CNBC Fab 5 Pics: Bounce Edition

Dig the double meaning in “bounce.” Just kidding. Talking purely stocks.

I don’t know about you, Casualtists, but being constantly bombarded with images of dead birds and sludge spurting out of a giant hole in the ocean doesn’t make me want to go out and stimulate this American economy of ours. Something about fudge-like waves tearing into our sandy beaches makes me a little queasy inside. When I catch Anderson Cooper chatting up some poor shlub who can’t get his oyster boat off the dock, I think to myself, “Wow. I have it pretty good right now. And damn, I’m too depressed to buy anything.” Plus, I’m always somewhat turned off when I see headlines like “Could Dow Hit 1,000 in 2016?”

Thanks, Yahoo! Finance!

And really, until you stop running BS panic blurbs on your home page, I can’t take you seriously as a legitimate news entity. Silver lining, though: if the Dow does hit 1,000, your crap company probably gets swallowed for good by Microsoft or Google. Am I right, Carol Bartz?

Joe Investor (read: Robbie Hilson) isn’t feeling so bullish at the moment – there’s this Gulf clusterf*ck, a surge in jobless benefits claims, crappy retail numbers, and on and on. Our Wall Street friends, on the other hand, are built for this kind of stuff: small hearts, strong stomachs, balls of steel. Honestly, these guys are my heroes and fully responsible for the gangbusters week I’m currently having. The DOW’s reclaimed 10,000 despite a lackluster Thursday (we’re hovering around 10,400 as of 2:30) and the S&P bounced three times in the last 7 days off that mystical 1040 number, below which everyone agrees is the point of no return (i.e. Start selling your family heirlooms at Cash4Gold).

Here’s a little piece of advice from “Fast Money’s” Guy Adami I’d like to pass on: if you’re buying a stock for its dividend, you shouldn’t be buying the stock in the first place (unless it’s Annaly Capital Management – that thing is a monster). Case in point: BP announced earlier in the week, under heavy Congressional fire, that they’re more or less shifting that $3.36 per share kickback to a $20 billion escrow account. They’re also setting up for a $10 billion debt offering early next week.

So I say to you, President Obama: Way to shake those nasty capitalists down. Guessing this isn’t gonna help your rep as bed buddy of big government. But hey, better than being the lapdog of Big Oil… Ahem, Mr. Bush.

By the way, these BP hearings are far less entertaining than the Goldman hearings a month ago. BP CEO Tony Hayward has, by all accounts, the charisma of a paint bucket. Where’s Lloyd Blankfein when you need him?

And finally, Rep. Bart Stupak, I think you’re an OK dude, but dammit – for the sake of your soul – I hope you drive a hybrid and heat your home with solar panels.

We’re the enablers, Casualtists. This is my fault, just as much as it is my government’s fault, just as much as it is BP’s fault. Speaking of enablers, here are the people that enable me to get up before 11 o’clock: Mandy Drury (the Bond Girl), Trish Regan (the smokin’ brunette), Erin Burnett (the spunky brunette), and Michelle Caruso-Cabrera (the smokin’, spunky, endowed brunette). It’s Thursday. This is your CNBC week in review. Click on the thumbnails. Enjoy.

– Robbie

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