21-7: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

Longo and Bossman Junior: Like Sports Casualties, awesome.

Because we can’t cover everything, and we don’t work weekends, each Friday, Sports Casualties’ two co-authors will write two separate reviews of the past week. These startling pieces of immediate nostalgia will cover whatever topics the writers care to include. Consider this a wallet-sized picture that you can carry with you the entire weekend to hold yourself over until Monday when we will be back and better than ever. 

I was thumbing through our Sports Casualties’ list of posts and drafts when I came across the title for Robbie Hilson’s Week in Review that will be posted later today. I obviously did not read any of it as I like to be surprised when new pieces of immediate nostalgia pop up on my screen during the course of a day. 

However, I did see that the title of this week’s installment begins with the words “Panic Mode.” Knowing Robbie, this title can be attributed to one of three things. Robbie is either in panic mode because: 

A – The Braves are not good at baseball. 

B – He has been watching too much CNBC and has gone into “this country is falling apart” hysteria. 

C – Jacory Harris is in prison. 

I’m leaning toward A. Now for those of you reading in Tampa, I know that it is difficult to fathom a baseball team that doesn’t completely kick ass right now. After all, we live in the home of the Tampa Bay Rays, the best team in baseball. 

As I am writing this, I have just finished watching the Rays win again. This time in an 8-0 romp against the overmatched Seattle Mariners to complete yet another road series sweep. Baseball is a wonderful thing for me right now, and I will continue to gloat until something stops me. I have gone from being confident that my Rays could contend for a wild card birth to certain that this is the best team that baseball has seen in a few years. 

The pitching is dominant, the bats lead most AL statistical categories and a handful of players are already sporting their playoff mohawks made famous in 2008. Life is good, really good. 

But enough about awesomeness. Let’s do this. 

 To distance myself from Rays talk, but not really, let’s begin with [you guessed it] the Rays-Mariners series. 

The last few days have been absolutely chaotic for the poor Mariners. In the last three days, the Mariners have watched Milton Bradley channel his inner Eric Cartman, charted their second and third lowest attendance days in Safeco Field history and watched their fans turn on the beloved Ken Griffey, Jr. 

  

 Milton Bradley during the sixth inning on Tuesday night.  

Bradley made every general manager that ever considered going after him but decided not to take a collective sigh when he jetted from Safeco Field after being removed from the Mariners game on Tuesday night. 

Griffey, once the pride of Seattle and last year’s feel-good “good guy comes home” story, was jeered by the scattered Seattle fans in attendance after striking out during the same inning that Bradley decided to head to the nearest bar. Things are weird in Seattle right now. I think some of that good local music they have would be just the thing to cheer them up. Oh wait, nevermind. 

Lawrence Taylor hit the newsstands on Thursday when it was announced that he has been charged for raping a 16-year-old prostitute. She began the day as a 15-year-old, but apparently celebrated a birthday at some time during LT’s “how not to look during a press conference” press conference. 

Miley Cyrus: Too old for No. 56.

My first thought: Uh, idiot.  

You are a rich and famous former NFL player. A 16-year-old lady of the night? REALLY? I’m sure there are plenty of skeezers around that would be more than willing to pretend that they remembered your 1980s prime for long enough to run through a Saturday Night Special. But a freaking 16-year-old. It’s nice to see that you’re back on face drugs.  

My second thought: Should this really surprise anyone?  

LT has always gotten some strange and mysterious pass for his past. I realize this is America, and we are all about forgiveness and so on and so on, but there is a huge difference between forgiving and erasing history. Sure LT took some measures to “clean up” and get his life back together, but that doesn’t mean that his past actions no longer hint that he might end up doing something bad again.  

I’ve seen media treat LT like a model citizen when he is not one. He was one hell of a football player. That is it.  

With all of that aside, he is obviously guilty of nothing until it is proven. However, guilty or not, there is no question that he is putting himself in situations that deter from the new lifestyle that he attempts to promote.  

A Philadelphia teenager was tasered this week when he ran onto the field during a Phillies game after his father gave him permission to do so. The teen was hit by a rent-a-cop who looked like the newest addition to the “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” security staff. Or as they like to call it in Philly, he reached manhood. 

Maybe the best thing about the entire taser incident was that it sparked a brief Twitter conversation between SC and personal inspiration Warren Sapp. More on that later. 

Last weekend was the Kentucky Derby, which reminded us all that horse racing is occasionally awesome. Lookin’ at Lucky officially suffered the SC Jinx after Robbie predicted him to win the Derby. Instead a horse named Super Saver won. I’m assuming that Super Saver is owned by K-Mart. 

While watching the Derby, I made a pact that I will be at next year’s installment of the race. Stay tuned to SC for ongoing coverage of how this plan actually works out. 

Finally, we come to this weekend’s edition of The Players Championship where there is a possiblity that Phil “FIG JAM” Mickelson could overtake Tiger Woods as the No. 1 ranked golfer in the world. In order to do so, Mickelson will have to complete some formula that includes him winning, Tiger forgetting where the first tee is and the word “family” being uttered in excess of 250 times by sappy announcers. 

NOOOO! Make it stop.

Casualtists, we cannot let this happen. My disdain for Mickelson is well documented. I simply will not accept his gooey persona wrapped up in European golf attire taking the title of No. 1 in the world. 

Don’t cheer against Phil for me. Do it for America. Just imagine how many child golfers will run out and buy white pants and uber tight polos if Phil becomes No. 1. You hear that noise? It’s Lacoste and Slazenger factories firing up in anticipation of this day. C’mon Tiger. Do it for Nike. 

AND NOW…(drum roll) 

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga 

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write. 

  

YOU DON”T BRING THAT WEAK E-MAIL ACTION TO DON CHERRY! 

 

Ah, the Kentucky Derby. Intricate hats, mint juleps and mud wrestling. 

Tweet of the Week 

Because too much television makes you fat and undesirable, but too much Twitter just makes you unproductive and socially awkward. Follow SC on Twitter, the awesomeness of your life depends on it. 

As mentioned earlier, this was a big week for SC because somebody famous like totally responded to us on Twitter! That famous person is Warren Sapp who is both in my top five list of all time favorite Buccaneer players, and in Robbie’s top five of all-time favorite Miami Hurricane convicts. We wanted Warren’s opinion on all things tasers. In particular, this week’s Phillies taser incident and the infamous Florida “Don’t Tase Me Bro” dude. Here is what we got. 

QBKILLA @scasualties Both Was Great!! All Dummies Who Can’t Sit And Maintain Order?? Then GET ’em Officer!! Hit ’em Twice With It!!

Warren Sapp: Fighting dummies since birth.

Hang out with your mom this weekend.

-Bryan

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One response to “21-7: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

  1. Pingback: “Panic Mode” and Other Google Trends: The Week in Review, Redux « Sports Casualties

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