This is part two in a two-part installment. Bryan posted this morning from The City That Warren Built, or as it’s more commonly known, “Tampa.” Click here to read it. It’s funny.
Who wears short shorts? Not me, Casualtists, but I’m feeling a bit frisky in my sans-academia state of mind. Plus, it’s the weekend, which means it prime time for me to tell you just how much school sucks and just how great my Atlanta Braves are. Unfortunately, as I alluded, school is temporarily over and the Braves have lost nine in a row. So, uh…
Uh… who wears short shorts?
Okay, so real quickly, let me tell you the teams/athletes I like to do big things in the near future so you can bet your house, your dog’s life and your grandmother’s estate against each. Given my recent history and the SC jinx, this is a can’t miss moneymaker for you.
1) San Antonio Spurs – I wrote about them this week and got a surprisingly rabid response from a bunch of Silver and Black diehards. Major karma points for loyal fan bases. Plus, as I’m typing, they’re beating the daylights out of Dallas in game 6 and Rick Carlisle has this look on his face like he’s wondering who shot J.R. (get it?). I like them to go to the Conference Finals at the very least.
2) Detroit Red Wings – Haven’t really followed hockey at all this year, but I have a friend that likes them. Good enough for me. Every time you look up, some full-bearded Detroit defenseman is guzzling beer from Lord Stanley. Fear the Octopus.
3) Lookin At Lucky – I’m sure there was a lot of talk about this horse when a drunken Bryan Holt sent me this text: “I have drunkenly discovered the horse racing network… and it’s strangely entertaining.” (Much like a Goldman Sachs employee, I have absolutely zero reservations about throwing somebody under the bus by exposing a private communication… Sorry, Bryan. Just know that if you keep saying funny stuff, it’s probably going to end up in a post that 9 to 23 people read.) Lucky is Saturday’s Derby favorite at 3-1 despite drawing the rail position. I like him to win pulling away, mainly because Hank Goldberg picked against him. And if you know anything about Fat Hank, it’s that he’s only right when there’s a donut on the line. We’re about to find out how the jinxing of a jinx works.
4) Angry Germans – I’m specifically speaking of one Dirkowitz Nowitzki, who I’m currently watching berate a cowering official. Dirk is on the brink of doing something special. Choke an official on live TV? Angrily belt a David Hasselhoff song? Try to plant a big wet one on Eva Longoria Parker? These are all wins in my book, and probably all prop bets in Vegas.
Since I wrote No. 1, Dallas has already cut the San Antonio lead from 21 to 3. See? It’s working already.
(Just scroll down to the huge headline at the bottom for the good stuff, or stay here for sports.)
During Monday’s draft recap on the Tony Kornheiser Show, Tony railed against former Lion’s management, saying, “Apparently, over all the years that [Matt] Millen was the general manager of the Detroit Lions, they have only one draft pick still on the team. And it’s something like 49 players… That’s terrible!”
And untrue. Somewhere Calvin Johnson and Jeff Backus are thinking, “That Kornheiser is a moron.”
Later on, Tony said, “All careers ended – careers of a million people who were sort of attractive Philadelphians – or from other cities – and could dance a little bit… who had a very clean image and who – overnight – DONE!”
He was actually talking about the Beatles’ effect on ’60s teen idols, but you know Donovan McNabb’s ears perked up a bit.
On the 4/22 episode of “The B.S. Report,” ESPN’s Bill Simmons said to reality TV czar Dave Jacoby of Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery, “Her face doesn’t even move! Is she alive in 10 years?” Jacoby then compared her to a robot.
In fact, the pair was so simultaneously enamored and horrified by “The Hills” star’s expressionless face that they stopped just short of comparing her to Colt’s cyborg Jim Caldwell.
This week, ESPN’s Kelly Naqi interviewed former Steelers running back Najeh Davenport for an “Outside The Lines” piece on quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Davenport had some critical words for his old teammate.
“This new Ben is totally different,” Davenport said.
Like Naqi, I take Davenport’s comments at face value and without a grain of salt. I mean, it’s not like he’s ever taken a dump in some girl’s closet before.
Am I right?
Fun fact: “Najeh Davenport poop closet” is a Google search term. As always, go ‘Canes.
