With the NFL Draft one week away, SC has decided to go with the latest “cool kids” trend and hold a mock NFL draft. Yes, if the “cool kids” jumped off a bridge, we would too. Head freaking first. However, to set ourselves apart, this will not be a regular “Bradford, Suh, McCoy” kind of mock draft. No, in the SC mock draft, teams will be drafting a company that best fits their needs. Neither Robbie (the illegitimate father of this brain child) nor Bryan (the person writing it) are business students in any way. Nobody quite knows how this will go. Oh well.
And with the first pick in the Sports Casualties 2010 Mock NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select…
1. Home Box Office (HBO) St. Louis Rams
The Rams are hopeless. They are a team so bad that it is difficult to find something that says “Hey, that could help.” From their Steven Jackson + a bunch of nameless people offense to their abysmal defense, the Rams are the most deserving recipient of a No. 1 overall draft pick this side of the 2008 Detroit Lions. There are bad teams that are fun to watch implode. These teams can make money. Then there are bad teams that no one cares about enough to even garner a laugh. These teams do not make money. The Rams fall into the latter category.
Make people care. Draft HBO and turn the entire season into the greatest reality show ever. I can see it now, “Hard Knocks: The Life and Times of the NFL’s Worst Team.” Because the only thing better than a train wreck is a televised train wreck. Just ask Hulk Hogan and family.
People will want to tune in and see the team go unrecognized at bars, pretend to be real pro football players and give it their not-quite-all in front of hundreds of crazed fans. If “24/7” can really make somebody other than Max Kellerman care about boxing, then HBO could have a smash hit in introducing America to the now-lovable losers.
Mel Kiper’s Take: “I really think this is a strong pick-up for St. Louis. I’ve always thought that Danny Almendola kid was one television spot away from making it big.”
2. Trojan Detroit Lions
Yes, this pick was made primarily so that I could make a middle school P.E. locker room kind of joke. Protection?!?! Get it!?!?
Regardless, this pick is very necessary in both a symbolic and literal manner. In 2009, the Detroit Lions offensive line was statistically one of the worst groups in the league. While their run-blocking had improved since 2008, pass protection was an issue as Detroit Lion quarterbacks spent more time on the ground than Southwest Airlines. A strong message of “protection” could be just what the Lions need to revamp for 2010.
Also, in a little more literal translation, I think it is safe to say that in the female-luring rankings of the Detroit sports teams, the Lions are probably in a tie with the Pistons for third. Now I’ve never been to the Motor City, so all the knowledge that I have of Detroit was gathered by watching the movie “8 Mile,” and I’m not afraid to admit that. So with that in mind, the Red Wings and Tigers probably aren’t bringing in too many quality cleat chasers as it is. No telling what is getting brought back home with the Pistons and Lions.
Mel Kiper’s Take: “My parents should have drafted Trojan in 1959. Not a glamorous pick, but definitely a necessary one.”
3. E-Trade Financial Corporation Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The first surprise pick of the draft comes from the Buccaneers, who give no real reason for picking E-Trade. It is only after hearing coach Raheem Morris refer to them as “my guys” 35 times that you realize that E-Trade was founded by William A. Porter, a proud alumnus of Kansas State University. As most Bucs fans know, Morris can’t resist bringing in players from the school that he coached at in 2006. First, it was Josh “Tito Jackson” Freeman, then it was Yamon Figurs and now it’s the company most famous for its baby commercials.
This will not improve the team or make anyone excited about attending Bucs games this season. However, word spread that E-Trade is an “inexpensive option” which made the EPL cash-strapped Glazers all the more enthusiastic about the move. Rumors that the Bucs will soon be changing their colors to purple and silver may or may not be true.
Mel Kiper’s Take: “Those commercials are adorable.”
4. ING Group Washington Redskins
Redskins owner Dan Snyder is worth an estimated $1.3 billion, a ticket to a game at FedEx Field costs approximately one arm and two legs (with a capacity of 91,704) and Snyder has been known to sling his fortunes around like Ben Roethlisberger at a sorority house. So how in the hell are the Redskins so bad? Sounds like we need some financial planning.
The fact that the 2010 NFL season is uncapped means that Snyder and his Redskins should be set for glory. Apparently unable to handle the financial aspect of running a football team himself, ING will assist Snyder in his every move making the Redskins the elite spending force that they have the finances to be. Donovan McNabb is a nice start, but how about bringing in a ridiculous amount of weapons to surround him?
Maybe ING could even teach Snyder something about customer relations as the only times that the ‘Skins made the news in 2009 were when fans were angry about something.
Mel Kiper’s Take: “Excellent pick. Some guy from Pakistan owns the Rams now, why not include the Dutch?”
5. Lockheed Martin Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs have a young offense full of promising potential. So why did they go 4-12 in 2009? Defense, defense, defense. The Chiefs had none, and by none I mean that they were ranked 30th in the NFL in total defense. Not good.
