The World Cup: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

The world, sans Robbie Hilson, is watching.

Yes, this is my only post of the week. I’ll try to make it extra awesome.

I apologize for my recent habit of disappearing, Casualtists. I really do.

This week I have been less visible than a 16-year-old sailing in the Indian Ocean here on Sports Casualties. You’re probably sick of hearing about it, but I have been extremely busy working for the evil mainstream media and contributing to groundbreaking stories.

Yes, groundbreaking stories like the high school graduating class with five sets of twins! Or the 12-year-old arthritis-ridden dog that survived an alligator attack!

Yup, I get all of the hard-hitting stories.

My inner Casualtist did come out during the graduation ceremony which happened to take place at historic Al Lang Field in St. Petersburg. I grew up at Al Lang, constantly going to Cardinals spring training games as a youngster.

So as I walked through the park’s bowels and out onto the field, I kind of strutted pretending I was a hung-over major leaguer about to take left field for a 1 P.M. spring training fixture. In reality, I was a humble intern strapped with the task of digging five sets of twins out of a group of 300-plus kids and bringing them out to the set for an interview.

A boy can dream. Let’s do this.

Although it unofficially began with Shakira doing awesome Shakira kinds of things on a stage Wednesday, the World Cup officially begins today.

Uh, yes please.

However, if you are a blue-blooded American like me, you are more than ready for 2:30 P.M. on Saturday when the good ole’ U.S of Kick Ass takes on the really pale people from across the ocean that some geographically challenged people refer to as a pond.

Now as you may or may not know, SC and yours truly never turn down an opportunity to piss off an opposing country during international competition. Canada hates us, so here’s your opportunity to feel the same way, England.

We’re going to beat you at your own game you pasty wankers, and it’s going to be the bees knees. Prepare for the wrath of Landon Donovan crossing the Delaware and lighting up your favorite team.

England is rainy and dreary and nasty [and I’d like to visit sometime, but we’re not going to talk about that right now] and IT SUCKS.

USA! USA! USA!

Deja vu.

J.R. Smith of the Denver Nuggets has reported that his mansion was broken into during the first round of the NBA Playoffs. The thief stole $15,000 from Smith. The money was all stored in a briefcase.

In more simple terms, Smith actually paid his child support this month.

On Wednesday night, the Chicago Blackhawks defeated the Philadelphia Flyers to win the 2010 Stanley Cup. I missed “SportsCenter” that night, but I’m assuming that ESPN used this as an opportunity to remind everyone that Barack Obama is the first sports fan president in the history of ever.

During NBC’s postgame coverage of the Cup Finals, Jeremy Roenick cried. I dare you to say something to him about it… That’s what I thought.

It’s June and yet this was a huge news week for college football. Welcome to America.

The Pac-10 threatened to expand to the Pac-16 and reportedly destroy the fabric of everything that the good Lord created when it invited the relevant half of the Big 12 to join its conference.

So far only Colorado, a school known for its live Buffalo and Eric Cartman, has made the move.

Until this effects a real-life football conference (read: the SEC), I will refrain from commenting.

Staying in the Pac-10, the University of Song Girls received a two-year ban from postseason play for being bad people, or something like that.

As they say in Knoxville, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Slime.

At Oregon, trouble-making quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was kicked off of the Fighting Ducks football team after being caught with “one ounce or less” of marijuana on Monday night.

In Masoli’s defense, Phil Knight has been high every time he has ever designed an Oregon uniform.

In MTV news, the upcoming season of “The Real World: New Orleans” will include a student from the University of Central Florida. This is great news for anyone who has watched “The Real World” and thought, “You know what this show could use?… A little more cocaine.”

ESPN announced on Wednesday that it would be closing all but two of its gimmicky ESPN Zone restaurants. The Worldwide Leader cited a lack of profits in the restaurant industry for the closings.

Some unidentified sources say that Chris Berman’s employee discount card just became too much.

In other Bristol, Conn., news, Steve Phillips’ drunken mistake Brooke Hundley is filing a lawsuit against ESPN for wrongfully firing her after word broke of her affair with the former MLB analyst.

From L to R: Phillips, homewrecker, Reynolds

Claims of a civil suit for the damage that Harold Reynolds did to her with an ugly stick have not been confirmed.

This just in, Stephen Strasburg is really good.

Allen Iverson made news this week when he took his little sister to her high school prom. While the story was a touching one, it primarily provided relief for people when they found out that Lawrence Taylor does not have a high school-age sister.

Just a reminder: It is Friday, so I must implore you to watch “Friday Night Lights” tonight. It is indeed the best show on television, and if you aren’t watching, that means you’re not cool.

Disclaimer: Okay, I’ve never actually watched the show on a Friday night either, but it’s “On Demand” constantly so find time to watch it.

The return of Minka.

AND NOW…(drum roll)

WHY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK: The Never-Ending Saga

In no specific order, and with no real explanation, this is my weekly look at some of the things that kept me distracted while I was trying to write.

Phil Jackson is no fan of Chris Rock.

I was planning on pestering you with one of the news packages that I have put together , but WordPress apparently won’t play QuickTime videos. Oh well.

As I close this out, South Africa just scored the opening goal of the 2010 World Cup. The atmosphere is electric and ESPN’s coverage looks impeccable. Somewhere Robbie is cringing and grumbling about media hype while holding a Spalding basketball like a newborn baby.

Happy weekend.

-Bryan

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1 Comment

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One response to “The World Cup: An Unfocused Look at the Past Week in the World

  1. Peter Reynolds

    http://peterreynolds.wordpress.com/2010/06/11/the-world-cup-beckons/

    Today in South Africa Obama is going to find out whose arse is going to get kicked!

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