Sticking with the dirty, dirty, dirty NFL… On Tuesday, news broke that aspiring pimp/Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland asked wide receiver prospect Dez Bryant in a pre-Draft interview if his mother was “a prostitute.”
Ireland later apologized, saying, “I certainly meant no disrespect.”
On – let’s say, next Thursday? – Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland strangely disappeared from his home. When police questioned Mr. Bryant, the Cowboys rookie told them, “I certainly meant no disrespect.”
Turning briefly to playoff hockey, on Wednesday, Alex Ovechkin’s top-seeded Capitals coughed up a deciding game 7 to blow a 3-1 series lead to the eighth-seeded (and last overall seed) Montreal Canadiens. Though this comes as a major blow to sports fans in the D.C. area, somewhere Tracy McGrady, the ’04 Yankees, the ’07 Mavericks and a pack of choking dogs are sitting at a bar thinking, “Alright! More company!”
On Wednesday, Rockies catcher Miguel Olivo passed a kidney stone during a game that he was catching. This deserves both its own paragraph and a heavy dose of italicization.
In the opening scenes to Tuesday’s episode of ESPN’s investigative reporting show “E:60,” grinder-of-nerves Jeremy Schapp asked of Twins catcher Joe Mauer, “Who, in this day in age, leaves all that money on the table and says, ‘You know what? I’m happy in Minneapolis.'”
I know! I know! Guys who understand that $184 million is enough to live on.
Now let’s talk about my freaking government.
During Tuesday’s public berating of Goldman Sachs execs, Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) and Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) said “shitty” multiple times on live TV in reference to an email describing the investment bank’s trading of toxic housing assets.
Let me lay this out in market terms for you. Congress: bullish on financial reform, bearish on the FCC.
Parental Digression Advised
I hope the irony of the Congressional hearings wasn’t lost on you, because it sure as hell wasn’t lost on me. Watching senators grill investment bankers on ethics and financial responsibility is like watching Mike Tyson lecture Ben Roethlisberger on safe sex.
Your taxpayer dollars were supposed to probe a potential fraud case in which Goldman traders allegedly failed to disclose a counter position after selling a tanking package of assets… but instead the proceedings devolved into political grandstanding and an uncomfortable situation in which the guys on trial had to actually explain to farmers and war heroes how their business model works.
Sure made for riveting television, though. Glued to my sofa, I bit my nails as a parade of big name politicos tore into former Goldman mortgage head Dan Sparks during the first panel. It reminded me of some of the tongue lashings I got as a child, except for a couple of notable differences: 1) I wasn’t exceedingly more intelligent than my parents and impossibly well-prepared to answer every single conceivable question they could fire at me and 2) There were actual repercussions afterward, as opposed to me just going back to doing whatever the hell I wanted.
It was almost as if the people who organized the firing squad handed the inmates all the bullets. Seriously, I have absolutely no problem with regular joe Sen. Jon Tester (D-MT), but when you send an agriculture specialist with a crew cut to grill the sharpest guys on Wall Street, you’re going to look pretty freaking foolish… you know, especially if it’s broadcast on national television.
The hearings included several references to the esoteric “Timberwolf” CDO, and though I couldn’t pinpoint this instrument’s specifics, I can tell you that it performed even worse than the NBA’s Timberwolves.
And, dammit, during this day-long squawkfest, it would have been nice to have a working definition of “fiduciary” other than “word used repeatedly to impress Middle America.”
Senators frequently referred to Goldman’s business practices as “gambling” and “betting,” and even went so far as to compare the model to Vegas bookkeeping.
Ready for this radical idea? If you don’t want banks betting on the economy, MAKE LAWS AGAINST BETTING ON THE ECONOMY.
If there’s a lesson here, it’s this: Congress fu**ing sucks.
In fact, the only thing more laughable than Sen. John McCain’s (R-AZ) line of senile questioning was Sen. Levin’s logic-defying combover. Just sayin’, hope there’s not a violent gust of wind on the steps of Capitol Hill any time soon.
Hey, guess who’s got a vote in the upcoming election season…
In closing, Fear the Deer. Go Bucks. Go Spurs. Go home, Senator Levin.