So who better to being in than the ultimate bad asses in defensive operations. Lockheed Martin has been blowing things to smithereens from the air since 1995. After slipping to pick No. 5, a shocking revelation as most were expecting them to go top three, Martin will soon be applying the same pressure to the AFC West.
Mel Kiper’s Take: ” What a steal! I had these guys cemented at the top of my defensive board, and I cannot believe that they fell this far. Great pick for the Chiefs.”
6. The Boeing Company Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks go with the fan-friendly option and keep the hometown boy in Seattle. Also in need of defense, the Seahawks get the benefit of bringing in a prospect that is efficient in both combat and recreation. Can you say awesome new team jet?
It’s almost common sense that the Seahawks try to build up a strong defensive presence in this draft. They have all the intangibles of a dominant defensive-minded team minus the talent. They have the loud stadium, bad weather and a surplus of angry grunge rockers left over from the early 1990s (read: Robbie Hilson). Plus with Julius Jones at running back and that guy that’s related to that guy that’s married to that kinda hot girl on “The View” at quarterback, a well-rounded defensive presence would serve them well. Boeing also has nearly 80 years of experience on Lockheed Martin which could be crucial in December playoff pushes.
Mel Kiper’s Take: “Solid pick-up by the Seahawks. I’m sure that they were hoping that Martin would drop back to them, but I also wanted Todd McShay to be my friend. Life is cruel.”
7. KFC Cleveland Browns
In a stunning move, the Browns, who were expected to trade up to acquire some offensive help, have instead made the most useless pick of the draft. KFC will do nothing to help the Browns, and will likely kill the entire team by the end of training camp.
“Lifetime supply of Double Downs? I’m sorry, but this prospect was just too good to pass up,” said Browns president Mike Holmgren. The NFL Draft: Where fat team executives happen.
Mel Kiper’s Take: “I’m not sure what just happened. I had KFC as my prediction for Mr. Irrelevant.”
8. McGraw-Hill Oakland Raiders
In a move of desperation, the Raiders came to an unsettling conclusion on who they would pick as their aloted time was about to expire. Al Davis went with McGraw-Hill, the company that is most famous for publishing school textbooks. Although Davis’ grumbling explanation was not completely audible, most are reporting that McGraw-Hill has a new book on “How to Learn the West Coast Offense” that he thought could be an asset to Jamarcus Russell.
When asked by Adam Schefter what he thought of the deal, Raiders coach Tom Cable yelled “Books suck!” and punched Schefter in the face.
Mel Kiper’s Take: ‘Strange pick here. I guess anything that associates Oakland with literacy can be a positive for American society.”
9. CBC Television Buffalo Bills
In a startling move, the Bills have altered the very fabric of NFL television by bringing in Canadian station CBC Television to further promote themselves in Canada. The Bills, a team that represents one of the NFL’s most quaint markets, are likely crossing lines of legality here as they have stated that all of their games will be shown solely on CBC (that’s CBLT Channel 20 for our friends in Toronto). This almost certainly adds truth the recently held rumor that the Bill will soon become the first Canadian NFL team by moving to Toronto.
When approached for comment, Bills QB Trent Edwards said “Alright, Toronto. They’ve got bars there, right?”
Marshawn Lynch is excited about extending his long string of illegitimate children to an international level.
Mel Kiper’s Take: ” Pass me a Molson!”
10. U-Haul Jacksonville Jaguars
It’s never good when an NFL team that only plays 10 home games per season has to tarp off large amounts of seats at its stadium. For nearly as long as the Jaguars have been a team, there have been talks about moving them out of Jacksonville. With this rather cold draft pick, it is now a certainty. Where they are going no one can be quite certain. Maybe Los Angeles, San Antonio or Las Vegas. Wherever they go, we now know that it will take place inside of a bright orange truck that may or may not break down halfway.
The Jaguars have always had attendance problems. Their market has failed to support them on a consistent basis. This peaked in 2009, when the Jaguars averaged just 73.9 percent attendance over eight regular season games.
Reasons for the struggles are plenty. I’ve never been to Jacksonville, so I cannot really judge, but I’ve heard many people say it’s a fun place. I’ve also heard others say it smells like urine. Tony Kornheiser hates Jacksonville, but he also hates Tampa because it has nothing but “Waffle Houses and strip clubs.” I see nothing wrong with that. Waffle House is a necessary late night food option that occasionally lets you make your own food which seems awesome when you’re intoxicated, and the only people that strippers have ever hurt are old rich guys that hate their families. I love Tampa, so Kornheiser’s theory is not included.
Mel Kiper’s Take: ” It’s a sad day in Jacksonville, I guess.”
Random Toothless Homeless Guy that Rides My Bus’ Take: “I don’t even care if they leave. I f***ing hate the Jaguars.”