Mullets and Krispy Kreme: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

"This will be good for my physique."

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever. To read Robbie Hilson’s far more thoughtful take on the week, click here. It’s a tear-jerker.

There are random notes and folders scattered all over my room, professors are just as stressed as students and earlier today I woke up hungover (okay, that kinda happens a lot). This can only mean one thing: Spring semester here at the University of Florida is coming to a close. Yes, this could possibly be the last time that a Week in Review is ever written from the confines of my Gainesville apartment. One day we’ll look back on this with great nostalgia.

Not too much else to say on the introduction side of this. Get me some Advil. Let’s do this.

Earlier this week, a cell phone video of Jerry Jones having a drunken football conversation at a bar was released on Deadspin.com. The conversation included a debate over whether or not Bill Parcells is “worth a s**t,” and a staunch declaration by Jones that he would not draft Tim Tebow in the third round.

In other news, Jerry Jones is the freaking man.

ESPN featured some of its most entertaining programming to date this week with the “Jon Gruden QB Camp” Sportscenter segments and “The Trial of Allen Iverson.”  Gruden’s segments were legendary. He basically sat down with each of the top quarterback prospects in this year’s draft and tore them to pieces. He was seen making Colt McCoy hold onto his belt loop just before he took Jimmy Clausen’s shoes and threw them against a wall.

Welcome to Gruden QB Camp

The golf world taught us two things this week: Phil Mickelson has guts. Phil Mickelson loves Krispy Kreme. Alright, the second one isn’t exactly shocking news.

Mickelson, or FIG JAM as he is known at the 19th tee, became the hero of the Anti-Tiger world on Sunday when he won his third career green jacket at Augusta National. Mickelson seems to be oozing with everything that Tiger Woods is not. FAMILY, FAMILY, FAMILY. Media is picking up on this rivalry with sociological undertones more and more this week. I was watching Sportscenter on Wednesday, and when the news was announced that Tiger had filed his U.S. Open paperwork, a large image flashed up on the screen featuring Woods and Mickelson.

“They will meet again,” said John Buccigross, as if we thought they would never be featured in the same tournament again.

N0w, if Phil really is the wonderful guy that the fan-friendly half of his image shows, then I can see the motive behind backing him. But to me, a cynical college student, this sounds a lot like when Alex Rodriguez was praised as the clean slugger that would legitimize the home run record again during the whole Barry Bonds saga.

It took great will power this week for me to refrain from posting a column featuring fake text message transcripts from Mickelson’s sure to be upcoming sex scandal. Never one to refrain for long, here is a brief sample of what you would have seen if I didn’t suddenly grow a conscience while watching Phil and Amy after Sunday’s win.

WARNING: What you are about to witness is country club white dude in action. Cue the Michael Buble.

  • Sent 6:05 P.M. 7/20/2009 “I’m gonna make you watch ‘Tin Cup’ over and over and then give you wine coolers until you think I’m Kevin Costner.”
  • Sent 10:13 P.M. 8/2/2009 “C’mon baby, Tiger already took another girl upstairs. It’s me or nothing.”
  • Sent 11:05 P.M. 8/16/2009 “Alright, the coast is clear. Come to room 505.”
  • Sent 11:08 P.M. 8/16/2009 “That was awesome. Goodnight.”

Speaking of sex scandals, what would a Week in Review be without a discussion about Ben Roethlisberger and his illustrious hair. This week, it was confirmed that there were small amounts of male DNA (read by Lil’ Jon: skeet skeet) found in the Milledgeville ladies bathroom stall that is in question. It was also confirmed that the girl in question was in the, and I quote, “brownout and/or blackout stage” at the time of the alleged actions.

Now as a college student, I may or may not be familiar with the curious sensation known as “blacking out.” But brownout? That is a new one for me. A brownout sounds kind of like busting open a big 70-yard run only to get tackled at the two yard line. Much like when you’re making your decision between grilled Double Down or fried Double Down, go big or go home, America.

Blackouts: Cooler than brownouts.

Comedy Central is officially bringing the Onion Sports Network into its programming beginning in 2011. My thoughts: “Uh, job?”

The NBA Playoffs begin this weekend which means that NBA players will be going against their usual policy of not playing hard. Boy, I love how the intensity picks up in the postseason.

Hendrick Motorsports took yet another step toward taking over the universe when it was announced that they have signed Kasey Kahne to replace Mark Martin when he steps down in 2012. Rick Hendrick is permanently stamping his legacy as the Steinbrenner of the South. Good luck, small teams.

Also, I would like to formally announce that, after finally struggling to listen to the Jim Nantz/Bill Simmons podcast today, I completely side with Robbie in his damnation of all things Nantzy. To quote the great Robert Duvall, Nantz is a first-class ass-sniffer.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write. Today’s Special: Great Moments in Angry Tiger Woods History

Tweet of the Week

Because too much television makes you fat and undesirable, but too much Twitter just makes you unproductive and socially awkward. Follow SC on Twitter, the awesomeness of your life depends on it.

This week’s Tweet of the Week comes to us courtesy of one Jonah Keri, baseball writer extraordinaire. Keri is currently writing a book about the Tampa Bay Rays which makes him cool by me. He also operates a Twitter page that is often very entertaining. In honor of the Jim Nantz boycott, I will introduce this tweet with a personal anecdote that will entertain no one but myself. I was at Game 6 of the 2008 ALCS when B.J. Upton opened the game with a first inning home run to center field. As Upton trotted back out to take the field in the top of the 2nd, the outfield stands broke out into a loud chant of “B.J.! B.J.! B.J.!” This was of course the perfect scenario for a dirty old man outburst from the dirty old man sitting in front of me. “Did you ever think you’d hear that? This is my kind of crowd,” said the man who would later discuss the fact that Coco Crisp shares his namesake with his favorite stripper at The Tango Lounge. Now to the tweet.

jonahkeri Don’t know what kind of clever giveaway they have planned at the Trop if BJ Upton has a breakout season, but I’m excited to find out.

Have a rockstar kind of weekend.

-Bryan

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