CNBC Fab 5 Pics: Panic Selling Edition


Babes and stocks. Stocks and babes. It’s Thursday, Casualtists. 

I’m not exactly sure how copy machines relate to oil spills, but Xerox CEO Ursula Burns was one in the long line of fossil fuel-damning bigwigs driving a stake into the heart of the energy sector today. I hope you use recycled paper in those printers, Ursula.

Luckily, despite resistance from manic short sellers, angry politicians, the president of the United States and Joe Terranova, the major oil stocks are up across the board Thursday. I say “luckily” not because I hate brown-beaked pelicans or have a vendetta against the New Orleans fishing industry (R.I.P), but because BP’s Lehman-style nosedive into the abyss of bankruptcy rumors and 19% single-day declines was inciting the kind of market panic that gets babies thrown out with bath water. 

BP hit 29.00 yesterday, people. Twenty-nine. In this case, my use of heavy italics is fully justified – the same stock was at 39 last Friday and hovering around 60 the day that fateful rig burst into a ball of fire some 52 days ago. And seriously, I’m going to throw something next time I hear another “puts drilling calls” joke. Grow up. 

Check this out.

OK. Important notes:

1) The top chart is BP, the bottom Lehman.

2) The two companies are nothing alike, so stop talking about “forced liquidation,” Wednesday’s “Fast Money” Prop Desk. You’re being irresponsible. Last time I checked, BP is not an over-leveraged hedge fund. Their safety controls suck… And they’re one of the world’s most profitable companies. Every. Single. Year.

3) Current estimates suggest it will cost BP about $1 billion to clean up the entirety of the Gulf oil spill.

4) BP’s turned a $5 billion after-tax profit since the rig exploded. 

5) Even if our crazy-ass Congress lifts all existing liability regulations and says, “Have at ’em, Litigious America!” the lawsuits are still gonna take a short lifetime to get through the courts. 

6) Exxon Mobil bottomed out at $10.44 on April 11, 1989 after its oil tanker carrying 54 million gallons pulled a mini-Titanic off the coast of Alaska. Exxon flirted with $100 a few years back… after 2 splits.

5)  Am I just bitter because I have a small position in Transocean, another money-coining cash cow that’s been taken to the woodshed each of the last 6 weeks? Quite possibly.

6) Would I buy BP at these levels? Come on… Hell no.

But enough about a space that’s falling apart faster than the Big 12. Let’s enjoy this up day (DJIA: ^207, S&P ^22.2 as of 2:00 p.m.) and the fact that, despite all the recent bad news, the S&P still hasn’t broken 1040 to the downside. This is swell.

Plus, China continues to destroy export estimates. Nice job, Commies. You have our capitalist global economy by the balls. Please keep us afloat.

Now let’s end on a high. My theory that anchor hotness negatively correlates with DOW performance hit a major snag today. The only person having a better morning than the market is portfolio goddess Amanda Drury (the Bond Girl). Trish Regan (the big-haired brunette), Erin Burnett (the perky brunette) and Michelle Caruso-Cabrera (the I’ll-know-her-when-I-see-her brunette) are all nearing 52-week highs as well. And you thought gold was the only thing looking top-heavy at these levels…

Melissa Francis is still off raising her kid. Kudlow got contacts. He looks like a prune. This is your CNBC Week in Review. Click on the thumbnails. Enjoy. 





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3 responses to “CNBC Fab 5 Pics: Panic Selling Edition

  1. your feminist friend

    My inner feminist radar tinged a little while reading the lovely labels that you used to reference these professional anchors, but then I saw “top-heavy” and for some odd reason I stopped glaring at the computer.

    • My Feminist Friend,

      I think the picture introducing the post should’ve been a tipoff as to wear the rest was heading. I sincerely apologize that you took offense, but I suggest directing further concerns to the producers of CNBC. I’m fairly certain that the “top-heaviness” is not by accident.

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