This is part one in a two-part installment. Probably gonna drop the “redux” next week. Bryan is cavorting with hot ladies. He’ll be here sometime soon. Maybe. Let’s do this.
I have great news, Casualtists: Don Rickles is not dead! He was the No. 1 trend on Yahoo! Search as of Thursday afternoon. And given that he hasn’t been relevant for 40 years, I just assumed… But no. Not dead. Rejoice, fans of awkward talk show comedy!
But that’s not all. Thursday’s sector rotation gave a much needed boost to the American economy and to this humble website. Let me explain. At the same time capital in the stock market was pulling out of tech and plowing into financials and energy, searches for hot babe Michelle Beadle inexplicably gave way to searches for equally hot babe Natalie Gulbis. Apparently if you’d like to find the latter in a bathing suit, SC is the place to look. Nice work, Bryan.
Now to less awesome news. Oil is still shooting from the ocean floor at an alarming rate. The brain children at BP have decided – after more than a month – that the best way to stop the spill is to clog it with mud. They’ve coined this operation, appropriately, “Top Kill,” as in, “If this doesn’t work, we’ll have topped ourselves by killing every form of life in the Gulf of Mexico.”
Don’t get me wrong. I was all for BP cleaning up its own mess, but I was all for BP cleaning up its own mess four weeks ago. It’s since become abundantly clear that incentive doesn’t always compensate for ineptitude (ask Roy Williams). So here’s my suggestion, which I totally stole from Sen. Bill Nelson:
Make the freaking Army do it.
I understand that this leak is a mile under the sea, and that it’s hard to get to, and that we’re not experts and yada, yada, yada… I’m also under the impression that we have the best, most capable military in the world. I’ve seen those Navy Seals commercials. We do some crazy sh*t.
Not sure why it hasn’t happened yet, or why my president hasn’t deployed a fleet of rescue crews to clean up the Louisiana coastline. Not sure why New Orleans looks like a ghost town, or really, why we’re still even talking about trying to plug a hole. Is it because we’re still fighting two wars? Is it because the National Guard is on the border chasing Mexicans in lieu of comprehensive immigration reform? Is it because we don’t have any money left to spend? I don’t know.
Here’s what I’m getting at: the whole reason to have a government is to protect a people from its own calamities. David Gergen said as much on Wednesday’s “AC 360.” Can you find me any recent examples of this? Does the Wall Street bailout count, or is it nullified because we didn’t outlaw any of the old tricks?
I’m not cynical enough to believe that President Obama doesn’t give a sh*t. He does. President Bush probably had a heart, too. Still whiffed on 9/11, though. Whiffed on Katrina. Still whiffing on Wall Street, and now we’re whiffing on an entire ecosystem. All evidence suggests that our government cannot even fulfill its most fundamental role. It doesn’t work. It’s slow, unresponsive, ineffective, and woefully inefficient…
On that note, here’s hoping we can clog a leak in the next 39 days. Haven’t tried duct tape yet. Bureaucracy, you suck. Rant over.
On Saturday, Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki decided to opt out of his contract in a free agency bid that surprised some and disconcerted others. Apparently, something about big shot Germans breaking off negotiations to pursue ambitions abroad makes people uneasy.
This week, the Orlando Magic tried to become the first team in 94 attempts to come back from a 3-0 series deficit. In an anticlimactic turn of events, we still don’t know the outcome. We do know, however, that Vince Carter extended his streak of sucking in big games.
Game 4 line: 1-9 FG, 3 pts… A little part of Bryan Holt died on Monday night.
On Sunday, the Washington Nationals expressed interest in trading for disgruntled Astros pitcher Roy Oswalt, or as he’s known to Big League scouts, “The 31 Million Dollar Bad Back.”
In a tragic turn of events, former Major League pitcher and 21-game winner Jose Lima died of a heart attack at the age of 37 on Sunday. To honor the fallen, SC hereby declares May 23 “Lima Time.”
You will be missed, Jose.
A source close to the Cleveland Cavaliers told ESPN that Mike Brown was fired Sunday. Actually, the source just pulled anchor Steve Levy aside and pointed to the writing on the wall.
On Monday, Brown went back to a favorite hobby – driving his Ferrari below the speed limit.
Over the weekend, Blackhawks defenceman Duncan Keith took a puck to the mouth in the series clinching game against the Sharks. Duncan lost seven teeth, coughed up one he almost choked on, then assisted on a goal after an injection of novocaine.
The following morning, Duncan shaved with a piece of glass and wrestled his pet lion.
Duncan Keith: Hockey Player, Man.
During the 5/20 episode of the “B.S. Report,” guest Seth Meyers said of the upcoming film “MacGruber,” “I was an executive producer – [that] was my title. But what that really means in the “SNL” world is that I was on set and stuff with those guys when they were working on the script.”
He added, “I had very little to do with it, actually. I mean, really, almost nothing. I probably shouldn’t have been credited at all.”
“MacGruber” grossed just over $4 million opening weekend.
ABC’s feed of the “Lost” finale mysteriously cut out in the entire Cleveland market Sunday night. Some insist it was for the better – watching James’ character leave the Island after seven years would’ve been too traumatic.
On Tuesday, NFL owners chose New York over Tampa and South Florida as the location for Super Bowl XLVIII. Distraught residents of the latter areas got over the disappointment by surrounding themselves with beautiful women and perfect weather.
Just another ho-hum day on Miami Beach.
Atlanta’s Kenshin Kawakami on Wednesday became the third NL pitcher since 1960 to start 0-7. Kawakami is currently making $1 million per loss, though that figure is expected to decline.
On Thursday, FIU infielder Garrett Wittels extended his hitting streak to 50 games. He is now only eight shy of Robin Ventura’s 58-game NCAA record.
In related news, administrators have banned walking curse Isiah Thomas from FIU baseball’s next eight games.
Now to more catastrophic news…
This week alone, oil from the still-gushing BP rig swamped 30 acres of Louisiana’s grassy marshlands.
Hmm, grassy marshlands + crude… Not exactly what I had in mind for “green initiative,” but okay.
Thirty-nine days after the explosion, government officials have yet to come up with a viable way to contain the spill. Republicans and Democrats alike are outraged at Washington’s slow response, and just days ago, rapper Kanye West declared that Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people.
In a you-can’t-be-serious turn of events, President Obama on Wednesday held a fundraiser in San Francisco at the estate of oil tycoon J. Paul Getty.
How’s that for irony? A wealthy industrialist family living in San Francisco?
Oh, and the oil fundraiser part is pretty ironic, too.
And 100 percent true.
Have a slick weekend. Here’s your buzzer beater.