 12-year-old looking for hot pics of Kate.
Enough empty praise. Let’s do this, Casualtists… before I go all Dick Vermeil on you.
Though finishing fourth at Augusta after a nearly 5-month layoff, Tiger Woods noticeably struggled with his swing and short-game touch all week. After carding a 70 on Friday, Woods told media members of his post-November practice routine, “It’s very similar to what Hogan was going through coming off the accident.”
Totally agree… Was Hogan driving an Escalade, too?
On Sunday, new Phillies acquisition Roy Halladay pitched 9 innings of 7-hit ball to edge the Astros 2-1. “I don’t think about going the distance,” Doc told reporters afterward, adding, “I don’t think about anything. At all. Ever. I’m actually a cyborg sent from the AL East to destroy the National League.” When asked whether he’d ever consider switching leagues again, Halladay said simply:
Also on Sunday, home run king Barry Bonds was set to attend San Francisco’s day game with Atlanta to commemorate the 10th anniversary of the Giant’s 2000 team. Bonds, however, showed up later than expected after experiencing difficulties fitting his head through stadium gates.
At the time of writing, ESPN is reporting that Tracy McGrady will not play unless he can “regain his form.” T-Mac is of course referring to “make eight figures by sitting on the bench in street clothes” form.
Rentals of “The Longest Yard” skyrocketed in Pittsburgh after Steelers WR Santonio Holmes’ trade to the Jets this week, as cheated fans turned to fictional criminals Paul Crewe and Deacon Moss to give them some idea of what the Roethlisberger-to-Holmes connection would have been like.
Upon news of the trade, Manhattan night clubs collectively filed a motion to insure all glassware.
Sticking with Pittsburgh, in his first public appearance since involvement in an alleged sexual assault, aforementioned Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger announced to national media Monday that he has hired ESPN analyst Barry Melrose to cut his hair.
Milledgeville police – who suspected that assault did indeed occur – weren’t able to prosecute Big Ben because the DNA sample was too small. But look at the bright side, Smalltown Georgia: at least you don’t have to pronounce “Roethlisberger” anymore.
Black Monday was also the day the Texas Rangers demoted 30-year-old closer Frank Francisco after an underwhelming first week. On Monday night, the Alias Sports Bureau confirmed that this was the fastest anybody had ever lost his job without the help of theft or alcohol.
Turning now to celebrity news, Conan O’Brien’s surprising move to TBS figures to shuffle the station’s late night lineup, as Frank Caliendo will most likely move to the 10 p.m. slot and George Lopez will most likely move to Mexico.
In non sequitur news, are we 100 percent sure that Mike Holmgren isn’t the forbidden lovechild of William Taft?
Commercials airing this week for SC’s favorite new sandwich the KFC Double Down unveiled that the fast food chain is offering the item as a grilled option… the ordering of which is like splurging on a four-carat diamond with a plastic band.
Go the extra mile, Fat America. Go the extra mile.
If there was ever any doubt that Jeremy Shockey wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, this week the colorful Saints tight end asked for personal video submissions via Facebook of women who would like to win a date with him. If this kind of ingenuity isn’t a plug for University of Miami education, I don’t know what is. Take note, Donna Shalala.
On Tuesday’s “Pardon the Interruption,” new Redskins acquisition Donovan McNabb told Mike and Tony, “Initially when the trade happened – and I had the opportunity to be here with [coach Mike] Shanahan – I thought it would be an outstanding thing because of his track record and the things he’s been able to accomplish with young quarterbacks, as well as older quarterbacks.”
McNabb added, “And he had one year of uncanny luck with a flyer sixth-round pick that turned into a 2,000-yard runner.”
Wednesday morning, Dolphins fans rejoiced as the team landed star receiver Brandon Marshall in a trade with the Broncos. Some Miami natives think Marshall is the straw that breaks the camel’s back – the camel being the New England Patriots, not the South Florida penal system.
Marshall 2010 fantasy prediction: 84 catches, 1290 yards, 1 DUI.
Turning briefly to politics, Michelle Obama this week chose Mexico as her first destination abroad as first lady. No truth to the rumor that the White House is looking for a new secretary of landscaping.
Just joking, Mexico. We kid because… we figured, hey, already pissed off Canada. Might as well polish off the continent.
After cell phone cameras captured Cowboys owner Jerry Jones besmirching Tim Tebow’s good name in a bar, SC co-author Bryan Holt tweeted, “Jerry Jones still has his heart set on drafting Johnnie Walker in the third round.”
I know this was meant as a shot at Jones, but as a longtime Cowboys fan, I think Bryan’s definitely on to something. Walker would be a much better investment than Roy Williams. The difference between the two is cut and dry: Williams gets knocked on his ass. Walker knocks others on their asses.
And now, without further ado, it’s time for the hit feature that’s sweeping the nation…
RIPPING JIM NANTZ A NEW ONE
On April 13, Nantz joined Bill Simmons on the hit ESPN podcast “The B.S. Report,” a courageous move considering Keith Olbermann had just poisoned him with Ego Juice. Here’s what we learned from the conversation: CBS’s head announcer is an enormous dick, and not in the Greg Oden sense.
Nantz railed on Tiger Woods for his alleged poor behavior, his “ungrateful” post-tournament interview with Peter Kostis, his frequent use of the four-letter word “damn,” and a host of other perceived disgraces to the game.
“He unfortunately reverted back to the old Tiger,” Nantz said.
When asked about his pointed Woods commentary on Saturday, he told Simmons, “He let loose some profanity on the sixth tee and I reacted to it. That’s what I was gonna do. I was gonna tell people what I saw.”
Nantz added, “You know, because the vast majority of golf fans are deaf and blind.”
Jimmy went on. And on. And on. And on. Cliff Notes version: Jim Nantz thinks Jim Nantz is the greatest announcer to ever live. Jim Nantz does not rank Tiger’s 1997 performance in his top 3 Masters (’86 Jack, Phil, Phil). Jim Nantz thinks himself an exceedingly grateful individual, but said of CBS’s massive weekend audience: “It means nothing to me.” Nantz on Tiger’s language: “He’s so conditioned to be able to say anything he wants.”
Jim Nantz is no longer a friend of this half of SC, and much like FSU and baggy jeans, has been permanently Anti-Hilsoned.
This buzzer beater-free conclusion brought to you in part by The SC Announcer Boycott.