This is part two in a two-part installment. To read Bryan Holt’s irreverent commentary on real sports and faux sport, please click here. Or simply scroll down, lazy ass. No, I’m only kidding. Enjoy.
Before we get started, I’d just like to say for the record: Greece, you suck.
You’ve given us Andy Milonakis, couscous, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the inspiration for Little Caesar’s and Brutus, or as I like to call it, “nothing.” And now, as it were, you’re dangerously close to sinking our already fragile financial markets.
Imagine my surprise when I woke up from a fabulous, tequila-induced night’s sleep Thursday morning to find that, Hey!, the Dow’s down 998 points! Alright! Rock ‘n roll! I just blew a third of my life savings!
My first three thoughts upon stumbling out of bed and flipping to CNBC: 1) I’ve really just dreamed the last 24 or so months – it’s really still May ’08 2) Erin Burnett looks really hot when she’s in a panic 3) EFFING GREECE.
In case you missed it, amid violent civic protest, our friends over in the Greek parliament took a page out of the Tim Geithner playbook and agreed to an IMF-funded $110 billion bailout package (like they had a choice). Does this mean Americans get a discount on lamb shish kabob? Hell no.
Luckily, the market rebounded about 600 points in the same day, meaning a handful of eyes-peeled traders got more lucky than a Eugene Robinson on Super Bowl eve. Plus, the Euro is tanking like the ’07 Boston Celtics – perfect timing for all my friends that bailed on me to travel France and Austria and Germany and all the other super white countries that are good for a war every few decades or so.
On a separate note, it looks as if Tiger Woods – not Greek – is going to make a cut today, which means I’ll have something to do this weekend besides contemplate my loneliness in 110 degree heat.
Now, if you were one to plunge all of your hard-earned pay into the stock market this week, I hope you at least counteracted this act of abject stupidity by taking my gambling advice from last week. If you recall correctly, I told you to “bet your house, your dog’s life and your grandmother’s estate against” each of the teams/athletes I liked to do well in the near future. So how did we do?
1) San Antonio Spurs – In an 0-2 hole against the Suns and looking older than Larry King and water combined.
2) Detroit Red Wings – In a 1-3 hole against the Sharks and looking gimpier than LeBron’s elbow.
3) Looking At Lucky – The Derby favorite finished 6th to the chagrin of rich people loaded on mint juleps everywhere.
4) Angry Germans – Last remaining angry German Dirk Nowitzki was bounced from the NBA Playoffs. I’m sure there are Germans still playing hockey. But nobody watches hockey.
Like I said, can’t-miss moneymaker. If you didn’t bet the farm against these guys, you have nobody to blame but yourself.
In further news of the SC Jinx, in January, I cashed in on a quarter of my Visa stock to load up on shares of Transocean. Roughly 3 months later, the former company hit an all-time high and the latter watched one of its deep-water rigs burst into a ball of fire in the Gulf of Mexico… So, uh, sorry about that, Millions and Millions of Dead Sea Creatures and Cratering New Orleans Fishing Industry.
As oil continues to seep out into the Gulf, environmentalists are condemning BP and Halliburton among others for the bursted drill and countless aquatic casualties. Non-environmentalist Pat Riley, on the other hand, gave the new water cosistency nothing but glowing reviews, citing savings on personal hair products.
On the 4/29 episode of “The B.S. Report,” Bill Simmons and analyst Matthew Berry both proclaimed the death of the fantasy draft, shilling instead for ESPN’s fantasy auction.
Auctions? Come on, America. Aren’t we past paying for Black men?
Speaking of paying for things, Thursday brought us news that Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor may or may not have raped a 16-year-old prostitute.
The sex wasn’t consensual. But LT did stay at a Holiday Inn that night.
In related news, a bunch of hacker golf courses in Miami just lost their star patron. And, uh, apparently Nutrisystem forgot to list the “increased sexual appetite” side effect. Hey, but look at the bright side, LT: at least you’re already used to eating crappy food.
And to think, if the guy would’ve just waited 4 more years for this girl, he would’ve gotten nothing worse than a botched investigation and a 4 to 6-game suspension.
Sticking with NFL news, the Oakland Raiders cut former No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell Thursday. While some are using the word “bust,” I’m of the belief that Russell has a bright and productive future as either a…
- flotation device
- garbage disposal
- Lazy Boy
- clipboard holder
- plus-size model
- black hole
- check on Al Davis’ ego
- left tackle
- partner at the firm Carr, Couch and Russell
- cautionary tale
Chin up, big guy. The sky’s the limit.
In non sequitur news, DIVERSIFICATION ONLY HELPS IF THE ENTIRE MARKET ISN’T CRASHING, JIM CRAMER!
We’re in the heart of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, which means its time for sports analysts and talking heads from all over to start sentences with, “Now I don’t know very much about hockey, but…” and then go on for 20 minutes like they know very much about hockey. Or as this phenomenon is more commonly known, “The Tony Kornheiser Show.”
While discussing the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Monday’s airing, our good friend Mr. Tony described celebrity guest bartender Rachel Maddow as “smoking hot.” Perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, Kornheiser is also a huge fan of broadway musicals and the Fox hit “Glee.”
To Beadle news, during the greatest “B.S. Report” in the history of the world, Simmons said to “SportsNation” co-host/uber-babe Michelle Beadle of Pittsburgh and QB Ben Roethlisberger, “You’ve won two Super Bowls. Let the guy get a fresh start somewhere else. Get a fresh start as a city.”
Though Steelers fans had mixed reactions to these comments, they were pleasantly surprised to hear Pittsburgh and “fresh start” used in the same context for the first time since the Industrial Revolution.
In further “B.S.” news, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney said on Monday of his odd sleeping habits, “Peter Angelos, the Orioles owner, is very much like that. He sleeps about two or three hours a day during the week.” Unfortunately for Peter, th0se two or three hours are always during major decisions.
Discussing how decreased amphetamine use has coincided with a decline in alcoholism, Olney also said, “One all-star caliber player, I remember hearing a story about how he drank 24 beers on an East Coast to West Coast flight.”
Look, I knew Bryan Holt was a good ballplayer, but all-star caliber?
Among other musings, Olney told Simmons that Jason Heyward “will be a guy we’re talking about for the rest of our lives.” And though ecstatic, I temper this with his assertion that Jamie Moyer is one of the “five best sports stories of our lifetimes.”
I leave you with two bits of super hero news:
1) “Iron Man 2” has already reeled in $121 million overseas at the time of writing.
2) Golf fans in attendance for practice rounds at the Players Championship at the TPC Sawgrass were shocked to learn that the player they were following was not Tiger Woods, but in fact the Incredible Hulk with a vicious double cross.
Don’t get caught, Tiger.