This is part one in a two-part installment. Much like when “Sunday NFL Countdown” airs on a Saturday, I stubbornly refuse to pull the “redux” from the title. Stay tuned for Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sports. It will be typically glorious.
As you know, I like to “set the scene” for you – more to burn words and fill space than anything – but this time… is absolutely no different. So here we go: I’m sitting on an old bench at a bus stop on the UF campus next to a horny couple making out. I have splinters penetrating three different sections of of my butt and my hair is darting in all kinds of directions because of the plastic seat backings in the library. Static, as you lady Casualtists can attest, is a bitch. I’m currently subconsciously calculating this week’s pros and cons to see what level of pissed off/ecstatic I am, and this is what I have so far:
Pro: Spurs steamroll the Dallas Cubans Wednesday. The Big Fundamental posts a vintage 25-17. Says Duncan afterward, “What now, Holt?!”
Con: Roy Halladay, en route to the first 30-victory season since Denny “The Penitentiary” McLain’s epic ’68 campaign, shuts out my Atlanta Braves just 4 days after Ubaldo Jimenez no-hits them… suggesting Atlanta’s offense sucks epically.
Pro: Just finished the incomparably tedious essay section of my Research Methods take-home final.
Con: Spent four hours in the library finishing the incomparably tedious essay section of my Research Methods take-home final…
Pro: …and checking out hot brunettes.
Con: Ventured to one “Gator City” on Wednesday. Contracted three different forms of skin rash to match the three “Roethlisberger Situations” I walked in on. Two of these situations actually involved Ben Roethlisberger.
Pro: Barry Sanders’ afro.
Con: Darrell Waltrip’s afro.
Pro: ESPN’s coverage of the NFL Draft features my two favorite people: Gator Dazzler Erin Andrews and future Miami Hurricanes head coach Jon Gruden.
Con: Thinking of future Miami Hurricanes head coach Jon Gruden reminds me of the Miami Hurricanes.
So, as you can see, I’m about level right now. But I’ve also milked 300 words out of this gimmick. Pro.
Let’s do this.
On April 22 – of 2001 – Dolphins fan Robb Hilson says that the franchise is stupid if they do not take projected second-round pick Drew Brees with the 26th overall selection. The Dolphins select Wisconsin defensive back Jamar Fletcher. Exactly 10 years later, the Dolphins pick 12th in the NFL Draft.
Robb Hilson is no longer a Dolphins fan.
During a furious week of mock drafts, pro career projections, and Kiper/McShay debates over elite prospects… zero Miami Hurricanes were discussed.
On the 4/14 episode of “The B.S. Report,” TV critic Tim Goodman told Bill Simmons, “Man, if you want to talk about somebody who’s right in the nation’s wheelhouse for available audience, 100 percent penetration and big time dollars…”
Wait just a second… This is the EXACT pickup line Ben Roethlisberger uses in Milledgeville nightclubs. It usually doesn’t work.
But that doesn’t stop Ben!
Look, jokes aside, I don’t see why Steelers fans and ownership are raising such a big fuss about this. Pittsburgh prides itself on tenacity, persistence and a don’t-take-no-for-an-answer attitude… Yeah, and?
As you’re no doubt already aware, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended the Steelers QB on Wednesday morning for six games, or 10 fewer games than he suspended troubled defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones. On Wednesday afternoon, Harlem rioted.
The black person in me thinks that Roethlisberger got off easy. The white person in me likes organic food and snowboarding.
If you’re keeping track, Ben’s record now includes two Super Bowl rings, one near-fatal motorcycle accident, two alleged rapes and one poster still hanging on the office door of diehard Steelers fan/Research Methods professor Dr. Armstrong.
Fun fact: Dr. Armstrong is a woman.
On Sunday, Braves right fielder Jason Heyward hit a walk-off, bases-loaded single with 2 outs, 2 strikes and down by a run to beat the Rockies 4-3. Jim Nantz, however, was weary of calling the highlight during CBS’s Sunday Sports Update. As you know, Nantz does not use the Lord’s name in vain.
In more “B.S.” news, ESPN analyst John Buccigross joined Bill Simmons on April 15 to discuss the NHL playoffs. “I’ll give it a hit in my hockey column, so you might get a lot of traffic,” Buccigross told Simmons of the podcast.
“The Bucci Bump,” he continued, referring to Chris McKendry’s favorite move.
On Sunday, Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams embarked on a European vacation. On Monday, NBC News reported that the massive smoke cloud over Europe was lingering longer than expected.
As is the case with most college students, finals week distracted me from keeping up with important world news. On Monday, however, I turned on a Wolf Blitzer-less “Situation Room” and learned that fill-in Suzanne Malveaux has grown exponentially more hot in the last three months… and is now a legit candidate to sign with CNBC.
Keep it going, Suzy. Great tan.
Also on Monday, No. 2 overall pick and former Nebraska defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh donated $2.6 million to his alma mater in an effort to clean up the carnage from the 2002 Rose Bowl.
In stats-have-gotten-out-of-hand-news, SportsCenter told us Tuesday that Jason Heyward tied Ted Williams for most RBI (16)… by a player under 21… in his first 13 games… since 1920. My contract with the Atlanta Braves prevents me from further commentary.
Reds starting pitcher Edison Volquez was suspended 50 games by Major League Baseball on Tuesday for his illicit use of fertility drugs. On the plus side, he and Manny are gonna have some talented children.
MLB: Replenishing the talent pool one little blue pill at a time.
In non sequitur news, are we 100 percent sure that Jack’s kid on “Lost” isn’t the lovechild of Cameron from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”?
On Wednesday, Mexican golfing star Lorena Ochoa retired from the LPGA Tour at the age of 28. This comes just days after word that Conan O’Brien would replace George Lopez on TBS late night.
Now the hopes and dreams of a nation rest on the shoulders of Estaban Loaiza.
This week on “Pardon the Interruption,” co-host Michael Wilbon compared Heat guard Dwyane Wade’s fashion sense to that of Al Capone. Wilbon said nothing of Wade killing his teammates after game two of Heat-Celtics.
On Wednesday’s “Fresh Meat Challenge” on MTV, teammates Luke and Evelyn hiked around a mountain faster than Jeff and Paula after several days of partying and laziness. A victorious Luke said afterward, “I’m excited. It’s time for glory.” It was then that it occurred to me that Sports Casualties has the same standard for “glory” as unemployed reality TV personalities.
The Miami Dolphins were pleasantly surprised to learn this week that offseason acquisition G Richie Incognito is in fact G Steve Hutchinson.
I leave you with Gratuitous King.
Like NASCAR, except a billion times better.