The following is a time log for June 8, 2010, the day Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg is elected President of the United States makes his first start in the Major Leagues.
6:30 AM: Strasburg gets out of bed and puts his pants on one leg at a time. “Kay,” his pet calico, looks on in wonder.
6:45 AM: President Barack Obama tells White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel to phone BP. “Ask them to bring a Gulf sample,” the President says. “If Strasburg can turn water to wine, maybe he can turn oil to water.”
7:36 AM: Agent Scott Boras sends a ransom note to Nationals advanced scout Mel Gibson demanding $15,000,001 for the release of overall No. 1 pick Bryce Harper.
8:04 AM: Security guards at Nationals Park detain Mark Prior, who is spotted on premises holding a voodoo doll in the likeness of Jim Riggleman.
8:45 AM: Strasburg throws a fastball in a forest in Bethesda. Nobody sees it, but the resulting sonic boom makes a sound in Falls Church, VA.
9:30 AM: SportsCenter runs a montage of notable Major League debuts. A pre-steroids Alex Rodriguez and a pre-crack Darryl Strawberry make the cut. Somewhere, a confused 4-year-old asks if Joe Mauer is actually the twin brother of Joe Mauer’s mom.
10:37 AM: Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” makes its 764th non-consecutive appearance on the Billboard Album Charts, reentering at No. 200. The band’s de facto leader Roger Waters reveals that if you sync up the record with tonight’s first pitch, “Brain Damage” will play at precisely the moment Strasburg uncorks his first HBP.
11:00 AM: Robbie Hilson awakes from sleep and greets the new day.
11:32 AM: The 37 millionth gallon of oil spills into the Gulf of Mexico in honor of Strasburg’s No. 37 jersey.
12:01 PM: Washington radio kingpin Tony Kornheiser kicks off the second hour of his daily show by reminiscing about childhood hero Mordecai Brown’s debut. Tony remembers the pitcher having five fingers at the time.
12:28 PM: ESPN’s Buster Olney recounts the story of Nationals outfielder Nyjer Morgan nicknaming Strasburg “Jesus” after watching him pitch in spring training. Former White House press corps member Helen Thomas promptly asks herself if this means Strasburg is Jewish.
1:11 PM: Robbie Hilson remembers that tonight is also game 3 of Lakers-Celtics. He cooly reaches for his can of pepper spray, walks into the living room and locks the front door… just in case the bookies show up.
2:13 PM: Nationals draftee Bryce Harper covers himself in Comanche warpaint in preparation for his future teammate’s debut. Harper’s assistant, John Randle, suggests more eyeblack from a seat nearby.
2:45 PM: ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian tells viewers that the last time Jesus entered a capital city, he was riding a donkey. Karl Ravech reminds Tim that Strasburg was escorted to the stadium by jackass Scott Boras.
3:14 PM: Editors at Time Magazine suspend publication of next month’s issue upon realizing that time will stop tonight.
3:30 PM: The Bullpen, a festival ground directly across from Nationals Park, opens its doors early to capitalize on the sold out crowd. Local baseball enthusiast Peter Angelos spends obscene amounts on pretzels, beer, pennants, caps, hotdogs, shaved ice, a poster… pretty much everything except “starting pitching.”
4:02 PM: Usually shy, Stephen Strasburg autographs a fat woman’s breast after she breaches security and runs onto the field in a Nationals uniform. Moments later, Livan Hernandez shows off his sweet new sig to teammates. Strasburg vows “never again.”
4:37 PM: The devil on Jim Riggleman’s shoulder tells him to disregard Strasburg’s pitch count if he has a perfect game going into the eighth.
4:38 PM: The angel on Jim Riggleman’s shoulder holds up a portrait of Kerry Wood.
5:02 PM: To commemorate the evening, Nationals starting catcher Ivan Rodriguez gives a one-ton bronzed statue of himself to battery-mate Strasburg. Upon receiving the gift, the bust turns to gold.
5:27 PM: With the game fast-approaching, Bud Selig goes through his closet and pulls out a spotless white shirt for tonight’s occasion. He then reaches for the very last bite of his sandwich, smearing mustard all over the cuff of his otherwise unblemished button-down. It is clear that Bud should change his shirt, but says, “Nah, screw it” for fear that he’d have to go back and clean every shirt that mustard has ever smeared.
6:04 PM: Pittsburgh Pirates manager John Russell forfeits tonight’s game 61 minutes before his team is scheduled to take the field. Local judge John Roberts overturns the decision, citing “cruel and unusual punishment” to the three quarters of paying National fans that have never actually been to a game.
6:38 PM: The Elias Sports Bureau retroactively names Fernandomania, “The Mexican Precursor to the Summer of 2010,” taking some of the punch out of the original title.
6:48 PM: The Mayans formally announce they’ll push back the apocalypse to 2022. They want to see how this Strasburg thing plays out.
7:04 PM: In a nod to his favorite sports blog, Stephen Strasburg whispers to himself, “Let’s do this.”
7:05 PM: Baseball in the nation’s capital changes forever.